01.24.25
How to Manage Resentment When it Shows Up in Your Relationships
Set your grudges free!
You’ve heard of resentment. It comes up when people talk about things like divorce, household chores, family dynamics, self-sacrifice, and office politics. Maybe you’re currently resentful of your partner who hasn’t cooked for you in years or your friends who make way more money than you and always want to splurge on pricey plans.
While we all know resentment is a bad thing that can ruin any kind of relationship, even the one you have with your boss, most of us aren’t sure why it happens or what to do about it. Well, other than unexpectedly losing our shit on a Tuesday when someone says, “What are you thinking for dinner?”
Here, we asked experts who see this all the time what resentment really means, why it keeps coming up, and what to do next.
What is resentment?
Resentment is “a feeling of bitterness, animosity, or hostility” that can come up when you feel hurt or insulted by something or someone, according to the American Psychological Association. The key here is that it’s about your perception of the situation—sure you might resent someone for never pulling their own weight, but you could also resent someone for something totally out of their control (like that they have a super inclusive and accepting family, and you…don’t.)
On some feelings wheels (a visual tool therapists often use to help clients pinpoint their emotions) resentment falls under the anger umbrella. It’s a subcategory of the feeling “let down.” And that basically gives you a sense of what resentment is about—feeling let down and pissed off about it.
At the same time, some mental health pros say that resentment is part of the jealousy or envy family, meaning it can come up when you want what someone else has. For example, if you’re clocking 12-hour days while your coworker consistently finishes up by 6 on the dot, you might resent them for it—even though they’ve done nothing wrong. Same goes if you have a sibling who has never planned a family event in their life but you host every Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and school play after party there ever was.
When it hits, resentment can consume your thoughts, says Sarah Herrera, PhD, LCSW-S. “You’re stewing on it,” Dr. Herrera explains. That can mean ruminating on other times this thing happened, a specific person you feel personally attacked by, or something semi-related you’ve been upset about for a while.
You can also be resentful of people and situations for reasons that actually have very little to do with them, she adds. For instance, say you’re on the highway and someone cuts you off. Yeah, you’re mad at that driver, but it might also trigger resentment towards your partner whose hectic work schedule means that you are on the road driving the kids to soccer for the bajillionth time.
Resentment also tends to be a slow burn that only gets worse if it’s not addressed, says Dr. Herrera. “There are so many ways somebody can feel or experience resentment, but it’s usually something built up over time.”
That’s especially true when you consistently feel underappreciated, undervalued, or like someone isn’t living up to your expectations, explains Dr. Herrera.
How does resentment damage relationships?
Resentment in a relationship is kind of like a cloggy shower drain. If you don’t take a sec to dig into the problem, it gets worse until you’re up to your ankles in dirty water mid-shower. That can ruin the whole bathing experience—a thing you used to love.
When you’re feeling resentful, you could start avoiding the other person, says Dr. Herrera. You tell yourself that your feelings are justified and you focus more on the (real or perceived) slight than the relationship itself. That isn’t a great mindset for connection, she adds.
And the more you avoid the other person or the issue itself, the more resentment builds, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. You need to talk about the problem in order to address it. When you don’t, you can create stories about why the other person acts (or doesn’t act) the way they do. That’s not super helpful since there’s no way of knowing that without asking.
Plus, when you don’t bring up your feelings, you don’t give the other person a chance to see things from your perspective and be there for you. Let’s say you’re resentful of your friend who’s seemingly always pregnant while you’re on your fifth round of IVF. Even though there’s no “problem” to fix here, stewing in your resentment about it can eventually impact your relationship.
How do I deal with resentment?
Sure, feeling resentful can hurt your relationships, but it’s not great for you either. When we ruminate on how much we resent something or someone, it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, says Dr. Howes. Holding grudges affects you more than anyone else., says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD.
No matter what your situation, here experts explain the best ways to manage resentment for the sake of your well-being and your relationships.
1. Notice when it comes up and where it’s coming from.
When resentment hits, you might not notice at first. It could be a fleeting thought you dismiss over and over until—eventually—it makes you angry.
So keep an eye out for signs you might be feeling resentful. Does a certain task or experience keep annoying you? Is a person becoming increasingly irritating? Whatever the situation, pause to sit with what’s going on, says Dr. Polyné.
Once you notice it, you’re better equipped to investigate the trigger. Ideally, you want to get to the core issues fueling that resentment so you can diffuse it. Otherwise, the cycle is destined to continue.
Maybe your partner makes time to crush episodes of Love Is Blind, but is too busy for their share of adult responsibilities. Perhaps your boss rescheduled your promotion meeting four times now, and you’re starting to take it personally.
When you pinpoint what’s upsetting you, you can also ask yourself, Why am I holding this person to these particular standards and expectations? Am I meeting them myself? That can shed more light on where the resentment is coming from.
But remember, feeling resentful doesn’t always mean that you’ve actually been wronged or that someone is out to get you. For example, a coworker who’s getting paid more than you likely isn’t trying to outdo you. But your resentment about that situation wants you to pay attention to whatever’s not sitting right, says Dr. Herrera. In this case, the pay disparity might mean you feel undervalued or overlooked by your employer.
2. Communicate compassionately.
With a better idea of what’s ticking you off, you can communicate those feelings with the source of your resentment. When you do, start the conversation in a way that’s less likely to trigger defensiveness in the other person, says Dr. Polyné.
That might look like, “In my head, the story I’m telling myself is X, is that true though?” This entry point enables you to share whatever your resentment is telling you without assuming it’s fact or accusing the other person, explains Dr. Polyné.
You can also use “I” statements to make your point, she adds. That can sound like, “I feel X when X happens because X.” That makes it easier for the other person to hear you out.
Whatever your opening line, the point of communicating your resentment is to be heard, says Dr. Polyné. So speaking calmly as you share what’s coming up for you and why you feel hurt will help the listener understand what you need. From there, they can choose whether or not they can or want to act differently.
During this conversation, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It’s possible they have good intentions, didn’t know how to show up for you, or didn’t mean to harm you, says Dr. Polyné.
That said, if you’ve shared your feelings and needs multiple times and the other person continues the unwanted behavior, you should do what’s best for you.
3. Celebrate the small wins.
Even if the other person says they’ll start making changes, the resentment won’t go away overnight, says Dr. Herrera. That’s because, once you’ve reached a point of resentment, it’s hard to see anything beyond that.
So, by actively working to replace the resentment you feel with positive interactions and positive memories, you can develop a healthier dynamic over time.
If the person you resent is your partner, Dr. Herrera suggests an informal relationship check-in at the end of the week. Perhaps your partner took the initiative to plan a date night or they made you laugh—celebrate those wins, no matter how tiny they seem.
For other types of relationships you want to resolve (like the one with your boss or coworkers or friends), you can do the same kind of check-in with yourself. Ask, What went well today at work? Focusing on those victories can help counteract the resentment you’ve been harboring for a while, Dr. Herrera says.
4. Find a mental health pro.
A therapist can also help you learn healthy coping mechanisms like gratitude, explore your blind spots, and give you tools to reduce future resentment with others, Dr. Polyné says. “You can also dive deeper into your relationship with yourself, learn self-compassion, and learn how to identify your feelings in the moment and when you’re feeling stuck.”
That can be especially helpful if you feel unheard or encounter tricky dynamics with a boss or family members, she adds. In those cases, a therapist can help brainstorm methods to overcome those issues and feel more empowered.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
