It wasn’t that long ago that “Why does everyone hate me?” could’ve been the title of my memoir. The thought had been on repeat in my head in some form or another since childhood. Sometimes, it was an angsty thought that popped up when I was fighting with my friends and felt like the word was against me. Other times, it was an earnest plea—the rhetorical question I used to sign off in my journal after recounting my latest encounter with bullies.
Most of the time, though, it was the default explanation behind emotional injuries big and small. I didn’t get invited to that party? Everyone must hate me. Team grabbed lunch without me at work? Wow, why do they hate me? No new texts? They. All. Hate. Me. The spiral was real.
Luckily, this is no longer my default inner monologue. But if all that self-loathing and blame sounds familiar, I get it. And I’ve learned the long and hard way that, a lot of the time, these feelings have more to do with us—our thought patterns, past baggage, or underlying mental health issues—than with whether people actually hate us. (Spoiler alert: Most people probably don’t.)
Still, the feeling sucks. But before we talk about what you can do about it, let’s get into why you feel this way in the first place.
Why does it feel like everyone hates you?
Blame evolution, for one. Back in the day, being excluded from the group could mean the difference between life and death, so humans evolved to be sensitive to signs of social rejection. In fact, we’re so attuned to it that feeling ostracized “activates the same neural pathways in the brain as physical pain,” says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. That’s why even perceived rebuffs hurt: We’re primed to interpret innocuous cues—like a missed text or a resting bitch face—as proof that someone dislikes us.
While nobody likes feeling rejected, Dr. Kirmayer says some people are extra sensitive to it for a few reasons. Past experiences of being left out or bullied, especially during childhood, can make rejection hit harder. If you have a mental health condition like ADHD (which is associated with rejection sensitive dysphoria), you might also be more prone to feeling like others dislike you. Not to mention, we can be more or less sensitive day to day based on factors like how stressed, tired, anxious, or depressed we are, according to Dr. Kirmayer.
Speaking of anxiety and depression, both love to stir the pot with cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking (no one likes me) and taking things personally (their change in tone is definitely about me).
“Anxiety isn’t logical—it doesn’t always need a reason to feed you off-the-wall messages that people hate you,” says Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. Same goes for depression, except it prefers to cloud your perception with feelings of unworthiness (I'm not good enough) and defectiveness (something is wrong with me).
As you’re probably gathering, there are a ton of reasons why you might be feeling like everyone hates you. But even if you can’t pinpoint exactly why, there are steps you can take to get out of this mindset. Here’s what the experts recommend:
1. Look out for evidence that people actually kinda maybe like you.
Right now, your brain is hyper-focused on “proof” that everyone hates you—whether it’s a friend not texting you back or a coworker looking distracted when you talk. “Our brains want to be right more than they want us to be well,” says Dr. Kirmayer. So they’ll filter out evidence that contradicts the story we’ve created and latch onto anything that supports it.
To combat the hate-colored glasses, Dr. Kirmayer encourages people to collect proof of the opposite—and treat it like a scavenger hunt. “We need to be on the lookout for contradictory evidence—micro moments where someone approaches us, strikes up a conversation, smiles in our direction, or gives us positive feedback,” she explains. “Gather all these small but meaningful interactions and savor them.”
If you want to take it a step further, Dr. Kirmayer recommends keeping a “win file,” whether it’s a note on your phone or something physical. Having something to look back on when you’re spiraling can remind you that not everyone is out to get you.
2. Ask, “What's another way to look at this?”
When that why does everyone hate me? thought pops up, it’s tempting to take it at face value. But those feelings are often based on assumptions, not facts. “Remind yourself this is a story you’re telling yourself, and it might not be as true as it feels,” says Dr. Kirmayer. Once you’re aware, you can challenge the narrative by thinking of other possible explanations besides the rude one your brain jumped to first.
For example, if you're at a party and find yourself alone, it’s easy to think, Nobody likes me. “But maybe people were already deep in conversation when you arrived,” Dr. Kirmayer points out. “Or maybe others are waiting for you to make the first move.” Or if you’re lamenting your silent phone, is it possible your friends might be wondering why they haven’t heard from you, either? “Getting in the habit of asking, ‘What’s another way to look at this?’ unlocks the door for other possibilities,” Dr. Kirmayer says.
