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How to Be There for Young Trans People

They need the support of adults in their lives now more than ever.  ByAlo Johnston, LMFT

Shutterstock / Wondermind

Being a transgender person in the world today is hard, and being a young transgender person is even harder. Recently, it seems like any discussion of gender identity has been extremely politicized, with many lawmakers and school districts appearing dedicated to making it even harder for trans youth to thrive. 

Unfortunately, we know that more than half of trans and nonbinary youth seriously considered suicide in the past year, according to a 2022 survey from The Trevor Project. But that same survey confirmed that having a gender-affirming home or school reduced the risk of suicidal ideation among this group. Clearly, trans youth need the support of adults in their lives now more than ever. 

As a licensed marriage and family therapist and transgender man, I have worked with many families to help them figure out how to support their trans child. So, whether you’re a parent, grandparent, teacher, or the cool aunt (who may or may not actually be related), here are some tips for supporting trans and nonbinary youth. 

1. Don’t worry if it’s a phase—support them anyway!

In my therapy practice I’ve talked to many parents who have worried that their adolescent child just thinks they’re trans. They wonder if this is a passing phase like their interest in Minecraft or that year where they were obsessed with wearing vampire teeth. 

But gender is different and something we understand about ourselves in a different way. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children start to be conscious of gender around the age of 2, and usually by the age of 4 they have a stable sense of their gender identity. While not everyone will follow that exact timetable, this means that trans kids might be coming to terms with their gender identity while everyone around them says they’re wrong, confused, or just playing pretend. 

I have a distinct memory of a substitute teacher in elementary school who “mistook” me for a boy. All my friends were outraged on my behalf. And I remember thinking, Oh I guess I’m supposed to be offended by that, but deep down I didn’t understand why. Looking back now I can see that I actually felt affirmed when people saw me as a boy, but every signal I got from adults and other kids was that I couldn’t let people think that about me. 

Whether trans kids are proudly proclaiming “I’m a boy” while their parents and teachers say “no honey, you’re a girl” or are quietly confused as to why they are being separated onto the wrong team of boys vs. girls, trans kids have an internal sense of their gender the same way cisgender kids do. So, chances are, by the time they are sharing their gender identity with you they have spent a long time thinking about it and navigating the difference between what they’ve been told about themselves and how they actually feel internally. 

According to the 2022 U.S. Transgender Survey (the largest survey to date on trans people in the U.S., with 92,329 respondents), nearly all respondents (94%) who live in a different gender than the one they were assigned at birth said they were either a lot more satisfied or a little more satisfied with their life. This echoes the body of research showing that detransition is uncommon. 

Still, you might be wondering if this child’s experience is that uncommon one. The good news is you don’t have to do anything different! Whether it is a phase or not, the most useful thing you can do is support them, affirm them, and be open and interested in their experience. Your support is invaluable either way. It allows them to figure things out for themselves while knowing they have safe supportive adults in their life that they can share with. 

2. Use their chosen name and pronouns.

The simplest way to affirm a trans person’s identity is to use the language that they ask you to use. One study found that using their chosen name reduces the risk of suicidal behavior in trans and gender nonconforming youth by 56%! This is by far the simplest act you can take that will have a huge positive impact on their mental health.

If you know a young person who has come out but hasn’t yet told you what to call them, you may want to ask them privately. You can also ask if there are certain contexts in which they do or don’t want to use that name and those pronouns. You could say something like: “Is there a different name or pronouns you’d like me to use for you? And do you just want me to use them around certain people?” 

Keep in mind that some people use they/them pronouns as a singular pronoun, and that can be a hard adjustment if you’ve never used these pronouns to refer to one person before. It’s OK if it doesn’t come naturally, but you will only get better by practicing. A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns is a great resource for this.

3. Parents, talk to other parents.

If you’re the parent of a child who has just told you they’re trans or nonbinary, you might be scared and confused. That’s totally normal! Where do you even start? It’s a lot to take in and it can be a big adjustment. You have to come to terms with your expectations of what you thought their life would look like. Not only that, but you may have a lot of questions about legal or medical transition (if that is something your child is interested in) and you might not know how to get reputable information.

My biggest piece of advice to parents is: Find a community of other parents to talk to. You might not feel ready to talk to a therapist or a doctor just yet, but you still don’t have to do this alone. There are many parents who have had the same fears and doubts as you and they have also had to work through their complex feelings and figure out what to do next.

PFLAG is a great place to start looking for a community of other parents. You may also find that there are parent groups associated with hospitals that have trans youth programs. Even if you’re in a rural area there are likely online groups that you can attend. Don’t worry, no one is going to make you talk before you feel ready, and no one is going to force you to do anything. Try attending a group and keep an open mind. 

4. Be clear in your support.

What should you do if you suspect a young person you know is questioning their gender identity? Do you say something? Sometimes it feels like the best choice is to just stay quiet until they’re ready, but kids and teens often don’t know if it’s safe to say something. So, make sure you have created an environment of safety and support around them.

That might look like talking about how your family supports the LGBTQIA+ community, mentioning friends and loved ones who are queer and trans in positive ways (and if you don’t have any then it might be the time to expand your social circles), or simply telling them that you’re always available to talk. They need to know you will love them no matter what and that you mean it. And if you live in a community that is not the most affirming, make sure they know you will do everything in your power to keep them safe and advocate for them. 

5. Keep learning.

This article is just a starting point and you will certainly have more questions from here. Try to stay curious and continue to engage with books and educational content about the trans experience. The trans youth in your life will greatly appreciate your efforts.

Some books to help you as an ally include:

• Out: A Parent’s Guide to Supporting Your LGBTQIA+ Kid Through Coming Out and Beyond
• Free To Be: Understanding Kids & Gender Identity
• The Transgender Child
• The Transgender Teen 

And if you want to understand more about the transgender experience and common thoughts and feelings, you can check out my book: Am I Trans Enough?: How to Overcome Your Doubts and Find Your Authentic Self.