Pro Tips Link Copied 02.19.25

8 Things You’re Saying Without Even Realizing It

Plus, how to use nonverbal communication to enhance all your conversations. ByCarolyn Todd

Shutterstock / Wondermind

When we talk about communication, we’re usually talking about, well, talking. But experts say there’s a ton that we communicate beyond just the words we’re saying. It’s kind of like there's the verbal conversation, and then there’s a whole other conversation our bodies are having in the background (aka nonverbal communication). 

The problem is, sometimes we’re actually saying stuff nonverbally that we didn’t even mean to, which can lead to mixed signals and miscommunication. So learning how to be more aware and intentional about what vibes your nonverbal cues are giving off can help you become a better communicator—and feel confident that your body is saying what you want it to. Plus, it’ll make you better at reading other people. 

Here’s what the pros want you to know about what nonverbal communication is, why it’s super important to your connections, and some of the things you might be saying without even realizing it.

What is nonverbal communication? 

Nonverbal communication is essentially everything we’re saying to another person without, well, saying it. “It’s any behavior or other kind of cue that can communicate something to the other person,” says Valerie Manuslov, PhD, a professor of communication at the University of Washington who teaches and researches nonverbal communication. That includes eye contact, facial expressions, hand gestures, physical touch, and body language. For instance, “how you move your body, how close you are to someone, how much you lean in or away, how you cross your legs, how wide you sit,” Dr. Manuslov says. 

Nonverbal communication also includes things like what you’re wearing, how you interact with your environment, throat clearing, and silent pauses, Dr. Manuslov says. And while you might think of your tone of voice and how loud or fast you talk as verbal communication, these actually qualify as nonverbal too—since they’re sending a message outside the literal meaning of your words.

Nonverbal cues “play a large role in our interactions with other people," Dr. Manuslov says. “We tend to notice nonverbal cues and respond to them, even if it's not in our conscious mind.” When it comes to your own nonverbal behaviors, there’s likely many you’re completely unaware of, Dr. Manuslov says. For example, your body language can express how you really feel about somebody—even when your head isn’t totally sure how you feel about them (or you don’t want to admit that you don’t like them). 

While these cues can be rich with information, they can also be misleading or misinterpreted. We’re constantly making assumptions about what people’s nonverbals mean. The problem is, pretty much any behavior can mean multiple things (or nothing at all), Dr. Manuslov says. 

Say your boss crosses her arms during a check-in. You might think it means they’re unhappy with you, which is fair, says Dr. Manuslov. But she could also be crossing her arms because she’s chilly. Or feeling defensive. Or trying to cover up a stain on her shirt. Or having cramps. Or just more comfortable like that… You get the idea. 

So, becoming more aware of nonverbal cues can make you more mindful, intentional, and confident about what messages you’re sending people, says Debra Roberts, LCSW, a communication expert specializing in conflict resolution, relationships, and workplace dynamics. 

Being a sharp nonverbal communicator is crucial in situations where first impressions really matter (like a job interview). But it can also make you a better friend, partner, or family member. “It’s [about] knowing what behaviors will make other people that we care about feel good,” Dr. Manuslov says. If your bestie opens up and you want to show her you’re really here for her, you can use nonverbals to communicate that. 

What are some examples of nonverbal communication? 

Let’s talk about some common nonverbal cues, what they communicate, and when to use them (or what to do instead). 

1. Facing your whooole body towards who you’re talking to. 

Having your entire body—not just your face!—turned toward somebody is a simple, powerful way to show that you’re present, engaged, and interested, Dr. Manuslov says. It says “I am fully here and available.” (On the other hand, orienting your body away from someone says you’re not available for this conversation, or this conversation is over.) 

Try this when you want to convey that you’re giving someone your full attention. For example, say a colleague comes over to your desk to ask you a question. Instead of just turning your head (which could say you’re only partly available), pull back your chair enough to fully rotate your body their way. “The more you turn toward them, it marks it as, Oh, I was doing this, but now I'm engaging with you,’” Dr. Manuslov says. 

2. Scrolling or having your phone in grabbing distance. 

It’s become pretty normalized to have your phone glued to your palm. Still, looking at your phone subconsciously communicates that whatever’s on there is more important or interesting than what the person in front of you has to say, according to Roberts. It says “my attention is somewhere else.” Even having your phone on the table suggests some of your attention is with it or that you’re OK with being distracted by it, Dr. Manuslov says. This can even limit how deep a conversation goes. (You’re less likely to bring up something vulnerable or serious if your convo partner is one push notification away from responding to a DM.) 

If that’s not what you want to get across, try putting your phone away (in your pocket, your bag, your desk) and turning on do-not-disturb mode (when possible) to signify your full presence. “That can be a real sign that in this moment, I'm talking to you. I'm not gonna have any other distractions. You're important enough to me, or this topic is important to me, that I'm not going to let anything else bother me,” Dr. Manuslov says. 

3. Looking at everyone and everything except the person you’re talking to. 

Wandering eyes can indicate disinterest, boredom, and distraction. “If you keep looking at other people or around the room, it suggests to someone that you're not really paying attention—even if you are,” Dr. Manuslov says. Lack of eye contact could also suggest you’re uncomfortable with the topic, shy, annoyed, or intimidated, Roberts says. 

