Pro Tips Link Copied 03.28.24

What to Do if Your Situationship Is Screwing With Your Mental Health

Um, hi! What are we?!!! BySam Brodsky

Shutterstock / Wondermind

In theory, the logic is simple: When two people meet and start casually chatting before they decide to go on a date with each other, they’re “talking.” When they start dating but aren’t sure if they want to be in a relationship (mutually undecided), they’re…dating. When hooking up or dating has a whole lot of relationship-like qualities but there’s no label on it, that’s a situationship. It’s also what situationship-haver Stephanie K., 27, calls “B.S.”

“There are definitely feelings involved,” says Stephanie K., who’s been in a situationship for over a month now. “If we’re talking every day, hooking up, and going on dates and weekend trips together, there’s surely more to this, right?!” 

The definition of a situationship varied among the mental health pros (and non-mental health pros) we spoke to, but the consensus is that there’s usually emotional intimacy and/or sex without the commitment you’d see in a romantic relationship. This can actually be a major pro for those who don’t want to commit for whatever reason, says relationship therapist Tasha Seiter, PhD, LMFT. 

That said, situationships can take a toll on your mental well-being if you’d like to fully commit to a full-on relationship and they aren’t on board. That fundamental disconnect can be a source of anxiety, low self-worth, and stress, says therapist, certified sex therapist, and dating coach Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST.

Herzog says that she sees the mental health toll a situationship dynamic can take on clients who want more. They often find themselves constantly wondering if the other person is into them or if things will progress, Herzog adds. Similarly, Brooke A.*, 27., explains that being at an ambiguous standstill in a situationship makes her wonder, “Why did you not pick me? … What's wrong with me?” In short, it sucks. 

If you can relate, we asked mental health pros how you can emotionally and logistically deal when your situationship doesn’t feel fun anymore. Read on to figure out what’s right for you and, if you’re ready to end things, actually move on. 

Pay attention to your feels.

Because a situationship is essentially an undefined relationship, wanting something more means you could be ruminating on what they’re thinking and if they care about you. But, when you bring your attention back to yourself, you can see more clearly if this situationship is a good fit, Herzog says. 

One way to focus on yourself is to track how you feel when you’re with them, says Herzog. Notice how interacting with the other person impacts your mind and body, she suggests. Are you feeling judged or validated? Are you tense or relaxed? You can write these things down in your Notes app after hanging out or talking to them, says Herzog. Equally important: paying attention to how you feel when you’re not  with them (in between your dates), whether that’s calm and supported or anxious and unsure. Then, you can use these indicators to help you decide whether or not you want to keep this going.

Obviously, this can be a mixed bag. Maybe crushing on them makes you feel scattered and sweaty (not great) but also happy and seen (both good things!). But if the overall vibe you’re left with is unsupported, unloved, unsafe, or disrespected, that’s a sign pursuing something more with them may not be worth your time, says Herzog. Again, not everything that comes out of their mouth will make you feel good, but if the bad outweighs any good, you deserve a change, adds Dr. Seiter. 

Have the talk.

The reason we can get stuck in situationships is because we think being honest about how we’d like our kinda, sorta relationships to progress makes us look needy or desperate. You might really like this person, but you’re afraid they’ll be turned off when you’re real about what you want, says Herzog. Basically, asking them if they’re interested in a future together feels like you’re risking  a future together.

Unfortunately, being clear about what you want is the only way to get it. You could say something like, “I’ve had a great time with you, and I want you to know that I’m looking for a long-term relationship. Does that align with what you’re hoping for?” suggests Herzog. 

If they aren’t, that doesn’t make them a bad person; it just means you have incompatible needs and goals, Dr. Seiter says. Hearing them say out loud that they don’t want to be exclusive may be the sign you need to call it quits (more on that later). 

But, who knows—maybe once you have “the talk,” you’ll both agree to put a label on it. That can sometimes happen, Herzog says. 

Make a pros and cons list.

Maybe they don’t want to commit or they’re not sure. Whatever came of their response, if it didn’t immediately evoke an, “I’m out,” from either of you, give yourself permission to mull it over. It’s a hard choice, for sure, says Herzog.

Enter: the pros and cons list. This might seem like an obvious step (or one you’ve already taken), but it’s a visual way of organizing your thoughts on this confusing dynamic, says Herzog. It helps you sort through the things you like and don't like about this person and your relationship, and in a situationship, those elements can get all tangled up in each other.

Think about how they make you feel, whether your values are aligned, if you can trust them, if they’re easy to talk to, whether they like the same things as you, and any other elements of your dynamic, Herzog suggests. You can also assign weight to each point, since liking the same things might not be as important in a relationship as shared values.

