I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggles to find the words to comfort a grieving friend. You get so worked up about potentially saying the wrong thing that you end up fumbling over your words, not saying anything at all, or making a too-soon type of joke that nobody wants to hear. Who else here is still cringing hard at Lilly in Princess Diaries (you know, when she tells Mia to basically get over her dead dad because it’s been two months)? But we know you are not Lilly! You just…never really got a manual on what to say to a grieving friend.
Grief is so multifaceted and, unfortunately, common. Basically, grief is your reaction to losing anything that’s meaningful to you, explains Gina Moffa, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in trauma and grief and author of Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide To Navigating Loss. So, while grief obviously includes the loss of life, it can also mean anticipatory grief (like when someone is alive but has a terminal illness), a friendship breakup, a job loss, or a major change in your financial circumstances or quality of life. When you throw all those different scenarios into the mix, knowing how to support someone who is feeling down becomes even more complex.
The other super tricky part of grief (especially for all the let-me-fix-that-for-you type of friends) is the fact that “there’s no problem to be solved,” says Litsa Williams, LCSW-C, a clinical social worker, grief therapist, and co-founder of the What’s Your Grief online community. “It’s really difficult for a lot of people to sit with the fact there are no solutions to a loss.” We can’t raise the dead or make our sibling’s ex fall back in love with them or tell your bestie’s boss they made a big mistake (huge!) and force HR to rehire your bud. Predictably, that can make us feel useless and out of control.
And when conversations around grief are far from normalized, how are we supposed to know WTF to do!? “If we could have grief education and literacy in our culture, we wouldn’t have people afraid of not knowing how to connect, and we would not have people experiencing grief alone, wondering how to navigate it,” Moffa adds.
So, because most of us are out here winging it, here are eight expert-backed ways to be there for someone who is grief-stricken—without making things suck even more.
1. You have to actually be there—whatever that looks like.
This is as simple as it sounds: Regularly show up for the person, either IRL or virtually. “Just showing up is really half the battle,” Moffa says, explaining that remembering to connect with a loved one during the grieving process isn’t always the default and can be tough. “The deepest, most powerful healing tool we have is connection. Something that fills that void with love in some form or another, that witnesses [their] pain so [they’re] not suffering alone.”
What you say when you’re with the person can be equally straightforward too. Remember: Your loved one isn’t expecting you to fix their pain or reverse their loss; they’ll simply appreciate that you’re there. Moffa suggests simple phrases like, “How are you doing?” or “Do you want to talk about it, or do you want a distraction?” since these “give people permission to share with you.”
At the same time, you want to avoid clichés that naturally come to mind when something bad happens, because they can make the person feel worse, says Megan Devine, LPC, a therapist, grief advocate, and author of It’s OK That You’re Not OK. So maybe don’t say stuff like, “Everything happens for a reason,” which can be hurtful if a person died or an eviction notice is right around the corner thanks to a sudden loss of income. Also, consider ditching the “You’re stronger than you think” vibes, because that might make them think they need to buck up and rub some dirt on their emotional wounds.
While there’s no definitive endpoint for grief, your loved one might share that they’re doing OK after a while and no longer need as much support in this arena. So, to transition from grief check-in to general check-in, try blending the two. “Don't stop checking [about the loss], just begin to add in other life questions,” suggests Moffa.
2. Reframe how you think of helping.
Wanting to comfort someone comes with a lot of pressure to take away someone’s pain, says Williams. And when you’re stressed about how to act and what to say, that can keep you from being there in their time of need. (Anyone else guilty of putting off a text when you don’t know what to write?) To get through that mental roadblock, try shifting “from comfort to support: the idea that you’re not going to fix it; you’re just going to be there,” Williams suggests. By accepting that you can’t “fix” feelings, you can ease some of your own anxieties and be fully present for the person when they need you most.
3. Please, please, please don’t change!
If you’ve ever ramped up the jokes to make a grieving friend smile or toned down your bubbly self to not offend anyone, you’re forgiven. But as tempting as it can be to adjust your personality during these times, Moffa says this isn’t the best approach to take. That’s because, after a loss, your loved one will likely feel as if everything is totally up-ended and “off”—and you suddenly acting brand new will probably make them feel even more confused.
