12.05.24
What Is Radical Acceptance and Can It Change Your Life?
It’s not magic, but it’s close.
If you’re into mental health memes and love a therapy influencer, you might have heard this little hack floating around the ether. It’s called radical acceptance, and it’s a thing many mental health pros swear is key to living a chiller life.
And, in a time when things may not be going your way—personally, politically, existentially—who wouldn’t be willing to try anything to get some relief from the chaos? That’s exactly what proponents of radical acceptance offer. Allegedly this skill can help you deal with everything from family drama and grief to existential dread and any other big scary thing happening in your life.
But is this shit for real? Honestly, maybe. Here, we spoke to mental health pros about what radical acceptance is, what it isn’t, and how to do it.
What is radical acceptance?
Radical acceptance is a big part of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), a therapeutic modality created in the 1990s by psychologist Marsha Linehan, PhD, to treat borderline personality disorder, according to the American Psychological Association. Today, DBT is widely used to help people manage a bunch of different mental health struggles.
The premise of DBT is accepting stuff we don’t like and changing our response based on that reality. The acceptance part is rooted in Zen Buddhism and encourages people to use mindfulness to get present with what is—however uncomfortable that might be. That practice is basically radical acceptance’s whole deal.
Technically speaking though, radical acceptance is about acknowledging your reality as it is (rather than trying to avoid or change it), honoring your feelings about what’s going on, and figuring out how to move forward from there. In her book, DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Dr. Linehan describes it as the complete acceptance of what is, and goes on to explain one of the key takeaways: “Life can be worth living even with painful events in it.”
It may sound like a simple concept, but it’s not always easy in practice. That’s because, when something shitty happens or keeps happening, your first instinct might be to try to control the situation somehow (e.g. planning the perfect holiday gathering for your dysfunctional family who fights no matter the tablescape). Or you might deny that it’s happening, persuade yourself that you can change it, or ignore it completely.
All of these attempts at avoiding the reality of the situation are coping mechanisms, says Minaa B., LMSW, a licensed therapist, social worker, and author of Owning Our Struggles. If you convince yourself it’s not happening or that you can change it with enough hard work, you don’t have to endure painful feelings caused by this reality, she says. I mean, it’s a lot easier to obsess over place settings and holiday decor than to accept that family time isn’t what you’d like it to be. Whether you call it denial or delulu, it’s a way to feel less terrible.
Radical acceptance, on the other hand, would look like coming to terms with the fact that your family is a chaotic mess, that you feel really sad and frustrated when you’re with them, and that no amount of holiday cheer will change that. Then, knowing that your historically sucky family will likely behave the same this year, you can make choices that protect your peace. You could preemptively schedule therapy sessions right before and after your holiday break, suggest activities that get you all out of the house (movies are a great way to kill time without talking), or shorten your trip (or cancel it altogether). Choose your own sanity-saving adventure!
What isn’t radical acceptance?
To the untrained eye, radical acceptance can sound like condoning bad behavior, pretending everything is fine (see: toxic positivity), or being apathetic. The difference between all of these and radical acceptance is that the latter includes feeling your feelings and taking action based on those feelings.
Take toxic positivity for example. Unlike radical acceptance, toxic positivity means keeping up a positive attitude no matter the situation or what you’re truly feeling. It’s holding onto a no-bad-vibes mentality, even when you want to cry.
With radical acceptance, you first accept what’s happening and the tough emotions (fear, anger, anxiety) that come with it, says Gordon Gooding, LCSW, ACSW, a licensed therapist and the founder of Gooding Wellness Group. With a clearer picture of what’s going on and how you feel about it, you’re better equipped to take action. You’re making moves based on reality—not what you hope will happen, Gooding adds.
Likewise, radically accepting a situation doesn’t mean you no longer care about it. It’s kind of the opposite. You’re facing the issue and your feelings about it head-on because you do care. Then, with those facts and feels in mind, you can decide the best way to move forward.
