06.13.24
So, Relationship OCD Is a Thing
As the old saying goes, “I love you; it’s ruining my life.”
You may have heard about relationship OCD (ROCD for short) while scrolling through TikTok or from your friend who saw it there and texted, “I think I have this thing—HELP.” And while we’ve all probably obsessed over a relationship (or situationship) at some point, this is…not that.
For starters, someone with relationship OCD would need to actually have obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). And their symptoms (also known as obsessions and compulsions) center around relationship-based issues, like whether your partner is The One or if they’re cheating, for example.
This isn’t the same as having some relationship anxiety or doubts or even (gasp!) not finding your partner attractive 24/7, notes clinical psychologist and couples therapist Erika Bach, PsyD. Having relationship OCD means that these obsessive thoughts are persistent and make you feel like you need to take action somehow to feel better. Unfortunately, when you do, that relief doesn’t last long.
Here, we talked to OCD experts about what relationship OCD is, how it’s diagnosed, and how to deal. It doesn't have to be like this forever, promise.
One quick thing before we dive into the details: Mental health is complex and everyone has a unique experience, so don’t go diagnosing yourself just because you read a few articles on the internet (though, we do appreciate you stopping by to learn a few things). If this resonates with you, consider it a jumping-off point in your journey to getting care. OK, let’s get into it…
What is relationship OCD?
In case you need a refresher, OCD is a mental health condition where you experience persistent and intrusive thoughts, images, or urges (aka obsessions) that can make you super anxious or distressed, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR). To ease anxiety or attempt to ensure those thoughts don’t come true, people with OCD feel compelled to repeatedly check something, wash their hands, seek reassurance, or engage in other ritualistic actions. These are called compulsions, and they don’t always make a lot of logical sense, per the DSM-5-TR.
Relationship OCD refers to those cases where someone’s obsessions and compulsions are focused on their past, future, or current relationships (usually romantic ones). While relationship OCD isn’t specifically called out in the DSM-5-TR, it’s very real and very common, notes licensed clinical psychologist Sam Greenblatt, PsyD. That’s because OCD likes to settle onto things that are important to us, he says, so it’s not a surprise why relationships might be an easy target.
Some of the most common things people with relationship OCD obsess over are doubts or negative thoughts about a partner or potential partner (Are they caring enough? Do they love me?), themselves (Am I good enough? Did I accidentally cheat?), or their relationship as a whole (Is this kind of partnership right for me?), says Dr. Bach.
Some OCD-fueled worries can feel pretty irrational and others might not. For example, you might stress that you blacked out and cheated on your partner even if you didn’t drink much, says Dr. Greenblatt. On the flip side, Devin K.*, 28, who was diagnosed with OCD in 2019, says that intrusive thoughts about her partner cheating didn’t seem so out there since it happened in a previous relationship.
An obsession could also start off as a somewhat reasonable concern but snowball until you’re catastrophizing. Emily S., 29, Presently Bracelets co-founder, who was diagnosed with OCD after she graduated college, says she’d notice her significant other didn’t hold the door open. A thought would interject: Um, why didn’t they just open the door for me? Then it might turn into, Does this mean they have bad manners? Or if we get married I won’t be happy because I won’t be put first? Maybe they’re not right for me.
If you have OCD, you’ll also have an uncontrollable urge to prove the intrusive thoughts wrong or avoid the anxiety you feel via compulsions. You might try to reassure yourself by re-reading texts, going over old pictures, testing your partner (hello, orange peel theory!), asking Google for signs someone’s “The One,” or replaying memories in your head, says Dr. Bach. You might also actually ask for reassurance from other people or your partner.
Maybe these all seem like reasonable ways to prove your worries wrong. However! Relationship OCD compulsions create a real sense of “I need to do this thing right now” to alleviate your worries, says Dr. Bach. This urgency can feel like reaching for a cold glass of water when you're dehydrated, she explains. You gotta have it. It can also feel physically unbearable to resist compulsions, according to Emily S., who says she’d get a huge knot in her stomach and start to panic.
The tricky part is that compulsions are only a temporary fix. If left untreated, your OCD brain is always going to be like, Well what if we’re wrong?!, says Dr. Greenblatt. “You're never going to get to that sense of satisfaction or assurance that lasts more than a few hours,” agrees Dr. Bach. And so the cycle of obsessions vs compulsions continues.
How can I tell if I have relationship OCD?
A single OMG-I-don’t-love-them thought spiral and reassurance sesh doesn’t mean you have relationship OCD. To be diagnosed, you have to experience repetitive obsessions and/or compulsions for more than an hour a day, per the DSM-5-TR. These symptoms go on long enough to majorly interfere with how you function at school, at work, or in any other area of your life, says Dr. Greenblatt.
Maybe you’re able to get through your workday without picturing your girlfriend cheating on you. But pretty much all of your free time is spent thinking about it and going through memories, texts between you two, and convos you’ve had about her with friends.
If you can relate, it could be helpful to find a mental health professional to evaluate you for OCD. They’ll ask you about you and your family’s mental health history and compare your symptoms to the DSM-5-TR criteria for OCD, says Dr. Bach. They might also use a relationship OCD assessment like the Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Inventory, she adds. “When it comes to figuring out whether you have relationship OCD, it will come down to the level of distress, impairment of functioning in daily life, time spent obsessing or engaging in compulsions, and how difficult it is to not engage in those compulsions,” she adds.
How is relationship OCD treated?
When you’re constantly in your head, it’s hard to enjoy being with your partner or even commit to relationships at all, explains Dr. Bach. So, it makes sense if you’d want to explore treatment options for relationship OCD. Though there’s no cure for OCD, therapy and medication can help you better manage the obsessive thoughts and compulsions, says Dr. Greenblatt.
The gold-standard treatment is a type of exposure therapy called exposure and response prevention (ERP), Dr. Bach notes. The goal is to put you in situations that set off your unwanted thoughts and keep you from responding. Not gonna lie, this can be mentally and physically uncomfortable. But continuing to resist teaches you that thoughts aren’t threatening and you can accept uncertainty, Dr. Bach says.
If you’re going through treatment and realize that your partner’s lack of commitment, sucky communication, or constant reassurance fuels your obsessive-and-compulsive patterns, then couples therapy can help too, says Dr. Bach.
Some people also take medication like SSRIs to help quiet their obsessive thoughts. Dr. Greenblatt says that when he was on meds for his own relationship OCD, the dread and fear that pushed him to take care of his obsessions were less intense.
Overall, there’s hope, says Dr. Bach. “I wish that more people knew that, with the right skills and the right practitioner who knows what they're talking about, you can master your ROCD and live in a happy, healthy relationship.”
*Name has been changed.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
