03.20.24
How to Be There for the New Parent Who’s Barely Hanging On
That newborn smell? Heavenly. Anxiety, depression, and overwhelm? Not so much.
I had my first child four months ago, and postpartum was by far the most overwhelming and darkest season of my life. While I was thrilled to finally snuggle with my newborn baby, I wasn’t prepared to recover from the birth, deal with hormonal changes, and figure out how to take care of a tiny, precious human—all while running on very little sleep. I also wasn’t prepared for what it would do to my mental health.
I knew those first few months would be difficult, sure, but I didn’t expect daily crying, questioning whether I made a mistake, and feeling guilty for thinking that way. I thought this should be one of the happiest moments of my life.
I felt alone at the time, but I now know these feelings are really so common in new parents. A quick rundown: 1 in 8 new moms struggle with depression in the year after giving birth, per the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Those symptoms can also happen during pregnancy (it’s called peripartum depression), and researchers have reported that dads can experience them too. Postpartum anxiety is another biggie, with about 17% of women experiencing symptoms post birth, according to one Canadian study.
Even without a diagnosed condition, most parents could use some assistance—like a lot. And while finding childcare or a quick hand when we need a break is helpful, it doesn’t always enable us to take care of our perinatal mental health. Instead, ongoing support and check-ins that focus on us parents—not just the baby—are even more vital. “Parenthood can be isolating, and support is one of the most important protective factors in postpartum,” says Jessica Sorensen, LCSW, a reproductive and perinatal therapist.
So if you’re trying to help someone who just had or is about to have a baby, here are five actually beneficial ways to lend a hand, according to mental health pros. Trust me: These small but mighty gestures will make a world of difference to caregivers.
1. Focus on the parents’ well-being.
Babies are super cute, and it’s very understandable if you’re just excited to meet and snuggle the new member of your circle. However, the people responsible for this nugget need even more attention. That’s because new parents often feel easily dismissed or like the last priority during this time, Sorensen says. Postpartum therapist Robyn Alagona Cutler, LMFT, agrees, adding, “They need to feel seen, heard, and understood.” If they don’t, they could start to feel lonely, depressed, and overwhelmed. And nobody wants to be in that mindset, Cutler explains.
Making an effort to ask about or just acknowledge your new-to-parenting friends’ emotions can go a long way. Be curious about how they’re really feeling. The next (and maybe most important part) is listening without giving side-eye or unsolicited advice, Cutler says. When you do, you’ll help meet their emotional needs during this challenging and literally life-changing time.
2. Steer clear of platitudes.
When someone’s freshly postpartum (or going through anything difficult, really), the last thing they probably want to hear is an optimistic, cliché phrase. Think: “Enjoy every moment,” or “At least you and the baby are healthy.” My least favorite: “Just sleep when the baby sleeps.” Cool. Thanks.
Even if you have good intentions, these pep talks minimize someone’s feelings, Sorensen says. And it can make new parents feel guilty when they don’t enjoy every aspect of parenting, adds psychotherapist Sarah Levine-Miles, LCSW. JFYI: It’s totally possible to love your kid and also miss your old life and hate things like being tired all the time, navigating feeding difficulties, and the physical aftermath of giving birth.
When a caregiver is going through the wringer, or even if they’re not, Cutler recommends avoiding any words of wisdom that encourage the new parents to look on the bright side. Instead, try to find words of affirmation that validate their emotions, enable them to feel less alone, and ease some of their overwhelm, Sorensen says. Here’s a freebie: “It seems like this stage is so difficult, and I’m here if you need someone to talk to.”
Another thing parents—especially first-time parents—really need to hear is that they’re doing a great job, Levine-Miles says. Channel your inner hype person and remind them that they’re top-notch guardians, regardless of how they may feel.
3. Encourage them to take care of themselves.
When someone’s life currently revolves around keeping their sweet little angel babe alive and thriving, it’s hard to snap out of caregiver mode and refill their cup. If you sense that’s happening, Sorensen suggests asking them how they’re taking personal time and encouraging them to take more mental health breaks.
Self-care looks different for everyone, but you could recommend they take a looong everything shower or spend time in a park, which Sorensen says can prompt that recharged feeling. You could also gift them a journal to help them get grounded, let out all their emotions, and reflect on their journey, Sorensen adds.
4. Share the load.
When you bring up things like an everything shower, their response might be, “I literally can’t.” Since babies are pretty demanding, that’s valid. In that case, one big way to support their mental health is by taking things off their plate.
But don’t be all, “LMK if you need anything!” which can seem non-committal. Instead, make it easier for caregivers struggling to ask for a hand by offering specific ways to pitch in, Sorensen says.
Ask if you can bring over a meal so they don’t have to cook. Offer to wash bottles, do laundry, or clean the house. “A clean space can help take away the stressors many parents feel at home with their baby,” Sorensen adds. Another one: See if they want you to watch the kiddo while they get some much-needed sleep, she adds. Basically, chipping in with any and every life task (baby-focused or not) will give them more time for rest and self-care.
5. Be available and stay available.
When people first bring home a new baby, their phone may buzz with friends and family checking in to see the goods. Then, life gets busy, and all the support they had disappears. But postpartum parents need ongoing assistance of all kinds, so it’s important to keep showing up for them physically and emotionally when you can, Cutler says. Try checking in about once a week. Even if they’re all good, show them you’re thinking about them and are available if they need you, Sorensen says.
If needed, Levine-Miles recommends helping parents access professional resources like therapists, doctors, or lactation consultants, which can ease the stress of growing a family. Doing some legwork can relieve some of the mental load of project managing their life with a new kiddo. Levine-Miles recommends dropping links to or contact info for Postpartum Support International (their helpline is 800-944-4773). For breastfeeding support, look to resources such as La Leche International and the federal WIC program.
The bottom line: Helping parents with their mental health and growing families isn’t as complicated as it may seem. It’s OK if you can’t follow every single tip all the time, but continually checking in and listening with an open mind can mean a lot more than you think.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