Maybe that means disengaging from the situation (see: stalking your ex’s Instagram), but it could also look like taking action (especially if the things stressing you out are massive issues, like climate anxiety or political drama).
How does radical acceptance work?
It sounds like a magic trick, but it’s not. The idea is: The more we deny or avoid the truth of what we’re going through and our feelings about it, the harder it is to move forward and find some peace, says clinical psychologist Nina Polyné, PsyD. When we try to work around what’s really going on or try to change it, it usually just triggers more anxiety and uncomfortable feelings, she adds. In Dr. Polyné’s experience, that can even manifest as physical symptoms like stomach pains or fatigue.
It makes sense. When you keep trying to ignore something that sucks or trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change, you’re bound to feel extra terrible when you’re eventually confronted with the reality of the situation. In short, resisting the truth just makes us feel worse. Instead, when you acknowledge and react to what’s actually happening without judgement, you can make choices that align with what’s really going on, says Dr. Polyné.
Of course, depending on the situation, the radical acceptance wizardry might not happen all in one go, according to the experts we spoke with. Most of the time, you’ll have to sit in your feelings for a while before you achieve acceptance and make changes accordingly. That’s totally normal.
How to do radical acceptance
First, it’s important to know that radical acceptance is a skill, which means it’s something you have to practice over time, says therapist Sage Grazer, LCSW. That’s especially true if you’ve become a pro at avoiding uncomfy feelings or sugarcoating bad situations, she adds.
Step one is facing the issue. “Instead of putting energy into ignoring, denying, or wishing it were different, you can redirect it toward acceptance and making choices that align with the present,” Grazer says.
There are a few ways you can do that. Journaling is a solid option, says Minaa B. She suggests journaling about whatever circumstances are hard for you to experience. Maybe it’s a conflict at work, a relationship with someone in your family, or a fight you keep having with your partner. Ask yourself: What’s so hard about this situation and why is it so hard for me to make peace with it? Then, write about what fears this problem brings up (what are you afraid of happening?) and why you’re having such a hard time accepting it. Journaling out your answers and seeing what comes up is a great way to confront your thoughts and feelings instead of avoiding them, Minaa B. adds.
You can tackle the same questions with a trusted friend or a therapist if you’ve got one. “Healthy venting can help you embrace what’s going on and validate that your feelings are justified,” Minaa B. says.
While acknowledging how you’re feeling is an important part of radical acceptance, you also have to move on to the “OK, now what?” phase, says Gooding. That’s step two.
To start troubleshooting, even if you haven’t totally gotten to a place of complete acceptance, imagine yourself after you’ve made peace with the situation. What would your life look like if you knew this thing would never change? What would you do differently than you are now? This goes back to Dr. Linehan’s message that life can still be worth living even in the presence of painful events.
For example, say you know that your family’s political talk are going to come up at the white elephant swap this holiday season. How can you prepare or plan ahead for that experience knowing it happens every four years or so? Do you come prepared with a list of ways to change the subject? Do you find an ally in the family to commiserate with afterward? Do you skip the party altogether? Radical acceptance can help you feel less triggered when those hard-to-endure moments happen and more equipped to take them on. A double whammy.
All of the therapists emphasize that this isn’t a one-and-done type of thing. Especially if a situation is particularly devastating. Chances are you’ll have to keep accepting what happened/is happening, reevaluate your feelings, and adjust your coping skills and response as needed.
If it feels uncomfortable at first, that’s OK, Dr. Polyné says. But you’ll know you’re making progress when you start to notice small shifts in how you feel about the situation and how you respond to it.
Having trouble moving forward? That might be a sign that you’d benefit from the help of a trained mental health professional. They can give you tools to cope and help you get to the bottom of whatever’s blocking you from acceptance.
Remember, radical acceptance doesn’t mean forcing yourself to be happy about a situation. It’s about facing it, acknowledging how you feel about it, and figuring out how to move forward. It’s not easy, but the reward is better than denial. It’s peace.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
