05.28.24
7 Things Not to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed
“Other people have it worse…” (*gag*)
Feeling depressed is hard enough, so we know you don’t want to accidentally make it even worse by saying the wrong thing. We’re not implying you have to walk on eggshells around someone who is depressed. But it’s worth noting that what you say can come across as unhelpful and judgy even if you’re trying to get a friend or fam member to look on ~the bright side~.
In case you haven’t experienced it yourself, depression can feel like heaviness that doesn’t dissipate, a total lack of motivation, and a deep loneliness. So, regarding what not to say to someone with depression, avoid language that might exacerbate these feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and isolation, says psychotherapist and clinical social worker Linda Tran, LICSW. Instead, the goal is to communicate in a way that makes them feel respected, safe, and understood and encourages them to seek support, she says.
You won’t always say (or do) the right things when you’re with a depressed friend, so give yourself some grace, says clinical psychologist Leah Katz, PhD, author of Gutsy: Mindfulness Practices for Everyday Bravery. The important part is that you’re showing up and trying; don’t get so worried about your wording that you don’t reach out at all.
To help you help them, we asked mental health professionals for some common responses that do more harm than you realize. Here’s what not to say to someone with depression and what to say or do instead, according to these experts.
1. “But you have a great life!”
You might think that reminding someone of all the good stuff going on is a rad idea because it’ll boost their mood. And that logic does make sense—we’ll give you that. But pointing out their fun and well-paying job, supportive partner, and living quarters that aren’t 500 square feet is super invalidating, notes Dr. Katz.
Implying that they don’t have things in their life to be depressed about suggests they’re making a choice to be depressed, clinical psychologist Sally Weinstein, PhD, associate director of the University of Illinois Center on Depression and Resilience, previously explained. “You wouldn't ask someone, ‘Why do you have asthma? You have such a good job,’” she added. Point taken!
Sure, life struggles can play a role in why people are depressed, but so can genetics, biological factors, and even certain medications, per the National Institute of Mental Health. So just because things seem great on paper, that doesn’t mean someone can’t be going through a depressive episode, says Tran. It doesn’t always have to be situational, she adds.
That said, it is helpful to encourage a perspective shift since depression can give you tunnel vision where you only focus on the heaviness you feel, says Dr. Katz. But instead of forcing gratitude on them, gently put the ball in their court.
Ask them if there are small moments where they’ve felt content or even just OK, suggests Dr. Katz. Whether that’s petting their dog, moving their body, or talking to a friend, helping them connect with what gives them value and purpose can really make a difference. It reminds them that joy exists and depression might not last forever, she explains.
2. “Other people have it worse.”
This is another example of the wrong way to put things in perspective. Hearing this can make a depressed person feel ashamed, like they don’t have a right to their experience, says Dr. Katz. Just like saying that to someone with anxiety, it can also stop them from getting the support they ultimately need to feel better.
A better way to go about this is to first validate their feelings (even if you don’t fully understand them) by saying, “It seems like you’re struggling, and I’m so sorry it’s hard for you right now.” This can help convey that you empathize with them, says Dr. Katz. Then, you can go back to what she suggested earlier: asking them to think about times where they felt a bit of joy or, simply, OK-ness.
When they’re feeling a smidge lighter, you could also encourage them to write a letter to their future depressed self, Dr. Katz suggests. Reading words from their own perspective, when things aren’t as bad as they’ve been, is sometimes easier to believe than reminders that come from someone else, she notes.
3. “Maybe it’s just [insert whatever here]!”
It’s totally understandable to not want someone you love to feel the heaviness of depression, so you resort to saying, “Well, maybe you’ve been working too hard or need more sleep.” But this can feel very minimizing and dismissive, like you’re not understanding what they’re going through and you’re trying to explain it away, says Dr. Katz.
If you genuinely want to point out that they’ve talked about their lack of sleep, for example, (which can be a symptom of depression, by the way!) it’s better to frame it as a question, rather than implying that perhaps the depression is actually something else, says Dr. Katz. You can say something like, “Do you think your sleep could be impacting your mood at all?” she suggests. It’s not like you're trying to prove their depression isn’t depression. Instead, you're coming from a place of curiosity and showing them you want to hear what they have to say, which feels supportive, Dr. Katz explains.