If that’s not what you’re trying to say, try making more eye contact to convey engagement and focus, Roberts says—especially when you’re listening. “The listener is looking toward the person for what they're saying,” Dr. Manuslov says. (Glancing away occasionally is fine.) When you’re the one doing the talking, too much eye contact can actually be intimidating. It’s more natural to look away while you’re speaking and then return to making eye contact, Dr. Manuslov says. “That makes most people the most comfortable.” 

4. Nodding or shaking your head while listening (but not too much). 

Nodding your head is a great way to indicate that you’re tracking with what somebody is saying, without interrupting them. A nod can signify active listening, understanding, enthusiasm, support, or agreement. It says “I’m really into what you're saying,” according to Dr. Manuslov. There can be too much of a good thing, though: Vigorous, continuous nodding could be misinterpreted as rushing the other person to hurry up and finish talking, Dr. Manuslov says. 

And while shaking your head means “no” or “I disagree” in some contexts, it can also be a positive cue. “If someone's telling you a terrible story or something they're really upset about and you shake your head, that can be a sign of empathy,” Dr. Manuslov says. For example, a well-timed headshake could say “Wow, what a jerk. I can’t believe he did that to you,” or “Oh, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you.” 

Try nodding when you want someone to know you’re on board with what they’re saying, and shaking your head to express empathy when someone is sharing something difficult. 

5. Standing weirdly close to or weirdly far from someone. 

Cultural norms tell us what range of distance we should be to people, depending on our relationship. The more intimate you are, the more physical closeness is expected, Dr. Manuslov explains. Within those zones, people have their own comfort levels. And if you violate someone’s level, “that will likely have an impact on how they see you and what they think you're trying to communicate, even if you're not,” Dr. Manuslov says. 

Standing or sitting closer to somebody can suggest intimacy and engagement. But getting too close can come off as being aggressive, overly familiar, not respecting their personal space, or trying to intimidate them, Roberts says. On the other hand, standing too far can be perceived as coldness or aloofness, Dr. Manuslov says—like “stay away from me.” 

Pay attention to this one next time you’re at a social event where you’re meeting new people. You’ll know if someone wants to be closer or farther based on their reactions. “What typically happens is the other person will back up,” Dr. Manuslov says. (Or try to move closer.) Follow their lead: If they back up, don’t move closer again. (And, of course, if someone gets too close for your comfort level, you should back up.) 

6. Constantly fidgeting. 

Maybe you tend to play with your hands, tap your feet, or squirm in your seat. “If someone knows you and knows that's just how you are, they're less likely to be bothered by it or notice it,” Dr. Manuslov says. But when someone doesn’t know you as well, fidgeting can suggest that you’re bored, impatient, distracted, or nervous. “I may just be tapping my foot, but you may see it as I can't wait to get away from this conversation,” Roberts says. 

If you’re a big fidgeter, there are a couple of things to try. One is to simply practice fidgeting less. While it can be a tough habit to break, Dr. Manuslov says it’s doable with time. That said, for many people who are neurodivergent, not fidgeting is extremely challenging or impossible, Dr. Manuslov points out. Some research suggests that fidgeting might help people with ADHD pay attention. And individuals with autism may use repetitive movements to self-regulate. 

Another option that Roberts recommends is just mentioning it, like: “Just so you know, I tend to be fidgety. But it doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention to you, that’s just what I do.” 

7. A gentle touch on the arm. 

Physical touch is one of the most powerful ways to make somebody feel cared for, Dr. Manuslov says. In general, a brief, light touch on the arm communicates empathy or emotional support. It says “I’m here for you, I feel for you, and I care.” Stick to the forearm, upper arm, or shoulder. 

While most people appreciate light touch, Dr. Manuslov says, some are touch-avoidant. She recommends paying attention to how they respond—if someone tenses up or pulls away, that’s a no-go. And in the workplace, any touch (especially between different genders) could communicate over-intimacy or a lack of professional boundaries. “If you're friends with somebody in the office, that's kind of different,” Dr. Manuslov explains. But in general, play it safe. 

Try offering a gentle touch when you want to be there for somebody who is upset or sharing something tough with you. “In those moments when they really need support, that's one of the best things, for most people, that you can do,” Dr. Manuslov says.

8.  Speaking in a soft tone.  

Speaking more softly can help set the right tone during a conversation about something serious, Dr. Manuslov says. It generally shows closeness with the person and that you care about what they’re going through. “If someone is upset, you can use a quieter voice to make it a more intimate, serious conversation,” Dr. Manuslov says. A lower volume can also show remorse during an apology, Dr. Manuslov adds.

Try this one next time you want to create more emotional intimacy during a conversation. 

One final rule of nonverbal communication: Stay curious. 

While knowing how people can interpret your nonverbals is super useful, another part of being a good communicator is staying open-minded and curious. 

For one thing, these cues aren’t black-and-white. “Sometimes people believe that nonverbal communication is this universal language,” Dr. Manuslov says. “And there are some biological, automatic things that we may do. But most of the time, they're affected by our cultural training.” For example, norms around smiling at strangers or how physically affectionate people are can vary a lot from one country to another. And within those cultures, we’re all different. 

And, like we talked about, most nonverbal cues can have multiple meanings. So when you notice what seems like a negative signal, try being curious instead of jumping to conclusions. “Those are moments when it's really good to notice the meaning that you're giving to the behavior, and then take a step back and ask yourself, What else could it mean?” Dr. Manuslov says. You can also just ask them. Try something like “Hey, I noticed XYZ. Does that mean you’re upset, or am I totally misreading that?” Dr. Manuslov says. “It can open up a conversation.”