04.26.24
7 Self-Compassion Tips That Aren’t Just Pep Talks in the Mirror
Yes, we actually want you to schedule “mean time.”
So you messed up your calendar and completely ghosted your friend at dinner. So you got scary news from your doctor and couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the workday. So *everything* felt extra heavy the past few weeks or months. When shit happens and/or we experience uncomfortable feelings, it’s easy to get down on ourselves. Enter: self-compassion.
According to the American Psychological Association, self-compassion means taking a “noncritical stance toward one’s inadequacies and failures.” Therapists we spoke to see it in a similar light. It’s acknowledging when you're in emotional pain and being kind to yourself when that’s happening, says Jenna Klein, LCSW. According to Raphael Apter, LMHC, it’s giving ourselves grace and supporting ourselves when where we’re at isn’t where we thought we'd be.
The tricky thing is, self-criticism might actually come easier to you than self-compassion. We sometimes learn to be hard on ourselves from our environment. If you’re in a friend group where everyone values career success and you’re not doing so hot in that department, hating on yourself might come easy, for example, Klein explains. And, at times, the negativity we pile on ourselves comes out of discrimination and mistreatment from others, says Apter. All this to say: it’s hard to accept yourself and how you move through life when others don’t.
That’s why self-compassion is so important. When you choose to show up for yourself no matter what, you’re, in a way, expressing self-love, Apter says. You’re combating negative thoughts and judgments you hurl inward when mishaps and disappointments and inevitable hard times happen, says Klein.
Of course, if you’re not a seasoned pro at being kind to yourself, it might feel unnatural at first, but the more you flex your self-compassion muscle, the easier it’ll be, says Klein. That said, it’ll continue to be something you have to practice because…well…life. “There are always going to be situations where we wish we acted differently or situations that made us feel bad about ourselves, and all of that could result in either judging ourselves for it or treating ourselves with kindness,” notes Klein. You have a choice which avenue to go down, and even if you start to get judgy, you can use what you learn here today to pivot.
Plus, if you practice this stuff daily, which Apter recommends, you’ll know what works for you when you need it most. Here are seven ways to be more self-compassionate—straight from therapists who help people do just that.
1. Feel your feelings instead of judging them.
You know what doesn’t help when you’re angry, hurt, or sad? Bullying yourself about what you’re feeling and why you can’t just snap out of it! You’re feeling bad about feeling bad, which isn’t at all helpful, says Klein. On the flip side, sitting in the discomfort and being kind to yourself when you’re going through it can actually help you surf the emotion a bit easier, she notes.
Klein suggests doing something that enables you to process or release the emotion, like journaling or talking with a friend, instead of avoiding it or hating on it. Name that it’s happening—like, “I feel angry” or “I feel disappointed”—and why it’s happening, she says.
You can then ask yourself what you need in that moment as you’re going through whatever emotion you’re going through, she adds. Do you want to take a bath? Talk to your therapist? Go for a walk? Listen to a Taylor Swift album that matches your mood? Pick something that makes you feel like you’re taking care of yourself, Klein notes.
2. Reframe your “should”s.
You might not think that using the word “should” or “shouldn’t” counts as negative self-talk that needs a compassionate redirect. But, it totally can—especially when you’re judging or pressuring yourself, notes Apter. “I hear this all the time. ‘I should have gone to the gym last night. I shouldn't have watched The Real Housewives on my couch,’” he explains. Oftentimes, “should” is a shame-filled statement based on “arbitrary standards created by society,” licensed clinical psychologist Melissa Robinson-Brown, PhD, previously told Wondermind. Instead, focus on what you can do or reasonably have the capacity to do in that moment, suggests Apter.
Maybe you get home from a long day and you have a long list of chores, but you’re beyond exhausted. Instead of saying things like “I should do everything on this list,” you can say, “I’m able to do a few things off of this list right now,” suggests Apter. Or you can literally change your “should” statement to, “I give myself permission to take the night off” or “I give myself permission to do three to-do list items tonight.” Either way, this grants you the go-ahead to do (or not do) X, Y, Z thing you’re shaming yourself for, he says.
In these instances, avoid using “only”—as in, “I give myself permission to only do three things”—because that’s also steeped in judgment, Apter says. Saying you only did three chores on your to-do list is…well…not overtly mean, but it’s still mean enough! You’re not giving yourself credit for what you actually were able to get done.
It’s great to reframe these judgmental phrases in the moment, but if you need some help, you can always write them down on Post-it notes around your house (or wherever works for you), says Apter. One of his clients even has something like this tattooed on her arm. Sure, that might be a bit extreme, but it’s a nice lil permanent reminder!
