We’re all just out here trying to ~find ourselves~, right? It’s very human to be curious about what moves you, motivates you, and makes you…well…you. Which brings us to the fun and sometimes frightening practice of self-discovery.
The American Psychological Association defines self-discovery as “the process of searching for and finding one’s unique self or identity.” In other words, it’s everything that makes you who you are, like your personality, interests, goals, beliefs, values, and cultural background, says psychotherapist Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW.
Yeah, there’s a lot of ground to cover. And because we’re constantly changing, it’s very unlikely that your journey of self-discovery will be wrapped up in a little bow anytime soon. Honestly, we all might still be discovering things about ourselves when we’re 80, and that’s OK. The goal isn’t to figure yourself out as fast as possible. So, what is the point, and how will you know you’re on the right track?
Self-discovery is important for your mental health and self-love for a few reasons. When you know what matters to you and you lean into that, you feel like you have purpose, says Dr. Martin. Also, knowing who you are means you can find people you share similarities with, says licensed psychologist Jeannette Craigfeld, PsyD, helping you feel seen and supported. According to the experts, you’ll know you’re getting somewhere when you find yourself doing more of what lights you up and you just generally feel more comfortable with how you show up in the world.
All that said, self-discovery can be a scary or lonely place. You might not feel like you can safely express yourself to others or you might have a hard time accepting what makes you who you are. If that’s true for you, talking to a mental health professional—or even going to group therapy—might be something to consider doing, Dr. Craigfeld notes.
But you don’t need to be in therapy to learn more about yourself. You can do a ton of self-discovery work on your own, without the help of a mental health pro. Here’s how.
1. Spend time reflecting on yourself—by yourself.
It’s easy to get caught up in what your family, friends, or society at large thinks is best for you. And it can sometimes be hard to separate those narratives from what you actually desire out of life. So, solo time can give you space to reflect on things that make you who you are, like your interests and values (which we’ll get into in a bit!), without feeling like you need to meet others’ expectations, says Dr. Craigfeld.
While you’re by yourself, try journaling or thinking about these get-to-know-you questions from Dr. Martin:
- What’s something I believe in strongly?
- Am I a morning person or a night person?
- What's been the most meaningful experience so far in my life?
- What do I like to do for fun?
- What are some things I’m worried about?
- What are my goals?
- What am I feeling?
- If I'm not feeling great, is there anything I need to do right now to feel better?
You don't have to ask yourself the same questions every single day, but if you haven’t reflected like this before, you might want to start by checking in more frequently (maybe once a week) before scaling back to once a quarter or even once a year, suggests Dr. Martin.
Really try to limit distractions while you’re checking in with yourself, says Dr. Craigfeld. That way, you have more room to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings.
2. Notice how you are alone vs. with other people.
Listen, not everyone needs to see the deepest bed rot version of yourself. But it’s worth noting if you routinely present yourself (and your interests/goals/values) to others in a way that’s not totally aligned with how you really view yourself. So, Dr. Craigfeld suggests you start by imagining you’re spending the day in the house alone. What would you wear? How would you act? How would you spend your time?
Then, think about how you present yourself when you’re out in the world and around other people, suggests Dr. Craigfeld. “Basically, how do you want other people to see you or look at you, and how much does that match with the person you are when you're just you by yourself?” she says.
Even if you notice a mismatch, you might not want to change anything, Dr. Craigfeld notes. Maybe you’re not ready to let certain people in your life see the more authentic side of you. Noticing the difference might just be enough for you right now.
But, if you do want to fix this disconnect, you can play around with how you physically express yourself—your hair, makeup, clothes, whatever—in front of others, Dr. Craigfeld suggests. Then, do the same for how you act. You can ease into this by starting with people you feel especially safe and comfortable around and lean into a side of yourself you wouldn’t normally show them, she says.
3. Write or create something.
Creative outlets can be great pathways to self-discovery because they can help you explore what you think and feel without any input from other people, Dr. Craigfeld says. It’s just you and your writing or whatever it is you’re doing, she says.
There’s also something about getting creative that can help you express what’s in your head when you’re stuck in an unproductive loop of thoughts, says Dr. Craigfeld. Creativity lets us connect with emotions in an easier, non-judgmental way because it’s not as filtered or censored as speaking out loud, art therapist Marygrace Berberian, PhD, LCAT, LCSW, previously told Wondermind.
So if your self-discovery journey is feeling stalled, sign up for an art class or try out some painting or free-writing by yourself. You might be surprised by how into it you get, notes Dr. Craigfeld.
4. Do a values audit.
Think of your values as the blueprint for how you want to dedicate your time or, as Dr. Martin notes, the “building blocks of who you are as a person.” Figuring out what actually matters to you—instead of what you think you’re supposed to do or what other people want you to do—is a way to tune into what makes you you, says Dr. Craigfeld. On the other hand, being disconnected from your values can make you feel unhappy and like your life isn’t on track, says Dr. Martin.
You can do a values audit by writing down what you’ve been spending your time and energy on lately and rating (on a scale of 1 to 10) how significant that stuff is to you, suggests Dr. Craigfeld. Then, you can set goals for what you want to be spending more (or less) time and energy on, she says. In other words, assessing what’s important to us can help us make choices that honor those things, says Dr. Martin.
Another fun way to think about what you want to prioritize in life is asking yourself the following, courtesy of Dr. Craigfeld: If I could wave a magic wand, what would I want to change about my life? Who knows! That might mean dedicating more time to your family or finding a different job.
5. Give yourself wiggle room.
Maybe you literally don’t know the answers to some of these very big questions. Or maybe you feel like you have so many answers and you don’t know what to do with them—or if they’re even actually true to you. That’s when trial and error comes into play, says Dr. Martin.
You can start by seeing if doing stuff that you used to enjoy still gives you the same feelings of joy and purpose it once did, suggests Dr. Martin. Again, what mattered to you in your teenage years might be completely different from what matters to you now in your thriving 30s, so don’t be surprised if you’ve changed, she says. But, also, maybe you still freaking love playing with animals, riding your bike, or connecting with people.
If you’ve stumbled upon some vague realizations in your self-discovery journey—like, Maybe some spirituality is missing in my life—don’t be afraid to brainstorm and workshop around that theme, notes Dr. Martin. You can try out different religions or various places of worship within a specific religion. Or, hey, maybe astrology ends up being more your vibe.
Finally, be patient and have some grace for yourself during this process. Remember that you are one brilliant, ever-evolving enigma on a floating rock in space, and there is no rush in figuring it all out right this second.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
