For people in long-term relationships, it’s common to say what your partner is thinking or predict how they’ll react to something before they do it. It’s adorable and sometimes annoying, but it’s also unavoidable when you're with someone long enough. Over time, you’re bound to learn their behaviors and quirks better than anyone else—even before scouring the internet for “questions for couples.”
But don’t make the mistake of thinking that you know them better than they know themselves (as a licensed therapist, that’s something that I hear a lot of people say about their counterparts). If you make that assumption and stop being curious, you might miss out on all the ways your partner is growing and learning to be more emotionally available over time—just like you are.
In order to get that intel, we need to ask more than the routine questions like, “Can you pick up the dry cleaning? Wanna watch that movie this weekend?” Getting curious enables you to learn more about your partner, strengthen your relationship, and even prevent future conflicts.
If you’re not sure where to start, I got you. Whether you’ve been together for years or are still getting to know each other, there are a few—well, more than a few—questions for couples that can help you to get beyond the surface level stuff and understand your person on a deeper level. These little asks can get to the bottom of things like what motivates them and what gives them pause. Plus, asking them to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences can make them feel seen and cared for. Who doesn’t like talking about themselves with someone who is genuinely interested?
Also, you might learn something about yourself! After all, your partner is bound to ask, “What about you?” And it’s only fair that you self-reflect too!
If you’re down to get deep, screenshot these questions (or drop a link to your person) to use on a fun date night or just some deep Tuesday night dinner convo. Let’s go!
Fun questions for couples
These lighthearted prompts provide valuable insights into your partner’s emotional landscape without feeling intimidating. If you want to spark conversation in a relaxed yet meaningful way, give these a try.
1. If finances weren’t a factor, what would you do for a living?
Asking your partner what they would do for a living if financial anxiety was no issue can help reveal what’s truly important to them when they’re not in survival mode. What would they want to do for work? What would their day look like? These hypotheticals can shed some light on what are their values and aspirations.
2. What’s one change you could make to live a more regret-free life?
No one wants to look back and wish they took more time off of work or cared less about how they look, but it can be hard to shift out of get-things-done mode and into a reflective place. So this question enables us to see what changes we can make right now to lead a more fulfilling life.
This question can dig into:
- Our partner’s self-awareness around the areas of their life that need improvement
- Their capacity and motivation to embrace and act upon change
- Their priorities and what truly matters to them
Throw this one out there and take note of what you get back.
3. What is one moment that you’d like to relive again and why?
This question allows you to learn more about your partner’s favorite memories and what those moments meant to them. That helps cultivate a deeper understanding of what they consider meaningful, which, in turn, allows you to develop more emotional intimacy with them. Aww!
If you want to keep it open ended and see how your partner responds, leave this question as is. But if it feels overwhelming or they name something you’re already pretty familiar with, you can tailor this question to be more specific. For example, you could try, “What’s a moment in our relationship that you would want to relive again and why?” Or, “What’s an experience growing up that you want to relive again and why?” Choose your own adventure!
4. What’s one thing you wish you had more time for right now?
Their answer to this question shows you what person, place, thing, or experience they’re yearning for, which is cute. It also gives you the chance to help them get after it so they can find balance in their life. For extra credit, you can use this info to surprise them in the future. For example, if they wish they had more time to spend with their college friends, you can organize a night in and invite some of them over. With this info, you’re able to show them how much you care and understand what makes them truly happy.
Unlike the other Qs on this list, this is one you can ask every few months to assess any changes in your partner’s interests, priorities, and passions.
5. Describe your dream vacation.
OK, there’s a lot more to this than you think. Identifying your partner's ideal vacay opens up the conversation about what makes them feel relaxed and fulfilled—even if you’re at home on a Saturday morning.
This is helpful to know since not all of us like to use our downtime in the same way. Maybe you like to hang out and read a novel while your partner likes to maximize their time off with an itinerary (or a to-do list). Once you have a feel for how the other person likes to relax, you can align your expectations (and hold your judgment) accordingly.
Relationship questions for couples
This set of questions digs into your partner's feelings and expectations of the relationship. Because of that, you’ll want to watch out for or prevent any kind of defensiveness (from either of you).
To ensure that the conversation is productive, don't ask these questions if either of you are tired, hungry, or rushing to go somewhere. Instead, utilize these as part of a larger dialogue by starting the conversation when there’s plenty of time for reflection.
1. How do you define success in a relationship?
Having a dialogue around what a good relationship looks like helps you two create a long-term vision for your future and reduce misunderstandings.
So if you haven’t asked this one yet, start here to get clarity on what they expect in the relationship. That will get you both thinking about concrete goals you can work toward together. Don’t be surprised if you and your partner are more aligned on your visions of your relationship after this one.
2. In your opinion, what role do family and friends play in our relationship?
Everyone’s dynamic with their family and friends is unique, and you can’t assume that your partner wants to spend the same amount of time with them as you do. Assumptions without clarification lead to disappointment, so let’s get to clarifying.
This Q will give you the opportunity to explore boundaries and expectations with external relationships. But that’s just the beginning. If you want to go deeper with this question, get more specific and ask, “What are your thoughts on sharing our conflicts with the people we trust, like our best friends or our parents?” or “How much of our downtime do you feel we need to spend with family?”
3. What are your thoughts on therapy as a tool for support in our relationship?
No matter how compatible you are, no relationship is conflict-free. So when arguments arise and tension lingers, you need a plan to resolve it. Sure, you can give it a shot on the fly, but what if that doesn’t get the results you hoped for? What then?
Regardless of their response to this question, kicking off a dialogue about how they plan to navigate difficult seasons in the relationship will help you both feel aligned if the idea of therapy comes up down the road.
4. What are your core values and what experiences helped shape them?
Part of what strengthens emotional intimacy is the ability to get to know someone’s life events and understand their impact.
Learning about the experiences that made an imprint on who they are helps you understand their approach to life and their guiding beliefs. It also jumpstarts a super vulnerable conversation that can cultivate more emotional intimacy—a thing all relationships could use more of.
5. Is there anything from your past that could affect how you deal with conflict?
There are lots of insights you can pull from their answer to this question: What type of communication was modeled for them growing up, how their past romantic relationships have influenced their experience of intimacy and conflict management, and so much more.
But this can—understandably—be a touchy subject. So be sure to preface it by asking, “Are you in a space where you can get into serious questions about your past or upbringing? I want to get to know more about you and your style of communication.” See how it goes, but don’t push them if they’re not ready.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
