07.30.24
7 Toxic Dating Rules You Can Stop Following Immediately
No, you don't need to be fully healed before you can date.
Social media is filled with so many strict dating rules lately, and I’d love to cancel every single one of them. As a licensed therapist who specializes in relationships and just wrote a whole book about them called Big Dating Energy, I’m not a fan of any dating advice that doesn’t allow for nuance—because we’re all messy and complicated beings.
Before I eviscerate the latest dating rules that are floating around or being shared by way too many people that live inside your phone, I will say that if these rules work for you and you feel good applying them to your dating life, then I love that for you. I don’t want to poop all over something that’s benefiting you. If you disagree with one of my takes, I will not be offended. Also, a scaled-down and less intense version of these dating rules is sometimes a perfect fit for someone trying to figure out the hellscape that is modern dating.
With that said, let’s dive into the no-nuance dating rules that probably aren’t worth your time:
1. You shouldn’t date anyone until you’re fully healed.
Newsflash! You’re never going to be fully healed! Even your favorite internet therapist (moi) isn’t fully healed and he’s an amazing partner! Ask (almost) anyone I’ve ever been in a relationship with. But, I get it, you’re being told that if you fix yourself up by getting rid of all your intimacy issues (impossible and also, what a snoozefest) and resolve all your trauma history that’s getting in the way of fully accepting love into your life (ahem, having trauma ≠ being unlovable) and most likely BUY THIS COURSE FOR $149.97 TO HEAL YOURSELF INTO THE BEST RELATIONSHIP YOU’LL EVER HAVE, then you’ll find your person and it’ll be honeymoon vibes with zero conflicts forever.
Besides that being a load of crap that consumerism needs you to believe so that love coach hacks on TikTok can make money off your desperate heart, it’s just not how it works. We heal inside of relationships, not outside of them. The most important relationship work you’re going to do is with a caring partner that’s decided to go on a healing journey together. So don’t fall for the scam. You’re healed enough at this very moment to start a healthy relationship. Promise.
2. If they wanted to, they would.
Hey, guess what, I officially changed it to “If they had the bandwidth for it, they would.” Because the phrase “If they wanted to, they would,” lacks compassion and understanding. How many times have you wanted to do something but you just couldn’t? Maybe it was because you were paralyzed by fear, gripped by anxiety, or had absolutely no idea how to get from point A to point B. There are plenty of valid reasons that get in the way of doing something that you really want to do, which could include showing your love to someone you care about.
Sure, if this is someone brand new and they’re doing the least, it’s possible they’re just not that into you. But if this is your partner or someone who has otherwise shown interest in being there for you, it’s possible they’re struggling and simply don’t have the bandwidth to meet your needs.
So instead of being like, “red flag!” and then pulling away, ask them again to meet your needs when they have more emotional capacity and offer them support if they’re struggling with something because, you know, you’re a caring and compassionate person who doesn’t quickly judge someone on their instant ability to meet your needs.
3. Never chase, only attract.
I mean, it is BRAT GIRL SUMMER so go off, manifestation queen. But once you come back to reality, you may want to decide to put in, oh I dunno, maybe just the slightest bit of effort when going after a partner you want? I understand the sentiment here and it’s not the worst one I’ve ever seen. You don’t wanna be the one desperately chasing someone who’s not the least bit interested in you. I support that. But sitting on your butt without putting an ounce of effort into going after what you want is equally silly.
The “never chase” rule can make you come off as disinterested and hard to get. And if that’s your game, you’re most likely not going to attract healthy matches that are into babes that put in the appropriate amount of energy to make someone feel liked and wanted.
4. If you have to wonder if they’re into you, they’re not.
Look, I’d love to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly showering me with praise and validation and never gets swept up in life stress or has any other interests other than giving me reassurance about how lovable and sexy I am so that my ruminating brain never has enough time to wonder if my partner is 100% infatuated with me. But that’s not how life, or my psyche, works! Which is a real shame. Why hasn’t science done something about this yet?!
In the meantime, if you want to be in a long-term relationship (and absolutely no judgment if you don’t!), you’re going to have to normalize the fact that sometimes you’re gonna wonder if your sweetie is into you. And guess what?! Even if they’re having doubts that day or that week, doubts are normal and don’t need to spell doom! Embracing uncertainty is a thing in dating and relationships, and not getting constant reassurance whenever your cute little heart wants it will set you free from constantly scanning for reasons you should question the relationship.
Even in the early stages of dating, it’s common to feel unsure about someone’s level of interest after just a few dates, and that’s not an immediate red flag. Just because the person you went on three dates with isn’t obsessed with locking things down yet doesn’t mean they’re not interested. Early dating is a time to get to know each other and see if there’s potential for something more. Jumping to conclusions can prematurely end something that might have blossomed with a bit more patience and open-mindedness. Embrace the uncertainty and enjoy the process of getting to know someone new without the pressure of immediate validation.
5. Always date multiple people or have a roster until becoming exclusive.
Honestly, I don’t hate this one. But I don’t love that it’s becoming a blanket rule for everyone, because your mileage may vary. My personal opinion and experience is that if you date multiple people at the start then it can lessen your dating anxiety and put less pressure on the whole dating experience. But that’s what works for me, and there’s no reason it should work for everyone.
Dating multiple people might cause confusion, overwhelm, and more broken hearts if you have to end things with folks that you’re just not into. The intention with this advice is that you might be less anxious if you’re putting your eggs into multiple baskets. So if that works for you, cool! But if that actually makes you more stressed, then maybe seeing one person at a time will quell your nerves. No hard and fast rules here. You do you, babe.
6. Someone with anxious attachment can never date someone with an avoidant attachment style.
This is bullshit. An anxious cutie can have a very happy and healthy relationship with an avoidant babe as long as they’re compassionate and understanding of the way they show up in a relationship and know how to communicate their needs and respect their partner’s boundaries, which just so happens to be the same skills that you’ll need to make any relationship work no matter what trending attachment style you identify with.
Also, these seemingly opposite attached styles can make for a really healing relationship and allow everyone involved to grow and evolve in ways that might not be available if you date someone who is secure or has the same attachment style as you.
7. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
Sure, loving yourself is great and can definitely enhance your relationships, but it’s not a prerequisite for being in a healthy and loving partnership. We often learn to love ourselves more deeply through the eyes of a caring partner.
Waiting until you’ve achieved some mythical state of perfect self-love before entering into a relationship can keep you from experiencing the growth and support that comes from loving and being loved by someone else. So, give yourself a break and let love in, even if you’re still working on that self-love journey.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