“I have a friend who’s a super jokester, but when my mom died, he was really serious,” recalls Moffa when thinking back to losing a parent. “And I was like, ‘Oh, no. Don't do this.’” So show up as the person they know and love, not the person you think they want, and you’ll both feel a lot more comfortable.
4. Remember that what works for you isn’t always what works for them.
When talking to someone who’s going through it, we tend to model what was helpful when we were experiencing something similar, or we think about what we’d like someone to do for us. But in this instance, you should treat others how they’d like to be treated, says Williams. Maybe your BFF brought ’round popcorn and a movie every other night when you were going through a breakup, which helped distract you. But, for someone else, these same actions might feel smothering or make them feel like a burden.
While we can learn from past experiences, “keep in mind that we’re all different people,” Williams adds. “There is no magic checklist for what’s going to be helpful. A lot of it is about being able to engage in conversations and taking feedback. Really listen to what they’re telling you.” So, if someone tells you twice-weekly movie nights aren’t for them, ask if they’d prefer to have them every other week or monthly. Or maybe they'd prefer you didn’t come over but just sent funny TikToks that they can watch when they feel up to it. Whatever they communicate, respect it.
5. But also see what you can take off their plate.
Along with any kind of loss comes a whole lot of extra baggage, like making funeral arrangements, deciding what to do with gifts from your ex, or reworking an old resume. The combo of overpowering feelings and a long list of tasks can make everyday activities (that unfortunately can’t be put on pause) seem unmanageable. That’s where you come in.
Offering tangible support by bringing over pre-made meals, helping bookmark job listings, or hitting “block” on the ex’s social accounts shows you care while simultaneously taking a load off their plate. If you want to help in this way, just make sure you ask first (you don’t want to accidentally create extra work for them) and offer specific things you can do, Williams suggests—because saying, “Let me know what I can do” is vague, ambiguous, and can feel overwhelming for the other person.
6. Get a little nostalgic.
If your loved one is mourning someone who passed away, sharing memories is a great way to show care and that you were also positively impacted by them. You might worry that talking about them will upset the person you’re comforting, but “the thing that often becomes most upsetting to people is feeling like everyone else stopped remembering that person,” Williams says.
And the same goes for helping people through a friendship or romantic breakup. “Being able to remember that the ending of the relationship does not undo or redefine [its] value can actually be important and helpful,” Williams encourages. “The idea that a breakup means you now have to avoid or give up years of memories of your life together is almost another loss. We can (eventually) come to a place of appreciating the memories and what the relationship gave us.”
If you’re questioning whether it’s OK to share, be open about that. Williams suggests saying something like, “I hesitated a little to share this with you because I was worried about it potentially feeling upsetting or making you upset. Is this OK?” That way, you’ll know where you stand and have potentially created an opportunity for your friend or family member to reminisce.
7. Don’t assume they’ve “moved on.”
Again, don’t be like Lilly! If it’s been a while since your loved one’s loss and they appear mostly happy, don’t assume this is how they feel inside. “We often mistake people laughing or going to parties or going on with their life as somebody that's ‘gotten over’ grief,” Moffa says, adding, “It's a huge misconception.”
So saying something like, “You looked great at this party last week; I’m so glad you’re feeling better,” might come with the best intentions, but it takes away the permission and opportunity for the other person to share, “Actually, things still aren’t so great.” Instead, go with something more neutral, Moffa says. You don’t have to be all, “Hey, are you still grieving?” But a casual, “Hey, how have you been doing? How is this all feeling to you lately?’” does the trick.
8. Look after yourself too.
You’ve probably heard the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” and it’s absolutely true, Moffa says. Supporting someone who’s in a funk can be an intense and emotionally draining process. If you don’t show yourself enough TLC, there’s no way you’ll be able to give any to anyone else.
If you’re stuck in caregiver mode and don’t even know where to start when it comes to prioritizing yourself, a healthy dose of self-care can be as simple as eating a good meal, getting in some gentle exercise, sleeping, or playing a board game, says Moffa.
But keep in mind that self-care might also look like setting boundaries, Williams adds. Boundaries are important when you’re comforting someone because while you want to support your person, you have to make sure you’re not overextending yourself—and it can be hard to say no to a grieving friend without feeling like a horrible person. But to make showing up for them actually sustainable for you over the long term, you have to recognize that you won’t always be able to meet their needs when they want you to. When you struggle with this, keeping in touch with the people who support and uplift you is equally important, Williams adds.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
