Explainer Link Copied 06.06.24

What’s Weaponized Incompetence and What Do I Do About It?

“You’re just so much better at this!” ByChristina Heiser

Shutterstock / Wondermind

In recent months, there’s been a lot of buzz around the term weaponized incompetence. It’s the idea that people use “I’m not good at this” or “I can’t do this right” to get out of normal adult responsibilities they share with their partner.

The hype around this term first started making the rounds on TikTok back in 2021 after Laura Danger, a licensed educator, coach, and co-host of the podcast Time to Lean, responded to a jokey viral video of a man who fell asleep when he was supposed to be watching his baby while his wife took a shower. El oh el, amirite?

In her TikTok response video, Danger said this is an example of how incompetence is weaponized. Instead of being an equally responsible partner, he slept on the job. And, because of that breach of trust, Danger said his partner likely feels like she can’t rely on him to split the baby responsibilities. “This seemingly harmless situation not only put the child at risk but also played on the wife’s anxieties,” Danger tells Wondermind. 

Sound relatable? You’re definitely not alone. Here, we spoke to experts about how to tell if your partner is weaponizing incompetence and what to do about it. Here’s what you need to know. 

What is weaponized incompetence?

This pattern of behavior, where one partner pretends to be or is bad at something (see actual incompetence) without trying to be better, makes the other partner feel like it’s up to them to do life. If they aren’t executing a task, it won’t be done or it won’t be done right. 

Thus, a partner can use weaponized incompetence to hand off a responsibility they don’t want, explains Ryan Howes, PhD, clinical psychologist, writer, and Wondermind advisory committee member. “Most of the time, it seems to be used as a way to pass off responsibility for a difficult, strenuous, or tedious task,” says Dr. Howes. 

The most obvious example of weaponized incompetence is when someone pretends they don’t know how to do something or gives it about 20 percent of the effort in hopes that they’ll never have to do it again. 

It could also show up as a ~compliment~, says Kate Engler, LMFT, CST. Your partner might say, "You should schedule the kids' summer camps and play dates because you're just better at that stuff. I can't keep it all straight.” 

To be fair, it's possible your partner truly thinks they suck at something and feels uncomfortable admitting it. In this case, they may avoid doing the laundry or planning a night out or whatever because they’re avoiding the discomfort of failing or hearing negative feedback, she says. Still, that’s weaponized incompetence too.

However their “idk how” energy shows up, the difference between plain old incompetence and the weaponized kind is that, with the latter, they make no attempt to learn or try to do the task right. Instead, they just leave you to pick up the slack. 

While it’s obviously not cool, weaponized incompetence doesn’t always come from a place of maliciousness, says Engler. For example, your partner might agree to wash the dishes but do it so poorly that you just do it yourself from now on, explains Dr. Howes. Or they might say, “I never learned to use the dishwasher, so that’s your job.” Even if they don’t realize what they’re doing, by not attempting to troubleshoot the sorcery of a dishwasher or just a sponge, they’re weaponizing that incompetence against you. 

In her experience, Layne Baker, LMFT says this typically comes up in cisgender-heterosexual relationships within the context of tasks like housekeeping, family responsibilities, and life planning. That’s likely because weaponized incompetence has “really deep roots in gender stereotypes,” says Baker. That said, anyone can weaponize incompetence, regardless of their gender, she adds.

How your partner was raised might also be partly to blame. “They may have grown up without completing or claiming responsibility for specific tasks, chores, and actions and weren't disciplined as a child,” explains therapist Domenique Harrison, MPH, LMFT, LPCC, who specializes in race and couples therapy. Or they might have learned to weaponize incompetence after seeing another parent do it, adds Harrison. 

Is weaponized incompetence a big deal? 

I mean, yeah. Maybe it’s not surprising, but weaponized incompetence can lead to resentment—or a feeling of bitterness—toward your partner, says Jennine Estes Powell, LMFT, author of Help for High-Conflict Couples.

This weird way of dipping out on life tasks can indicate a lack of respect and lead to a continual lack of regard over time, says Baker. If your partner doesn’t respect you enough to pick up their half of the adulting tab, you might respect them less because they’re not showing up for you. “You can't have a safe, trusting relationship if there isn't a sense of mutual respect for each other as individuals and contributors to the relationship,” she adds. 

Aside from the health of your bond, feeling like you need to do everything because your partner can’t or doesn’t know how puts you at risk for physical, emotional, and mental burnout, says Baker. 

