10.04.24
How to Survive Cheating in a Relationship
Cheaters and the cheated-on-ers are both welcome here.
Cheating is not great. Whether you’re the one doing it or the one who finds out, it’s a painful situation that can leave everyone feeling wrecked. It can be hard to come back from that. But surviving infidelity and its aftermath is possible—even if it doesn’t feel like that right now.
Regardless of what led to the cheating (the reasons why people cheat are vast: relationship issues, attachment wounds, low self-worth, etc.), the shame that hits both parties can be difficult to shake, says clinical psychologist Em Dreiling, PhD. Plus, with your relationship in question after a betrayal like this, your entire reality can feel up in the air. When that’s the case, the best thing you can do is take a beat to take care of yourself, says couples therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW.
Sure, that’s easier said than done, but with these therapist-backed tips and a little time, both parties can grow from this crappy situation. You may even become a better version of yourself or upgrade your relationship in the process. Here’s what mental health pros want you to know about surviving infidelity, whether you cheated or your partner did.
How to survive infidelity if you cheated
If you’re the one who stepped out on your partner, you might feel like a total garbage human—a worm with a mustache, if you will. That internal shame can be compounded by the stigma of being The One Who Cheated. “Shame is toxic because it doesn't allow for growth or understanding or compassion,” Dr. Dreiling explains. “Shame simply says you are bad and that's the end of the story." But that doesn’t have to be it for you. Here’s how to overcome that shame and move forward in a productive, healthy way.
1. Feel all the feelings—even the hard ones.
It makes sense if you feel ashamed for what you did. It’s not cool to betray someone’s trust. And while beating yourself up isn’t helpful, acknowledging those uncomfy emotions (shame, embarrassment, regret, grief) can help you feel better faster, says marriage and family therapist Mercedes J Moore, PhD, LMFT-S.
That’s because the more you try to avoid your feelings, the harder they can come at you. No one wants to be hit with those emotions while out with friends, in the cereal aisle, or at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday. So the more time you can devote to processing feels, the faster you’ll be able to accept your actions and their impact and move forward.
If you’re not sure where to start, try some writing prompts that help you ID what you’re feeling. As the old saying goes, if you can name it, you can tame it. You can also think or write about the situation that caused those emotions. Talking it out with a friend you trust or a mental health pro will help too, says Dr. Dreiling.
Despite your best intentions, it can be easy to get caught up in a shame spiral. When that happens, try on some self-compassion. That can look like reframing thoughts like, I’m a horrible person, into something you might say to a friend, like, I made a mistake by cheating, and I’m holding myself accountable for it, says Dr. Moore.
Feeling bad about what you did is warranted, but you shouldn’t feel bad about who you are. When you can separate those two things, you’re in a better place to make amends with those you hurt and with yourself, says Brunner.
2. Reflect on why the cheating happened.
Investigating what factors played a part in your infidelity enables you to learn about yourself and the relationship. That knowledge may make it easier to take accountability and forgive yourself, Dr. Dreiling explains. “We get to learn from our mistakes, move on from them, … [and] integrate the experience into our story, without making it who we are.”
So, ask yourself: What was I feeling before I cheated? How did I feel while cheating? Did I get something out of cheating that I felt like I was missing? What was my relationship like before I cheated? What was it like while I cheated?
Most of the time, cheating goes deeper than a drunken hookup. Sometimes it’s a sign of disconnection or issues in a relationship. Perhaps you felt like your partner didn’t appreciate you or they weren’t emotionally available, says Dr. Moore. If that’s the case, it’s easier to see why you leaned on someone other than your partner—and how that evolved into physical and/or emotional cheating, says Dr. Dreiling.
While recognizing the full picture doesn’t absolve your actions, it can help you understand what influenced your choices.
3. Move forward with intention.
Once you’ve sat with your feelings and investigated the origin story of your infidelity, you’re ready to find a way forward. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, using your mistakes as an opportunity to change course proves to yourself and others that you’re holding yourself accountable and you’re worthy of trust. Taking action might even help you feel better about yourself too.
Maybe that means setting boundaries with coworkers or mutual friends or people you DM. It could also look like having an open conversation with your partner about what’s missing from your relationship, says Dr. Dreiling.