3. But also ask: “What’s this trying to tell me?”
This isn’t to say that the feeling of being disliked is just something to reframe—it might be a sign that you need a change. “There are times when we shouldn’t just squash that thought,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “It could be telling you something important, like ‘I don’t feel comfortable in this situation,’ or ‘I don’t feel valued by these people.’” In these cases, she says it’s worth exploring whether you need to seek out new people, set boundaries, or make changes to your surroundings.
This reflection can also be an opportunity for personal growth. “Sometimes, it’s about looking at what you can do differently,” says Dr. Kirmayer. That doesn’t mean you’re to blame for feeling excluded, but it could be a chance to strengthen your communication skills, make amends, or learn from past mistakes. Whether it's trying to become a more supportive friend or volunteering in your community, engaging in prosocial behavior can stop you from ruminating on your personal feelings while reaping the mental health benefits of being around others.
All that said, sometimes the feeling might be trying to say, “Something else is going on here!” If you’re not sure what it might be…
4. Look for patterns.
Do you tend to have these spirals at night? Around certain groups of friends? When scrolling social media? In pretty much all social situations? “Getting clear on when and where these thoughts show up can be very helpful in spotting patterns and next steps,” Dr. Kirmayer says.
For example, if you only ever feel this way after hanging with a certain friend group or while at work, it might be more about addressing a specific unhealthy relationship or setting boundaries within a triggering environment. You might even find that you have an identifiable trigger to eliminate (like screen time when you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable). “If there’s something specific bringing up feelings of insecurity or otherness, that’s something you can work with,” Dr. Kirmayer says.
On the flip side, if these feelings pop up across multiple areas of your life—friends, family, colleagues, romantic partners—that's a sign there’s a deeper issue, belief, or behavior to address. Figuring it out may take time (and possibly professional help). “There are so many paths people can take to get to the same conclusion,” Dr. Hendriksen says. Anything from self-esteem struggles to a personality disorder can leave you feeling like everyone hates you, but spotting patterns is a solid starting point for unpacking it.
5. Remember: People won’t always like you—and that’s OK.
Actually, Dr. Hendriksen recommends taking it a step further and accepting that some people will full-on dislike you. “Maybe we understand intellectually that not everyone will like us, but it’s also important to realize that some people actively won’t—and that’s part of life,” Dr. Hendriksen says. It’s not like you love everyone you meet either, right?
If that feels like a hard pill to swallow, remember that people’s feelings often have little to do with you. “There are all sorts of reasons why people may not like us that have nothing to do with who we are,” Dr. Kirmayer explains. You might remind them of someone from their past or trigger a memory that makes them uncomfortable. “Whatever it is, we don’t have control over whether people like us.”
6. Celebrate what you like about yourself.
Instead of fixating on whether people like you, shift your focus to what you like about yourself. Dr. Hendriksen suggests affirming the qualities that make you feel good, even if they have nothing to do with other people’s approval. “Rather than trying to reassure yourself that people like you, affirm the other things you know to be true about yourself, even if they have nothing to do with friendship or approval,” she says.
Maybe you’re a hilarious storyteller, an amazing cook, or the most attentive dog mom at the park—whatever it is, slip it into your morning affirmations, journal about it, or just remind yourself when the dreaded feeling hits. Plus, long-term, this shift helps build a stronger sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on how others feel about you.
7. Whatever you do, don’t isolate.
When you feel like everyone hates you, it’s tempting to pull away from people and turn to self-isolation—but avoiding social situations will only make things worse. “It turns into this self-fulfilling prophecy where people anticipate rejection and close themselves off from the relationships that they need,” Dr. Kirmayer says. From there, it can kick off a vicious cycle—the more we pull away, the more sensitive to rejection we become, the rustier our social skills get, and the more like an outsider we feel, she explains.
Instead, Dr. Kirmayer and Dr. Hendriksen suggest you keep putting yourself out there. And while you’re at it, don’t expect to reach a point where you never feel insecure or disliked. “When the thought pops up, remind yourself, ‘Oh, this is just what my brain does sometimes,’” Dr. Hendriksen says. “That doesn’t mean you have to listen to it.”
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