How do you deal with weaponized incompetence in a relationship? 

You may be able to overcome this struggle with an honest conversation and working toward more fairly divided responsibilities. Here’s the game plan experts suggest.

1. Call them out. 

Let your partner know they’re letting you down, says Dr. Howes. You could say, “Is it really that you can’t vacuum the floors, or is it that you don’t want to? Let’s be honest about this.” 

To take a softer approach, Baker says you could try, “Hey, this doesn't make me feel good. I need us to talk about it so that we can work on changing this,” or, “I’m feeling very alone and as if my feelings don’t matter when you don’t spend time helping out.”  

However you bring it up, try not to blame your partner with something like, “You don’t cook, you don’t do bathtime, you leave the house every Saturday while I’m here cleaning, what the fuck!?” That style of confrontation will just breed resentment and prevent change, says Estes Powell. 

Once you’ve said your piece, give your partner a chance to explain themselves. “This might be the first time they’re consciously thinking about it,” says Monfore. 

So give them space to express their thoughts and feelings. Encourage them to talk about what they think is behind their behavior even if you don’t necessarily agree with them, she says. 

If they’re willing to acknowledge that they keep playing the incompetence card, that’s a good sign. If they take accountability, even better. Those are both indicators you’re on track to work through the issue, says Baker. If they’re not willing to play ball, even after multiple attempts at this conversation, well, skip ahead to #5 on this list.

2. Redefine how you divide up household chores. 

The next step is splitting up chores like cooking and cleaning in a way that’s a bit more balanced. Sit down together and write up every chore involved in running the household—from paying bills to watering plants to shoveling the driveway. Keep dividing them up until it feels fair for both of you, says Dr. Howes. 

And remember, it’s not about who’s “better” at each task. “Think about how to get to an outcome that meets your needs,” says Danger. If your partner admits to feeling inadequate at any given task, consider spending some time doing it with them until they feel more confident on their own, says Estes Powell. Maybe that looks like cooking dinner together as a team while you familiarize them with a few easy cooking skills. 

Sometimes having a visual reminder of who’s doing what can keep you both accountable, says Estes Powell. This could be a calendar on the fridge that lists when each of you is responsible for certain tasks.

3. Check in. 

Whether it’s been a month or a year of divvying up your life, Estes Powell suggests checking in regularly to see what’s working, what isn’t, and what can be improved. You can share your vulnerabilities and talk about your expectations over morning coffee or before you go to sleep. In a perfect world, these conversations arise naturally so they feel open and allow for more vulnerability, she says. Over time, that can help build trust.

You might say something like, “It would be helpful if you could work toward doing ____ instead of or alongside me, despite your own discomfort. Then, I’ll feel like there's more fairness and respect in our relationship,” suggests Baker. 

But if you’re just getting into this habit, you may need to be more rigid about scheduling the time, says Estes Powell. You might want to add a weekly check-in to your calendar every Sunday to make sure it happens.  

4. Set boundaries for yourself. 

ICYMI, setting boundaries means setting a standard for how you’d like to be treated. If your partner is weaponizing incompetence against you, then you may need to set a boundary so that their behavior doesn’t continue to negatively affect your life, says Baker. 

Let’s say your partner won’t step up to do the laundry—a boundary could be that you don’t do the task yourself, and allow the dirty clothes to pile up, explains Baker. While it might be easier in the short term to just do the task yourself, here you’d say something like, “I’ve asked you to take care of this thing and you’re not willing to do it. I’m not able to do it either.”

But even if you set a boundary, you’ll need to keep the conversation about divvying responsibilities flowing, says Baker. Otherwise, each of you could be waiting for the other to cave and do the laundry, which isn’t fair either. 

5. Know when it’s time to walk away.

So you’ve told your partner that their behavior upsets you and you need them to change—but they’re just not willing to take on any of the extra work. At this point, you’ll have to decide if you still want to be in this relationship or if weaponized incompetence is something you will not tolerate, says Harrison.

While there’s nothing you can do when someone doesn’t want to change, you can investigate how you’re responding to their behavior—and that’s something a therapist can help you with, Baker explains. “[Therapy] can be a great resource to process the emotional toll of receiving weaponized incompetence,” she says. 

So, if you’ve repeatedly communicated your concerns to your partner and they continue to disregard your needs, it may be time to call it quits. “You deserve to be in a relationship where your values are respected and you are not consistently disappointed or dismissed,” says Harrison.