You might have a ton of pros and only a handful of cons. However, if those negatives really impact the health of a relationship (like, um, a lack of commitment or trust), try to be honest with yourself about whether they’re the right fit for you, says Herzog. 

Explore your options.

Sometimes we stay in situationships that don’t make us feel good because we think there’s no one else. If that’s the case for you, relationship therapist Erin Asquith, LCSW, suggests asking yourself: What do I get from this person that I truly could not find in someone else? You could even go on dates with other people (or just yourself) to test this theory, says Asquith.

Give it more time (but not too much time).

If you’re cool waiting a bit after your “what are we” talk or once you realize you actually want something more with the other person, you can give yourself another month, suggests Asquith. (Or whatever timeframe you’re comfortable with!) You can feel pretty powerless standing by for them to make up their mind or show they’re looking to progress things, so this gives you a little more control, she explains.

Asquith says you can assess how you feel about the situationship after a month or so with questions like: Am I happy with the way things are going? Do I still want more with this person? Do I have evidence of it becoming more or staying as is? 

You can also check in with the other person to see where they stand. That said, you don’t need to tell them that you’re setting a timer on whatever you’re doing here, unless you want to, Asquith notes. Establishing your own boundaries keeps you accountable and makes sure you’re respecting your time, she says.

If, after a month, you want to give it another  month (or whatever your timeframe is), that’s fine, says Asquith. But, she encourages you to keep in mind how waiting for someone to choose you makes you feel.

If it really sucks, break things off.

Cutting ties with a situationship is tough because that might mean shutting down the possibility of a future with them for the sake of your current mental health. But when you remove the source of your pain (as in this non-relationship relationship), ultimately you’ll feel better in the long run, says Herzog.

You can say something to the point like, “What we’re doing here isn’t good for me anymore,” Herzog suggests. Then, wish them the best. If this feels too confrontational, you can also say something like, “I’ve had a lot of fun with you, but I’m ready to move on,” suggests Asquith. If it’s more comfortable, you can do it over the phone or through text, Herzog adds.  

Feel your feelings. 

Just because you weren’t in a “real” relationship doesn’t mean you won’t be sad after it’s over. You still connected with this person and had feelings for them, says Dr. Seiter. It’s a loss, and it’s extra sad because they didn’t reciprocate your feelings. “It's hard, especially when you felt like you were almost going to have them fully, and you’re like, ‘But I only got a piece of you. You didn’t even give me a chance,’” says Brooke A., who’s been in a few situationships before.

Grieving can look different for everyone, but the goal is to feel your feelings so you can process and ultimately accept the loss. Let yourself feel angry or sad that things are over, says Dr. Seiter. 

To sit with those tough feelings, you can cry, vent to your friends, or journal your emotions out on the page, Dr. Seiter says. If you’re struggling with that, try watching a sad movie, Asquith suggests. That trick works for some people who can’t seem to release their emotions on their own, she adds.

You can also write yourself little reminders that validate what you’re going through, says Asquith. You could try something like, “It’s OK to be sad,” or, “This too shall pass,” she suggests.

Write a letter.

If you wanted something bigger from a situationship but never got it, you might have leftover thoughts, feelings, and desires when it’s over, Herzog says. That stuff doesn’t just go away. Sometimes writing all of it down in a letter to the other person can be a symbolic way of getting rid of it so it’s not hijacking your headspace anymore, she says. (FYI, it’s probably not worth sending that letter to someone who said they weren’t ready for a relationship in the first place, notes Herzog. So you can rip it up or burn it—whatever you want.)

Spend time reflecting.

Looking back on the situationship can help you avoid these types of scenarios in the future, Herzog says. Some questions to consider: 

• What choices did you make that you were happy with or disappointed in? 
• What red flags did you miss? 
• What did you like about the other person, and what didn’t you like? 

You can write this stuff in a journal or talk about it with a therapist or friend, says Herzog.  

Evaluate what you want before jumping back in. 

It’s entirely possible that once you cut ties with your situationship, they might come back when they’re ready for something more. When that happens, Herzog says it’s important to ask questions like: What makes you feel ready now? What changed for you?

You should also tell them what you  need from them—since that might have changed too—and check in to see if they think that’s realistic, Herzog suggests.

Once you talk about what commitment looks like for you guys, you wanna make sure they can put their words into actions, Herzog says. Do they call when they say they will? Do they actively make plans with you? Are they off ~the apps~? 

So, yes, you can totally try things out again with your old situationship, but if you closed this chapter for good, that’s also fair, Asquith says. Putting your needs ahead of their desires is an important part of taking care of yourself. 

*Name has been changed.