Pro Tips Link Copied 08.30.24

Do You Have Trust Issues or Are You Just Skeptical?

When you get sick of blaming your ex, read this. ByChristina Heiser

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The concept of trust issues gets thrown around a lot these days—whether you're referencing how hard it is to open up to new people, that you assume your takeout order is going to be wrong every single time, or the way you side-eye your spouse after watching a particularly chilling Dateline documentary. But there's a difference between keeping your eye out for rational red flags and consistently assuming that everyone is going to let you down. The latter could be a sign of what the internet and your close friends call “trust issues.”

While “trust issues” isn’t a clinical term, the mental health experts we talked to confirmed that some people do have more persistent concerns with trusting others (for a variety of reasons we’ll get into in a second). These people might have a hard time opening up to friends, coworkers, and romantic partners. And they might just generally assume that people are going to let them down, says therapist Layne Baker, LMFT. 

But in a world where Tinder Swindlers and very public cheating scandals happen, where is the line between being rationally skeptical of people hurting you and having trust issues? Unfortunately, it’s not super clear! But, in general, when your distrust of people is pretty widespread (you assume everyone from your barista to your brother-in-law could do you dirty) and life-impairing (your relationships are suffering—if they ever even get off the ground), then it’s probably deeper than just keeping an eye out for red flags. 

If this is all sounding a little too real to you, keep reading to find out more about what causes trust issues and how to get past them. 

What causes trust issues? 

Again, it’s not a psychological term, but “trust issues” is, essentially, an umbrella term for patterns of distrust that might stem from a handful of different things. 

Sometimes that thing is your attachment style, says Baker. ICYMI, attachment theory suggests that how you felt in your earliest relationships influences the way you act in relationships throughout your life. 

As children, the grownups who look after us are our first experience of trust and safety, and they set the baseline for what we should expect from people close to us, explains Baker. So, in theory, if your physical and emotional needs are met, you learn to lean on your people and are more likely to develop a secure attachment style, explains therapist Jennine Estes Powell, LMFT, author of Help for High-Conflict Couples. But if that was not your experience growing up, then you could develop an insecure attachment style (like anxious attachment or avoidant attachment), says Baker. And if your attachment style isn’t super secure, you might have a hard time trusting that your needs are going to be met, which can really impact how you see and show up in the relationships around you, she explains. 

Trust issues can also be tied back to moments where your trust was literally shattered, says clinical psychologist and relationship coach Susan Trotter, PhD. Maybe your last long-term relationship ended in infidelity or your lifelong friend suddenly ghosted you. Any experience where someone lets you down in a big way can cause distrust in that relationship and future relationships, says Baker. 

Mental health conditions like posttraumatic stress disorder, can also shift how you view the world. If you develop PTSD after a trauma, you might feel like you can’t trust anyone ever again, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). Other diagnoses like anxiety or depression are also associated with more mistrust, according to Baker.

How do I know if I have trust issues? 

Again, you can’t really be diagnosed with ~trust issues~ because they’re not an official mental health thing. Still, there are some common signs that a distrustful world view is kind of a problem for you. 

“These things can be related to some of those childhood experiences that sort of baked in the notion that people don’t really care about you, that you’re not that interesting, that they’re just putting up with the fact that you’re in the room,” says Baker.

First, chronic distrust can make you think that people don’t really care about you. You might tell yourself that you’re not that interesting or that your friends or romantic pursuits are just putting up with you, says Baker. Say you have a partner who is showing interest in you. You might still question, “OK, but how much could they really like me?” 

You might also seek lots of validation to feel like your people genuinely care. That can look like constantly asking if they’re mad at you or still into you. You may even believe that you need to yell to get your needs met or shut down to take care of yourself, adds Estes Powell. Those are often coping mechanisms we pick up if we don’t trust that people will have our backs.

You could also have trouble being your full self—even around people you’re close with, adds Baker. When you don’t trust your partner, friends, or family, you might worry that being uninhibited will lead to being hurt or rejected. You could have the sense that you’re not respected or understood. 

