Maybe you stopped drinking because you couldn’t shake the hangxiety, or you didn’t like Drunk You, or your dry bank account begged for a Dry January. And while making that choice is a really big, important, and impressive step, it can be a lot if you’re currently single and dating.
For starters, you’re not wrong if you feel like alcohol is never not served where dates happen. And that’s not ideal if you’re trying to avoid it or don’t trust that you can when it’s on the menu.
Then there’s the whole judgment and rejection thing. Will the person you’re going out with be cool with your sobriety? Will they be freaked out by the reasons you’re not drinking? Those questions can also make sober dating extra intimidating, says psychotherapist and licensed clinical alcohol and drug counselor Jason Berenberg, LPC, LCADC.
Going into a date without a buzz might also mean feeling less confident, sexy, or flirty than you had after a glass or two, explains Tawny Lara, author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze, who’s been alcohol-free and in recovery since 2015. It’s a lot harder to relax in the presence of a new person without that liquid courage, you know?
So, yeah, sober dating is not for the faint of heart, but it might also be better than you expected. Here, we spoke with therapists and sober daters for the things that helped them or their clients feel good and make meaningful connections minus the booze. Take what works for you!
1. Know your limits.
"If you're someone who doesn't drink, then it's up to you to determine what your limits are when it comes to dating. Can you be around alcohol socially without compromising your values or sobriety? Can you kiss someone who has alcohol on their breath? Can you date someone whose lifestyle revolves around drinking? Each person will be different." —relationship therapist and dating coach Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST
2. Don’t settle for disrespect.
"Sobriety is a huge part of my identity, and I'm very comfortable talking about it. But if someone surrounds themself with drinking and doesn't respect your own sobriety, it won't work. It's not a good fit, and it’s not worth rolling the dice with your life." —Jay D., 43
3. Bring up your sobriety right away.
"I don't drink because of mental health reasons and because I’ve found that the comedown from drinking alcohol is not worth whatever buzz I experience in the moment. In the past, telling people that I didn’t drink while we were making plans to meet up for a date eliminated any in-person awkwardness. They’d go into the date knowing where I stood. Most people were like my now-wife, who said it was no big deal when I told her. But, in the rare instances where there was pushback, that red flag saved me a lot of time and energy." —Lilly P., 27
4. Add your sobriety status to your dating profile.
"Over the years of sober dating in New York City, I’ve tried putting ‘sober’ on my dating app profile, waiting until we DMed to tell them I'm sober, or telling them IRL. Putting ‘sober’ on my profile was the most efficient route for me. I didn't like wasting my time or my date’s time only to find out that they don't want to date someone who doesn't drink." —Tawny Lara
5. Make a list of booze-free activities.
"If you're asked out for drinks and you don't want to be around alcohol, you can suggest an alternative like a coffee shop or walk. Make a list of these non-alcohol dates—it never hurts to have ideas prepped that don't revolve around drinking." —relationship therapist and dating coach Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST
6. Focus on connection.
"Being in an alcohol-free setting might give you time to build rapport with someone new before you bring up your sobriety. There’s no risk of alcohol becoming a distraction." —psychotherapist and licensed clinical alcohol and drug counselor Jason Berenberg, LPC, LCADC
7. Do something you already know you like.
"January 2024 was my eighth Dry January, and I've done a number of Sober Octobers, Sober Septembers, Dry Julys, and consecutive months in between. If you’re worried that sober dating won’t be fun, pick something to do that you are genuinely interested in. Go to a yoga or HIIT class that you know you're going to enjoy. If you're dying to check out an art gallery, food festival, or some sports game, suggest that to your date. You still might find out that the person isn’t super fun—that’s a sucky thing that can happen—but at least the activity will be great." —Hilary Sheinbaum, author of The Dry Challenge and Going Dry: A Workbook
