02.26.24
5 Things Not to Say to Someone With Anxiety
If one more person tells me to relax…fdsjafdsajfwedaj.
Over dinner, your friend says he can’t stop worrying about an upcoming wedding where he won’t know anyone. Imagining awkward small talk or dancing in a crowd of strangers hurts his stomach—bad. To you, it’s really not a huge deal! So, you say that. Plus, “Maybe you’ll meet some cool people.”
Seems? Fine? But, if your friend is dealing with anxiety, this kind of response and others like it probably aren’t helping. That’s because any feedback minimizing or dismissing their concerns can make them feel misunderstood and potentially more anxious, says therapist Amber Benziger, LPC. That’s true even if you’re trying to be supportive.
For those who feel anxious a lot, especially people with an anxiety disorder, everything—including seemingly random stuff—can feel unsafe, Aisha R. Shabazz, LCSW, previously told Wondermind. They could also feel like they’re constantly being judged (see: social anxiety). All of that can make sleeping or focusing (or both) tough and might even make them annoyed or frustrated for no apparent reason. So, no, anxiety is not fun, and people who experience it need support from friends like you who care enough to read this. So yay for you!
Obviously, you don’t want to make things harder for your anxiety-prone people, so we asked experts for the most common responses to anxiety that do more harm than good. Here’s what not to say to someone sharing their anxiety with you, why it’s unhelpful, and what to do instead, according to therapists.
1. “Look on the bright side!”
As we said, it sucks to see your person worry, but offering, “Could be worse!” doesn’t resolve anything. Instead, these kinds of responses are basically dismissing their very real anxiety, which can make them keep these feelings to themselves in the future, Benziger says. In the end, that shame can stop them from getting support to feel better, making the worries even worse, she says.
Also, we shouldn't make others feel like they’re wrong for experiencing something other than positivity, Benziger adds. That’s true for anyone, of course, but for people with anxiety, toxic positivity like this “can be really invalidating,” she says. “You’re pretty much saying, ‘The way you’re feeling isn’t the right way to feel.’” (It's the same as saying this to someone who's depressed—you shouldn't.)
It’s better just to pay attention to what they’re saying and their body language, says psychotherapist Dustin Chien, LCSW. Then reflect back what they’re expressing to you, he says. You can say something like, “That definitely sounds scary,” or, “I get why that’s making you nervous,” he suggests. This shows them that you understand and that you’re a safe space to talk about the things worrying them.
After validating their anxiety, you can also ask how you can be supportive, says Benziger. Do they want to talk through what’s causing their anxiety? Are they looking for advice? Take the example of your friend going solo to a wedding. If they’re looking for an assist, you can help them come up with ways to cope with their anxiety during the events. You could brainstorm go-to small talk openers to ease awkwardness or offer to be on call if they need a pep talk when their social anxiety flares. Though, honestly, they might just want to vent, says Benziger.
2. “Calm down.”
Never in the history of anxiety has telling someone to relax ever made them relaxed. When you’re in worry mode, it’s hard to shake the mind-spinning, sweat-inducing, nausea-triggering anxiety!
So if you want to actually help this person feel more relaxed, ask if they’re down to do some grounding exercises to make them feel more stable. That could look like taking a few deep breaths together or walking them through tightening and releasing parts of their body (aka progressive muscle relaxation), Benziger suggests. These kinds of tricks can take people out of their anxious spirals and back into the present moment, she explains.
When someone is really anxious or even having a full-blown panic attack, holding their hand or rubbing their back can also help them feel like someone is physically there for them, psychiatrist Shreya Maniar Nagula, MD, previously told Wondermind. (Just make you ask if it’s OK first.)
While grounding exercises can be incredibly helpful here, co-regulation is also at play, says Chien. By staying calm and present with them, you’re kind of communicating that it’s safe here, psychotherapist and somatic coach Yolanda Renteria, LPC, previously explained. And that can help regulate their nervous system. It’s like letting them borrow some of your chill.
Another way to ease someone into relaxation mode is to get their mind off of their anxiety altogether. Show them a funny photo of your cat or tell them about something wild that happened today, suggests Benziger. If they really want to talk to you about their worries, don’t change the subject. But you can always ask if they want a distraction, she says.
3. “You’re probably overthinking it.”
Some real talk: People with anxiety often know the things they’re worried about are irrational, says Benziger. But that doesn’t change how their anxiety makes them feel.
Say your sister’s convinced her S.O., who hasn’t texted all day, is in trouble. Telling her she’s overreacting can make her more upset than she already is, says Chien. And, as we explained, it could shame her into shutting up, making her anxiety worse, Benziger notes. On top of all of this, it’s possible your sis may think she’s bothering you and start to worry about that, Benziger adds.
A better way to help someone reframe their anxious thoughts is to challenge them, Benziger says. The goal is to get into a more rational mindset. Maybe ask if they think there’s a logical reason for whatever is going on, suggests Benziger. Is it possible that your sister’s boo left their phone in their gym bag or they’re busy at work? That can help someone see that their fears are less probable than they’re giving them credit for.
People with anxiety tend to jump to the negative what-if thoughts, Benziger explains. So by calling their attention to more positive or neutral outcomes, they might be able to quiet their anxieties, she says.
4. “I know how you feel.” *Proceeds to tell them all about it.*
This is not to say that talking about your experience with anxiety is the worst thing ever. That’s not true. Bringing up your own worries can be an act of vulnerability, which makes you seem more trustworthy to someone with anxiety, says Chien. It also shows them they’re not alone, he adds.
But if you make the convo entirely about you, you’re taking the focus away from the other person’s situation, which can signal that you don’t think what they’re going through is as important as whatever you’re sharing, says Benziger. You’re also not offering them as much support as you could be, she adds.
So you’re not dismissive, it’s better to, again, ask what they need. If they want you to listen to their worries, do that. Then you can show them you relate by saying, “I get anxious about stuff like this too,” and ask if they want to hear about what you’ve done in the past for your anxiety, suggests Benziger. If so, that’s your green light. Just don’t forget to hand the mic back to them.
5. “I don’t have time for this.”
Sometimes you don’t have the mental energy or time to listen to someone vent—and that’s OK! That said, telling someone with anxiety that you can’t talk might imply that you don’t care what they’re going through, says Chien. It feels like a rejection. And, like we said, keeping worries inside when you want to talk about them may make them more intense.
Since they can’t read your mind, try setting a boundary in a more empathetic way. You can say something like, “I want to hear about this, but I’m busy right now. Can we talk later?” Chien suggests. Or, “It's important to me that I'm fully present for you when you need me. Can we plan a time to talk when I'm in a better space?” says Benziger.
This way, the person knows you care and you’re down to chat at some point, but you’re still being honest about what you can handle at the moment. It’s about you, not them, says Benziger. This gives them the option to come back to you when you’re ready or find someone else to talk to ASAP if it’s urgent.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