Here are some other signs that difficulty trusting people is becoming an issue:

• You’re highly suspicious of someone (especially a friend, partner, or someone you’re dating) without any real evidence that they’re doing something wrong
• You feel anxious a lot of the time, as if you’re waiting for something to go wrong
• You remain emotionally detached as a way to protect yourself from the hurt you’re anticipating from close friends and partners
• You often feel jealous, needy, extremely sensitive or reactive

We should also acknowledge that sometimes, the reason you feel like you can’t trust someone is because they can’t be trusted. That’s not on you. The key to discerning between a “trust issue” and an untrustworthy person is assessing their consistency (do they reliably show up when they say they will?) and their accountability (do they own up to their mistakes when they happen?), says Baker. This little exercise can be very helpful if your trust issues make it hard for you to trust in your ability to trust, she adds.

If you find that they’re consistently inconsistent and rarely admit fault, those could be signs someone is untrustworthy, says Baker. “It's really difficult to place trust in someone who doesn't demonstrate the ability to self-govern with integrity and respect for you and for the relationship,” she explains. 

In that case, it’s time to do what you need to do to protect your peace—and that will truly vary from relationship to relationship, says Baker. “Everyone has a different tolerance for a lack of trust in someone.” 

If you’re not entirely ready to end the relationship, try asking questions that get to the root of why they’re behaving the way they are. Baker suggests starting the convo this way, “I noticed there’s this pattern where you cancel on me at the last minute. I’d love to know more about what’s going on for you in these moments.” You never know! Maybe it’s something that can be worked through, she says. 

Can I fix my trust issues? 

If those struggles above sound familiar and sketchy people aren’t to blame, know that you’re not doomed. Here’s how to tackle your trust issues and feel better about your relationships (all of ‘em).

1. Pay attention to what sets you off and respond with self-compassion.

Start to notice how you react when something triggered your distrust, says Baker. Say your partner or close friend didn’t text you back within an hour of your last message, and you immediately start spiraling about what they’re doing and whether they secretly hate you. Notice how extreme this reaction feels and whether that’s in line with what’s actually happening (people are busy!). “Typically, we go into a fight, flight, freeze, or appease reactions in these situations,” adds Estes Powell. “Those are indicators of something bigger going on.”

Instead of leaning into that default response, shift your focus to some positive self-talk. You can remind yourself that it’s not your fault you feel this way, but you can work to feel safe and secure now, says Baker. (These realistic affirmations are good inspo too.) 

2. Look for little glimmers of trust. 

You can build trust with people who have your back by finding moments where you actually feel safe with them. The key is to start looking for small ones and work your way up, says Baker. Maybe you trust that they’ll get your coffee order right when they go to pick it up for you. Even something that tiny is evidence that they got you. “When we start to seek out exceptions [to our limiting beliefs], no matter how small, it starts to build a sense of trust,” explains Baker. 

Over time, you might notice that they also were there for you when you vented about a hard day, and they listened without glancing at their phone or the TV. That’s huge! Basically, you’re proving to yourself that it is possible to overcome this thing you’ve had a hard time with in the past.

3. Let your people know what’s going on with you.

While it can be great to understand where your trust issues come from and work on it in your own head, actively working on it with your partner or close friends provides an opportunity to address the issue in the moment, Dr. Trotter adds. 

Of course, they’ll need to be aware of the experiences that led to your pattern of distrust—and be on-board with helping you. When you start feeling those skeptical responses bubble up, you can let them know. Then, they can pause what they’re doing and say, “It’s safe. I’m here for you. What do you need?” says Estes Powell.  

If they’re accessible, responsive, engaged, and show up in a loving, caring way, that’s a huge help, she adds.

4. Seek support from a third party.

Working with a therapist or a support group of peers going through the same thing can be helpful in overcoming trust issues. Both of these tools can help you feel validated in your experience, says Baker.

Plus, a therapist or peer group can give you tools and practices for what to do in the moment when your distrust flares up. “That’s something that’s going to take practice over time,” notes Baker. “It’s not a button you can just push.” 

Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix for overcoming trust issues because we have to unlearn the years of distrust, and that takes a lot of time, Baker says. Still, it is possible to overcome it in the long run. “Trust is nurtured over time, and the process of healing is not linear,” says Baker.