For example, if cheating partly stemmed from your partner’s emotional unavailability, that means a close connection is important to you. That intel can help the two of you move forward. If that’s not an option, you can use that info to ensure your next relationship prioritizes openness and vulnerability, Dr. Dreiling notes.
How to survive infidelity if your partner cheated
When the trust you’ve built with someone gets destroyed, it can leave you feeling many a type of way. It can also make you confused about how to move forward. Can you forgive them? Do they even deserve to be forgiven? Did you have this coming all along? While sorting through these thoughts and emotions can be a long process, these steps can help you do just that.
1. Get to the bottom of your feelings.
It’s not wrong if your first instinct is to be really, really pissed off when you learn about your partner cheating. But to survive infidelity, you’ve gotta dig deeper to see what else is going on inside, says Brunner. “Go towards that pain,” she explains. “That is how you heal. That is how you move past it.”
While it might feel more comfortable to sit with how angry you are, that emotion is likely just a distraction from the more painful ones, says Brunner. To get to the bottom of it, think back to your initial reaction to learning about the affair. Did you feel betrayal? Grief for the relationship you used to feel safe in? Fear that you’re not good enough to be with them? Maybe it’s all of those things.
Whatever the case, allow yourself to feel those uncomfortable emotions, suggests Brunner. You can look at old photos, listen to a sad song over and over, write a letter to your partner or ex (even if you don’t send it), or vent to a friend. The goal is to express and feel all of that in order to regulate your emotions.
2. Focus on the facts
It’s hard to stop overthinking after being cheated on. You might be embarrassed, anxious about who you can trust, or ashamed that you’re in this situation in the first place. With those worries running through your head, it can be difficult to get through the day-to-day. But you can strip those thoughts of their emotional charge by sticking with the facts, Brunner suggests.
That can look like swapping, I’m worthless and no one wants to be with me, to something like, They cheated on me on [X day], says Brunner. It still sucks, but it doesn’t sting as much without the judgment.
Also, Dr. Moore suggests challenging the thoughts that feed into your shame, anxiety, or embarrassment. Maybe the idea that everyone thinks you’re an idiot plays over and over in your head, which makes you avoid your friends and fam. That’s not great! Dr. Moore suggests asking yourself who has actually called you an idiot for being cheated on. Do people treat you like you’re dumb? If you can’t find any evidence, there probably isn’t any, she says.
3. Consider taking some accountability.
Sure, some people are just assholes who laugh in the face of relationship boundaries. That said, infidelity doesn’t always happen out of the blue. Maybe your partner felt unseen or lonely. Perhaps spending a lot of time apart led you to grow in opposite directions. Maybe the relationship was in a bad place, though neither of you wanted to break up. “Infidelity is often a symptom of underlying problems in a relationship,” says Dr. Dreiling.
So it’s worth looking into whether your actions (or lack thereof) played a part in this situation. Taking accountability can help you grow in your current or next relationship, says Dr. Dreiling. Even if that just means recognizing when a relationship has run its course.
After some reflection, you might realize you aren’t always present at the end of the day or you’re not very affectionate, notes Dr. Dreiling. You can ask your partner if that was part of the problem or just consider whether it’s something you’d like to change in your next relationship.
4. Give yourself time to figure out next steps.
If cheating is a deal-breaker for you, feel free to see yourself out. If you’re on the fence or your situation is complicated (see: kids, mortgages), it’s OK to take a beat before making up your mind, says Dr. Dreiling.
To sort things out, start by asking: How much effort are you both willing to put into fixing this? Is your partner remorseful? Could you rebuild trust with them? Can you move past the cheating?
As you work toward answering these Qs over time (it can take a while), notice how you’re feeling, Dr. Dreiling suggests. If you get the sense that you’re making progress, your anxiety is waning, and your relationship is changing for the better, that’s promising! If you feel uneasy or suspicious, it could be time to go, she adds.
Coming to this decision isn’t easy or quick—and that’s OK. “For the person who was [cheated on], this type of reflection allows for understanding of yourself and what you want, which is essential for healing,” says Dr. Dreiling. You can’t really rush that.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
