Everyone lies once in a while. Whether you embellished a bit on a job application or you told your friend you loved those vegan gluten-free cookies that tasted like sand, we’ve all told some untruths. But there’s a big difference between occasional fibs and pathological lying, aka lying so much that it impacts your life and is huge mindf*ck to others.
Maybe you’ve heard, but pathological liars are often labeled as cold, calculated, manipulative people, notes Drew Curtis, PhD, a licensed psychologist who researches pathological liars and deception in relationships. And while that’s not always the case, it makes sense why most people tend to avoid fakers who can’t stop, won’t stop lying. Nobody wants to be *Ja Rule voice* hustled, scammed, bamboozled, hoodwinked, or led astray—or become the subject of a Netflix true crime doc.
Whether you’ve spent time with a pathological liar or heard some intense stories, you’re probably curious about why TF anyone would need to lie so much about seemingly random things. Here, we’ll answer all those questions about pathological liars, plus what that label really means and why they can’t stop fibbing. Heads up: Try to have an open mind because there are more factors at play than you might’ve realized.
What exactly is a pathological liar?
While pathological lying isn’t a diagnosis in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), it can occur alongside other DSM-5-TR-recognized diagnoses.
Two examples of this are narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), says licensed clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD. With NPD, people with that diagnosis have an inflated sense of self, larger-than-life behavior or ideas, a need for attention and admiration, and a lack of empathy, all of which might lead them to lie a lot. People diagnosed with ASPD might experience symptoms like impulsivity, irritability, reckless disregard for their safety or others (same goes for social norms and laws), and a pattern of deceitfulness, like lying. With both disorders, someone may lie to manipulate others or for their personal gain, Dr. Howes states.
Pathological liars are people who tell untruths that are “frequent, pervasive, and excessive,” says Dr. Curtis. That can look like lying about how turnt they were last night even though they were totally chilling under their 30-pound weighted blanket, or telling people they own the company they work for. BTW, the terms compulsive liar and pathological liar are often used interchangeably by mental health pros because pathological liars can feel a strong urge (or compulsion) to fib and don’t consider the consequences of their lies, Dr. Curtis adds.
This may come as a surprise, but many times, pathological liars don’t mean any harm or have a nefarious reason behind their dishonesty, says Dr. Howes. “A compulsive liar might lie about the weather, what they ate for breakfast, or who they spoke to yesterday,” Dr. Howes explains, adding that they also may tell elaborate fables with great detail, share dramatic stories, or even pretend that another person’s story is their own. “The lies come automatically, as if on autopilot,” Dr. Howes adds.
In other situations, a faker could have a motive behind their deception, like trying to be seen in a positive light or as the hero or victim in a story, Dr. Howes notes. That could look like acting as if their unpaid bills are the bank’s fault instead of admitting to spending hundreds on DoorDashed Chipotle. Basically, whatever they have to say to gain sympathy or admiration, they’ll do it.
Compulsive liars tend to go to great lengths and continue lying to maintain the facade, which creates a bad snowball effect, Dr. Curtis says. And if you call them on their BS they may get defensive, angrily rejecting any suggestion that they’re misleading you, Dr. Howes warns. I mean, have you ever watched Dirty John? Bad Surgeon? Or any of those classic person-ruins-lives-by-lying series/podcasts/documentaries? If so, you get it.
As you can probably imagine, pathological lying can make life hard for everyone involved, Dr. Curtis says. For starters, people generally don’t like to deal with liars, so a fibber’s social life could look bleak. Plus, excessive lying can put a person and others at risk of danger, Dr. Curtis notes. Say you dated someone who wasn’t honest about their family, job, and intentions. You’d likely be heartbroken if/when you ever discovered the truth, right? And they could be hurt when they realize you won’t stay with them. In an admittedly extreme case, if you went into business with someone who lied about their identity and the true source of their money, you both could be dealing with the feds soon enough.
What causes someone to be a pathological liar?
There’s a theory backed by one University of Southern California study that pathological liars’ brains are physically different than non-pathological liars. Of course, like with many mental health struggles, we need more research to understand if that’s true for all pathological liars and what else might cause someone to become one.
That said, mental health experts typically think of limitless lying as a learned behavior and defense mechanism that can develop as early as childhood, Dr. Howes says. “Pathological lying protects someone from judgment, rejection, and abandonment,” Dr. Howes says. If you’ve ever endured similar emotions or situations, especially as a kid, you likely understand how spinning tales can seem helpful when you want to be accepted (and because bullies suck). But when that continues over time, lying can spiral into a serious problem.
Can pathological liars change?
Well, maybe. On one hand, it’s rare for someone to get help with or try to change their fabrication tendencies, Dr. Howes explains. “They typically see it as who they are or a functional way to navigate relationships,” he says. So, you see the problem there.
It is possible for a pathological liar to change on their own if they’re aware of their negative behavior and genuinely want to work on themselves, Dr. Curtis says. And that does actually happen, Dr. Curtis says. He adds that people might also seek therapy because they—contrary to popular belief—feel remorse and guilt and have been ruminating on their lies. They might also sense something has to shift because they’re about to lose their job or partner, for example.
In the absence of DSM-5-TR diagnostic criteria and thoroughly tested treatments, one of the most commonly used therapeutic modalities is good ol’ cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which focuses on changing unhelpful habits, Dr. Curtis says. The first step in the CBT process will be pinpointing when someone’s most likely to lie, like when they’re scared of judgment. Then, once they’re aware of their triggers, they can work on changing their behavior, he adds.
On top of building awareness, a therapist can help someone practice being honest and determine if lying is really worth it. “They can start asking, ‘Is this truly what I want to say?’ before speaking,” Dr. Howes says. And when they see how honesty is beneficial (maybe their friends resonate with a tough-but-factual anecdote, for example), they’re more likely to speak the truth in the future.
Finally, if the excessive lying is due to an underlying condition, like NPD or ASPD, treating that with the help of a mental health professional is a great idea and can be easier than going it alone, Dr. Curtis says.
What should I do if I’m involved with a pathological liar?
You can approach this a couple different ways. If you know or suspect you’re romantically or platonically entangled with a liar and both people want to try to make the relationship work, you might want to try praising their positive behavior and ignoring the problematic stuff, Dr. Curtis says.
In this case, that would be celebrating when they tell the truth and letting lies roll off your back. Admittedly, it can be hard to spot what’s real in a pattern of dishonesty, and having to ignore deception kind of sucks. If that technique sounds impossible to you, going to therapy together is a solid option. After all, this is a lot to deal with.
Alternatively, if someone is messing with your well-being, like having you fill out official work or government forms with fake social security numbers, it’s probably best to cut things off. When you do that, Dr. Howes says they may lie again to keep you hooked or blame you, which leads you to defend yourself and continue to engage with them.
But if you really want to break away from a liar, you have to commit to leaving no matter what they say, Dr. Howes suggests. “Let go of the need to defend yourself, set the record straight, or bring closure, because that may never happen.” No matter how it ends, you’ll be better off getting away from them.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