8. Speak up when you’re uncomfortable.
"When you reevaluate your relationship with booze, it's helpful to establish boundaries with dates who still drink. For example, if kissing someone with boozy breath is a turnoff or makes you rethink your sobriety, you could say, 'Would you mind brushing your teeth before we have some sexy time? The smell of whiskey is a little triggering for me.' If you're uneasy about going to a restaurant that serves alcohol, you could be like, 'I’d rather not eat at restaurants that serve alcohol right now. How about we try that new frozen yogurt spot for dessert after I cook dinner?'" —Tawny Lara
9. If you need to, date someone sober (or sober-ish).
"Personally, I avoid dating somebody actively struggling with addiction because it jeopardizes my own sobriety. But it’s a personal decision. Many successful couples thrive despite having different relationships with alcohol—one may drink socially while the other doesn’t. That said, a sober person might find it challenging to be with a heavy drinker. If this would make you uncomfortable, find a partner who shares your views." —substance abuse therapist Junie Welsh, LPC-MHSP temp, LADAC II, CAADC
10. Find a confidence boost elsewhere.
"If booze helped you feel more confident before a date, try texting a selfie of your date-night outfit to the group chat. Those fire emojis will give you the feel-good boost you need to get out the door." —Tawny Lara
11. Remember that it gets easier.
"I was 26 when I got sober because I had a really problematic relationship with alcohol. The dating scene was tricky to navigate because not drinking was a lot more unusual six years ago. The first sober date is always terrifying, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. My first one was ironically at a pub! I definitely struggled to make conversation. Now, I’m way more prepared with questions ahead of time just in case my mind goes blank." —Millie Gooch, founder of Sober Girl Society
12. Give nonalcoholic drinks a shot.
"There are some amazing nonalcoholic options these days. Free Spirits has canned cocktails that are great for tailgating or pregaming, FLUÉRE has amazing spirits for mixing and muddling during at-home date nights, and Do'Mo has zero-proof elixirs for picnics or the beach. And if you’re looking for places that serve nonalcoholic drinks, you can use the Better Without app." —Hilary Sheinbaum
13. Try ~the apps~.
"Meeting people in real life while pursuing your own hobbies or interests is a great option, but there are several sober dating apps out now or launching soon. A few are Loosid, Club Pillar, and Drybaby." —Tawny Lara
14. Focus on learning more about the person you’re with.
"As a psychologist who often works with clients struggling within the dating scene, I see that it’s common for many people to use alcohol as a social lubricant. But I encourage people who want to rely less on substances to go on a date with the mindset that they’re just trying to learn more about a stranger, even if the relationship doesn’t go anywhere after that. Topics like travel, ‘would you rather’s, embarrassing memories, and two truths and a lie can all be great icebreakers." —clinical psychologist Cynthia Shaw, PsyD
15. Calm your dating nerves in other ways.
"There's nothing wrong with feeling nervous—it’s part of the process. But there are a lot of ways to calm your mind and body without substances. Personally, I find a cold plunge or cold shower helpful for getting me out of that fight or flight mode. Having a friend on the phone for support before the date can also help manage stress." —substance abuse therapist Junie Welsh, LPC-MHSP temp, LADAC II, CAADC
16. Remember why you stopped drinking.
"People (at least the ones you should probably date) are attracted to others who have the strength to make positive life choices. By the time I started dating in sobriety, I was turning my life around and was proud of myself. I wasn't ashamed of mistakes I made in my past, and I knew I added positively to society. I know my wife never would have dated me if I drank like I used to, and, even though she isn't a recovering alcoholic, she respected me for my decision to better myself. Confidence in sobriety is sexy. Try not to hesitate when you talk about it." —Jay D., 43
17. Embrace the present.
"One of the wonderful things about being sober and dating is that you have a clear head, which means you’re able to be more present with the other person. Dating sober also lets you recognize if you and the other person are compatible more quickly—and alcohol isn’t influencing whether you think you mesh well. It is more than possible to enjoy dating and build meaningful connections without booze!" —substance abuse therapist Junie Welsh, LPC-MHSP temp, LADAC II, CAADC
Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