3. Treat yourself like your own best friend.
If all of this is hard for you, try to shift your inner dialogue so it sounds more like the way you talk to your friends. We often judge ourselves more harshly than others, says Klein, and you probably wouldn’t tell your friend to just stop feeling so crappy and get over it. You’d let them feel whatever it is, you’d assure them that you get why they feel this way, and you’d check to see what they needed, Klein says.
So, if one of your friends texted you saying they were super upset they didn’t get a promotion, you wouldn’t tell them they weren’t good enough and there’s something wrong with them. You’d validate their frustration/tears because they work really hard—and of course it’s disappointing to not get a promotion when it seems like everyone on LinkedIn is. Then, you’d maybe tell them that this feeling isn’t going to last forever, give them a pep talk, or ask them what they need to get through this meh time, Klein notes. Now, try that same approach with yourself.
Another way to practice this is with a self-compassionate letter. Pretend that someone you care about, like a friend, is going through a hard time and shaming themself for it. Fill the letter with positive affirmations and things you know they’d want to read, clinical psychologist at McLean Hospital’s Trauma Continuum Michaela Swee, PhD, previously explained to Wondermind. When you’re finished, cross out the person’s name and replace it with your name.
4. Find the teaching moment in mistakes.
Being self-compassionate doesn't mean you’re ignoring things you need to improve on or escaping regret, says Klein. You’re not letting yourself off the hook. You’re acknowledging that something you did sucked and/or you want to do things differently, but you’re not treating yourself like your own personal punching bag for messing up, she explains. You’re reminding yourself that all humans make mistakes (cue that one Hannah Montana song) and reflecting on it, she says.
Instead of beating yourself up for dropping the ball on plans with a friend, you can take accountability, apologize, and contemplate—in a journal, in a voice note, with a friend—what you’d do differently next time, says Klein. Perhaps you would set reminders on your phone so that you didn’t get so caught up in your busy schedule that you forgot about seeing this person. Maybe you’d make plans for a different time of day—or different day of the week. Focus on what’s in your control as opposed to harping on your mistake, Klein notes. Bottom line is that you can take accountability and apologize for mishaps, but the compassionate part is also forgiving yourself, adds Apter.
5. Notice negative self-talk patterns.
Being able to recognize when we need self-compassion makes it so much easier to give it to ourselves, says Klein. “Without awareness that this is happening, you can’t really do anything about it.” So try to look out for what sets you off on an unkind spiral. Klein suggests asking yourself the following when you’re in mean mode:
- What do I normally say to myself?
- How do these judgy comments feel in my body?
- What mood am I usually in when I’m mean to myself?
- When I’m being internally mean, am I comparing myself to others?
- Who’s voice is this? Does it sound like me or like things other people might’ve said to me?
Once you identify these patterns, you can do some of what we already talked about, like thinking about how you’d talk to a friend, finding lessons in mistakes, or pivoting your language.
6. Remember you are your own person (and you change).
We’re all very good at comparing ourselves to other people. And when those comparisons send you down a self-criticism spiral, it’s helpful to remind yourself that you are…not them!
Let’s say you were recently dumped, and you’re giving yourself a hard time because, instead of getting back out there a week later like your friend did during their breakup, you can’t stop, won’t stop crying and you’re semi-stalking your now-ex on IG. You and your friend are different people, though! Self-compassion would be reminding yourself that everyone’s process is unique and embracing stuff that fits into your process, says Apter. You might actually need time to get back out there—and that’s OK.
Self-compassion also means reframing your thoughts when you’re comparing yourself to older versions of you. Instead of saying, “I used to run all the time, and it just doesn’t do it for me anymore. What the hell’s wrong with me?!” try to take the viewpoint of, “Maybe my needs have changed,” notes Apter. Maybe you need to do some self-discovery work to find out what you enjoy now or what coping skills make sense for where you are in your life.
7. Grant yourself "mean time.”
If flexing your self-compassion muscle has you feeling more guilty and ashamed when you do get down on yourself, that’s obviously not the intention. When that happens, you might need five or 10 minutes to let out what’s going through your mind, even if it’s a bit harsh, notes Klein. It's like worry time, if you've heard of that, she says.
Keep in mind that, for some people, this may turn into a spiral of negative self-talk they can’t get out of, which definitely isn't helpful, says Klein. However! For others, it could be just the thing they need to get the mean stuff out of their system, she says. This way, they can move on to the compassion part by treating themselves like they would a friend or thinking about what they can do better next time. Yeah, that can seem counterproductive, but it actually might work for you.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
