01.16.25
35 Very Good Responses for When You’re Not Actually OK
How *am* I?! Additional reporting bySam Brodsky
You probably get asked, “How’s it going?” several times a day—while grabbing coffee, exchanging pleasantries in a meeting, bumping into your neighbor at the grocery store. And your response is likely pretty reflexive, saying, “Good! How about you?” even if you are, in fact, not good. Who could blame you though? We don’t always have time to get into it, or we don’t want to burden the barista with our shit. I mean, how do you answer, “How are you?” when you're not OK?
As awkward as it might seem, sometimes the best answer is an honest one, says therapist Vienna Pharaon, LMFT, author of The Origins of You. Being real helps you feel seen and invites others to be vulnerable too, she explains. That can foster a connection that you wouldn’t have made otherwise.
We’re not saying you have to pour out your life story every time someone asks how you’re doing. But slapping a filter on your emotions so they’re more palatable won’t necessarily make you or the other person feel any better. “There is something reparative that happens when we have another human being hear us, hold us emotionally, and validate what’s going on in our lives,” says Pharaon. Yep, even if it’s your neighbor in the cereal aisle.
But it’s normal for this to feel weird and uncomfortable. There's a lot of societal pressure to be easygoing and likable, explains Pharaon. We think those are the qualities that make people want to spend time with us, she adds. So being truthful about your existential dread might make you feel susceptible to people judging or avoiding you.
While the urge to sidestep vulnerability is real (and sometimes super necessary), ditching the filter might help you and everyone else feel more comfortable with uncomfortable feelings. That said, you ultimately get to decide how honest you want to be and how much you want to say, notes Pharaon.
How to Answer, “How Are You?” When You're Not OK
If you’re down to get more honest, we broke down some solid ways to respond to, “How are you?” when you are not well. Depending on the scenario, you’ve got tons of options for sharing your truth in a way that feels good.
If you want to keep it light-hearted
1. I feel like I’m trying to survive the Hunger Games.
2. The human equivalent of the “this is fine” meme.
3. Like my intrusive thoughts are having a rave.
4. One minor inconvenience away from crying in public.
5. Just ordered ice cream and tissues (and nothing else) on Postmates.
6. The emotional equivalent of that tangled mess of headphones and trash at the bottom of your tote bag.
7. Panicking at the disco and also everywhere else.
8. Like Mercury has been in retrograde for the last 38 months.
9. In desperate need of puppies, cheese, or a six-hour nap. Or all three.
10. Not great, Bob!
11. They don't have an emoji for me lying on my kitchen floor, blankly staring at the ceiling, but…picture that.
12. Just waiting for that spin class to kick in and cure my anxiety.
13. My emotional-support water bottle is all I have right now.
If you aren’t sure what you’re feeling
14. I’m kind of all over the place.
15. IDK what’s going on with me, but I’m having a hard time.
16. I’m still processing what I'm feeling.
17. Pretty meh, but I’m honestly not sure why.
18. I’m still trying to make it make sense.
19. The vibes are mixed.
20. Having a bit of a menty b.
21. Currently deciding (with professional help) which DSM-5-TR criteria best explains my unique constellation of symptoms.
If you’re ready to get into it
22. Incredibly unchill. Do you have a sec to talk about it?
23. I’m struggling a little bit.
24. I could actually use a friend right now. Are you free?
25. Honestly, not great.
26. Very bad actually.
27. My anxiety has anxiety. Help.
28. Hanging on by a thread and accepting advice.
If you’re not ready to share everything yet
29. LOL…I’ve got a lot to journal about, and we can leave it there for now.
30. I’m dealing with a lot. I’ll tell you about it later.
31. Ha! I can’t even go there.
32. Rolling in the deep. What Adele song are you right now?
33. I’m not OK. But I will be.
34. I’m having a time. How are you?
35. Hard pass. Next question?
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
