Pro Tips Link Copied 08.23.23

How to Get the Hell Out of a Shame Spiral

FYI, you’re (probably) not a terrible person! BySam Brodsky

Shutterstock / Wondermind

If you’ve ever had a vivid flashback to a time when you wiped a booger on anything other than a tissue (it’s OK…we’ve all done it) and physically cringed or just couldn’t stop feeling like a garbage human, you know what a shame spiral is.

Honestly, it’s a completely normal response to doing something (or remembering a thing you did) that you think is bad and reflects on you as a person—being “over served” at that family wedding, talking shit and getting caught, treating a friend like crap when you were going through a hard time. Whatever the situation, hating on yourself and not being able to shake that self-judgment can be a real bummer.

In case we haven’t made this super clear already, shame is thinking you  are bad or that there’s something wrong with you because of something you did (or just in general), says clinical psychologist at McLean Hospital’s Trauma Continuum and faculty at Harvard Medical School Michaela Swee, PhD. (Guilt, on the other hand, is feeling like you did something bad, JFYI.)

But you can also feel shamey just because! (Fun!) For example, you might think there’s something wrong with you based on what people (bullies, parents, society) tell you, says Dr. Swee, co-host of the Compassion Collective  podcast. Shame can also be a symptom when people are majorly struggling with their mental health, she says. 

Whatever the origin story of your shame, it sucks. It can make you want to hide out and wallow or even lead to feelings of depression, says licensed psychologist Kristin Bianchi, PhD. It sometimes causes physical symptoms too, like super tense shoulders and neck or having a pit in your stomach, a knot in your throat, or pain in your chest—sorta like anxiety, Dr. Swee notes. So, yeah, not ideal.

Somehow, there is a bright side to this feeling, and that’s a little thing called ~personal growth~ or learning from our mistakes. If you’re feeling really icky about that booger incident, hey, it might just mean that you value hygiene—so you can make changes to live a booger-in-a-tissue, washing-your-hands-after-the-bathroom kind of lifestyle. It can help you avoid doing those things or something similar in the future, says Dr. Bianchi. 

That’s nice, but if getting out of a shame spiral is your biggest goal at the moment, there are some things you can do. Here, experts explain how you can re-focus your attention, put things into perspective, give yourself a little compassion, and see your way out of that shamey mindset. 

Sit with it.

When we feel something terrible like shame, our instinct is usually to tell ourselves that something is wrong with us and to make that emotion go away as fast as possible, says Dr. Swee. 

But—and this probably sounds annoying—sticking with your shame for a minute instead of immediately reacting can actually make it suck less. That’s because you’re proving to yourself that you’re able to deal with shame until it eventually passes, Dr. Swee says. “It can be a really empowering exercise to help someone learn: Hey, I just got through that by myself, and there was a beginning, middle, and end,” she explains.

Instead of trying so hard to change what you’re feeling, work on surfing the emotion, which can look like this, says Dr. Swee: 

• Notice what’s coming up. Name what you’re feeling (hi, shame!) and where you might feel it in your body. 
• Ask: How would I describe what I'm feeling? Does it have a temperature, a color, a texture? 
• Ask: How does my shame change as I sit with it? Does it ebb and flow? Does it simmer down? 

Use your senses to ground you.

When you’re stuck in “WTF, I’m horrible” thoughts, grounding techniques can get your mind off of shame. Since it’s hard to focus on your negative thoughts AND something else at the same time, using a ground exercise to pay attention to what’s around you can help you shift your focus, says Dr. Bianchi. One of her faves is the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise, where you name five things you see, four you can touch, three you hear, two you smell, and one you taste. If that doesn’t work for you, you can just start realizing stuff, like what’s going on around you, how your body feels, and what your breathing is like. 

Make a list.

Similar to how grounding techniques direct your attention away from shamey thoughts, listing out your favorite songs or writing out a word that starts with every letter of the alphabet can help redirect your mind, says Dr. Bianchi. It can literally be anything! Simple? Yes. Effective? Also yes.

Be realistic.

Challenging what your shame tells you can help you see that maybe that thing you’re berating yourself about isn’t a huge deal, says Dr. Bianchi. So the next time you’re telling yourself that your boss 100% thinks you’re stupid for stumbling on your words during a team presentation, ask: Is there any other reason to believe they think that? If they looked annoyed over Zoom, could it be because it was Monday? Are there other people who’ve made mistakes during presentations who you still admire? Are there other things about your job you’re good at? You get the point.

Don’t let shame convince you that all is lost for you. Take a page out of Hannah Montana’s book and remind yourself that everybody makes mistakes!  “That really is an inevitable part of life,” says Dr. Bianchi. Amen. 

Write a self-compassionate letter.

It’s not just about saying nice things. Being compassionate means letting yourself feel your emotions, listening to what you need, and being there for yourself when you’re hurting (like right now), says Dr. Swee. And all of that can make shame feel less intense. 

When showing up for yourself feels hard, writing a letter to someone you care about as if they’re struggling with shame can accomplish the same goal. Start by acknowledging the shame struggle and writing down whatever advice might be helpful for them to hear. Positive affirmations are good too, but make sure they’re something they’d actually believe like, “You’ve gotten through similar things in the past,” instead of, “You’ll be OK,” says Dr. Swee. When you’re done, cross out the person’s name and replace it with yours, Dr. Swee suggests. 

Talk to people you trust. 

Seeking compassion from others when you’re in the thick of shame can validate your emotions and put whatever you’re stressing about into perspective when you don’t see an endpoint in sight, says Dr. Swee. 

While it’s not about asking your BFF or dad to let you off the hook for something, they can  remind you that you’re not the world’s worst person and you’ve survived this feeling before, she says. So call up your person, ask if they have time to chat, and get their take on what you’re going through. 

Hang out with literally anyone!

Interacting with others—even if that’s just ordering a salad from a lunch spot nearby—can actually make you feel like you belong, Dr. Bianchi notes. “Feeling connected to other people is an antidote to shame. When we experience that sense of belonging, it's incompatible with this idea that we have to hide and that we're unacceptable,” she explains. 

Smile at a cute dog, text an acquaintance, or ask a grocery store employee where the broccolini is. You! Are! Connecting! And, yes, if you do feel like seeing your friends or fam, def do that if you’re up for it—even if you don’t bring up your shame. 

Take responsibility for your mistakes.

It’s sometimes hard to learn from your shame when it won’t stop coming at you. But once you’re out of it, thinking about what you can do to remedy the thing you’re stressing about can help you move on. Remind yourself that while you can’t go back in time, you can do better, says Dr. Swee. Maybe that’s apologizing to a boss for snapping at them (or messing up on your presentation!) or just making a promise to yourself that you’re going to do better in the future.

Seek support. 

If you notice that you feel shame a lot and it won’t go away, it could be time to think about if you need therapy. A mental health pro can help you figure out the underlying causes of why you’re feeling so much shame, says Dr. Bianchi. They can also give you more tools for coping with shame when it comes up for you, she says. “If we're stuck in a cycle of shame, we may not have enough psychological distance or objectivity to really understand it, and there are professionals who are happy to help make sense of it and help you decrease the role that shame plays in your life,” she explains. 

You might want to see a clinician who uses compassion-focused therapy, which was specifically developed to help people deal with shame, or acceptance and commitment therapy, which can help you process and accept your shame, says Dr. Swee. Group therapy can also give you a safe space where you can feel a bit more comfortable with your shame if you’re hearing from others who’ve gone through it, she notes. 

Ultimately, the goal is to find someone who makes you feel safe, comfortable, and seen since shame is…well…shamey and often feels like something you want to hide, says Dr. Swee.