4. “Have you tried…?” *Proceeds to give unsolicited advice.*
Your first instinct might be to tell your loved one about what worked for you or others. Sure, maybe quitting your job helped you, or maybe you’ve been down a Reddit hole of “remedies” you think might help them. But if they don’t ask for this advice, it might come across as you think you know better than they do, says Dr. Katz.
Not to mention, they might have zero energy to focus on getting better, in which case the last thing they’d want is for someone to tell them what to do, says Tran. In those moments, they might just need their struggles to be heard, she says.
Instead, ask if they’re open to hearing advice or if there’s anything else you can help them with, Dr. Katz suggests. Try, “How can I be there for you right now? Do you want me to listen or are you looking for advice?” And, to keep it real, you can always ask if you’re overstepping their boundaries, Dr. Katz notes.
If they’re not in a receiving-advice kind of mood, there are so many other ways you can help, like vetting therapists for them or offering a hand with day-to-day stuff they might not feel up to doing.
5. “I know exactly what you’re going through.”
Hearing from someone else in their life who’s experienced depression can make a depressed person feel less alone. But going right into your own experience can kinda hijack a conversation and make it about you when you’re really looking to support them, says Dr. Katz.
You’re probably trying to validate them by declaring that you know what they’re experiencing, but it can come across as presumptuous because everyone’s circumstances are different, says Tran.
Instead, just like asking if they want advice, you can say, “I have some things that I think might be helpful for you to hear about my own experience with depression. Are you in a place for that right now?” suggests Dr. Katz. Tran agrees that it’s better to give them a choice and also mention that you know your experiences might be a tad different.
If they don’t want to hear your story, that’s fine! You can just listen to them or spend time with them, if that’s what they need, says Tran.
6. “You don’t look depressed.”
Lots of people who have depression are “high-functioning” and can mask it pretty well. “They show up to work, they'll go out, and they'll laugh when they know they're supposed to laugh, but they’re really depressed on the inside,” says Dr. Katz. Many depression symptoms are internal too—thoughts or feelings that aren’t noticeable to other people, she notes.
Pointing out that someone doesn’t look depressed isn’t helpful because it can deter them from opening up (and it low-key gives off I-don’t-believe-you vibes). It can also make someone feel like you aren’t able to make space for how they’re feeling, says Dr. Katz. Then, they might shut down and get discouraged from getting help from others, notes Tran.
If you want to let them know you’re surprised to hear they’re depressed, simply say that. Dr. Katz suggests something like, "Wow, I didn't realize how bad you were feeling. I’m so glad you told me. How can I be here for you?"
You can then ask if they want to talk about the struggles that you weren’t able to see, says Tran. “By asking about these hidden aspects, a person can feel seen, heard, and validated.”
7. “You’re not suicidal, right?”
It makes sense if you jump to the worst-case scenario that someone who’s depressed may not want to be alive. Research shows that the risk of suicide is higher in people with depression than in people who aren’t depressed, and suicidal thoughts are among the many symptoms of a major depressive episode, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR).
However (and this is a big one), people can be depressed and not have suicidal thoughts at all, or they can be suicidal and not experience depression, notes licensed clinical psychologist Kathryn Gordon, PhD, author of The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook.
Basically, it’s valid to want to ask, but the way that you ask is so, so important. If you say, “You’re not suicidal, right?” that implies that you don’t want them to answer “yes.” It deters them from actually being honest since it comes across as judgmental, Dr. Gordon explains. Bring your concern up in a warm and nonjudgmental way instead, by saying you’re worried about them because of X, Y, Z and asking if they’re having suicidal thoughts, she suggests. You can also add something like, “I could be wrong…” to acknowledge that you aren’t trying to assume anything, notes Tran.
Don’t worry, you won’t plant the idea in their head if they weren’t thinking about it, says Dr. Gordon. That’s a myth about suicide worth remembering. If they haven’t thought about it before, they’ll tell you that, and they probably won’t be mad at you for asking if you’re coming from a place of concern, she notes.
But if they were having those thoughts, you’ve just created a safe space for this person to talk about them, Dr. Gordon says. Give them the floor by asking questions that’ll help you understand what they’re going through and show that you’re interested in their experience, she suggests. These could include, “What is this like for you?” and “What kind of thoughts or feelings are you having lately?” Then, try summarizing what they’ve said back to them, Dr. Gordon suggests.
From there, you can ask what’s actually helpful and continue to check in on them. (Here’s more advice for how to help someone who is suicidal, if you need it.)
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
