Whether it’s Saturday night in your group chat or mid-meeting with a coworker, miscommunication happens. And when a message doesn’t land (see: miscommunication), it can cause confusion and anxiety and can wreak havoc on your relationships, says therapist Katie Miles, LMFT.
Maybe you show up to the function the day after it happens or feel completely lost on your latest work assignment or wonder if your roommate secretly hates you. All of that can happen when a speaker isn’t clear, the listener isn’t listening, or both, notes Miles.
If you’re in the thick of miscommunication mayhem—or just want to avoid that in the future—we asked therapists for the best ways to deal. Here, they explain the most common miscommunication pitfalls and how to manage them. Enjoy!
1. You’re in a bad mood.
Being in a crummy headspace can influence how you deliver a message. “Our mood can impact our tone, facial expressions, and body language,” Miles explains. That can mean the difference between coming off as warm and patient or irritated and sharp, she says. And that’s why a rough day at work can lead to snapping at your roommate about the trash that night. While your beef isn’t with them, it can seem like they’re the root of your rage.
Your mood can also impact how you hear other people, Miles notes. So when your roommate brings up chores after you’ve had a bad day, it can feel like a personal attack.
If you already overreacted, it’s OK. It happens. Shift gears by practicing some self-awareness. Miles suggests asking yourself, What am I feeling in my mind and body? You could also journal about that, she adds.
Once you figure out what’s going on, you can address it by self-soothing, Miles suggests. For example, if you’re feeling panicked or anxious, try holding an ice pack or going for a walk to ground yourself. If you’re stressed, you can try a breathing exercise to get back to baseline.
When you’re feeling a little better, unpack what you said or your reaction, Miles notes. Maybe it’s easier to see how a stressful workday got the best of you. (And, if it makes sense for your situation, you might want to apologize.)
Next time, pinpointing your emotions and regulating them before you have a conversation can keep those feelings out of that chat, Miles says. If they start bubbling up when you’re already in the middle of it, ask to take a break and come back when you’re feeling better, she notes.
2. They’re in a bad mood.
Say the roles were reversed. Maybe you ask your roommate an innocent question and they get super mad. Sure, you could’ve upset them, but they might also be reacting based on emotions that have nothing to do with you.
When their reaction seems out of proportion to whatever you said, Miles suggests pausing to consider their feelings. Maybe they’re hungry, tired, or going through something. Whether you know what’s happening with them or not, keeping this in mind adds some context to their tone. That can make whatever they say feel less personal.
You can also ask them what’s up. Miles suggests saying, “Hey, when you said X, I heard it as Y. Is that what you meant?” This gives the other person the chance to clear the air, she says.
3. You’re distracted.
Miscommunication can happen when you’re distracted by your own thoughts or things happening around you. Obviously, if you don’t hear what someone’s saying, you’re bound to miss something, says Miles.
So start by eliminating any external distractions, Miles suggests. If it’s loud, find someplace else to talk. If there are too many people around, do the same. Set your phone face down, close your laptop, turn the TV off. You get the point.
Then, squash your internal dialogue with active listening, suggests Miles. This communication skill means paying close attention to what the other person is saying and trying to comprehend it. You can repeat what you think they’re saying or ask questions to get clarity. Throw in some “mm-hmm”s and eye contact, and you’re on the right track.
4. You’re saying too much or not enough.
Sometimes we think we’re telling the full story when we actually aren’t, Miles notes. For example, say you asked a coworker for their report by the end of the week. To you, that might mean Friday morning. To them, it sounds like Friday EOD. Neither of you are wrong, but there’s bound to be a mix-up.
Similarly, too many details can make processing and taking action pretty challenging, says Miles.
In both cases, making an agenda or just a list can help you avoid miscommunication. Before you give instructions or explain your POV, especially if the stakes are high, write down the what, where, when, why, and how, says Miles. Don’t leave any room for people to read between the lines. Then, check in to see if anyone has questions, allowing them to get on the same page, she suggests. You can try, “I know I just shared a lot! Is anything unclear?” Miles notes.
5. They’re giving too much info.
Again, active listening is going to come in clutch here. Paraphrasing what someone says back to them and eliminating distractions can help you comprehend whatever they’re throwing your way. Depending on the vibes, taking notes can help you follow along too, adds Miles.
If you’re doing all of that and you still feel unclear about their point, Miles suggests saying, “I know this is important, so I want to make sure I get all of this. Can you go over that again before we move on to the next thing?”
When the convo is more casual, like a friend venting, you can perhaps try, “Wow, this is a lot. What’s stressing you out the most?” That can help center the conversation on what they want you to hear so you can respond accordingly.
6. They’re giving mixed messages.
Someone might say they’re fine, but their tone says otherwise. When things don’t align, you’re bound to feel confused, says licensed psychologist Amy Alfred, PhD. Are they really fine? Are they not fine but don’t want to talk about it? Should I know the reason they’re not fine? Miscommunication abounds.
When that happens, call attention to it, suggests Dr. Alfred. You can say something like, “It seems like you are not fine. Are you upset with me, or is there something I can do?” That encourages them to be more honest.
If they insist that they’re good, even if it really, truly doesn’t seem like it, you’ve gotta take them at their word and move on. You tried! There’s nothing you can do if they don’t want to say more than they already did.
7. You expect people to just get it.
Sometimes (OK, a lot of the time) we assume that people who care about us will just know what we want or need, says Dr. Alfred. This mindset can keep us from expressing our thoughts and emotions, she says. For example, if you assume your partner knows you want alone time based on your one-word responses, they likely won’t live up to that expectation. That can make you feel like they don’t care or understand you, which can fuel future conflict and miscommunication.
That’s why being up-front and specific, even if you feel like you shouldn’t have to, can clarify things, says Dr. Alfred. You’re essentially eliminating the guesswork for the other person. When you do, try to use “I” statements like, “I had a pretty rough couple of days, and I just need some quiet time right now,” to avoid any defensiveness on their part, she notes.
8. Their DM seems to have subtext.
It’s pretty common for us to apply an alternative meaning to a DM, text, or email. When you can’t see someone’s face or hear their tone, it’s hard to tell what feelings are behind the message, explains therapist Christian Jordal, PhD, LMFT, CST-S.
So when someone replies, “k,” without a single soothing exclamation mark, it’s easy to assume the worst. In that case, your best move is to shoot back with, “Are we good?” or, “Is something wrong? I get nervous without my emotional-support exclamation marks.” You can also offer to hop on the phone if they want to chat through something, says Dr. Jordal.
Again, if they don’t want to expand on their lack of punctuation, that’s their call.
In the future, when you know you have something complicated or sensitive to talk about, be proactive. Ask to FaceTime, talk on the phone, or chat in person, says Dr. Jordal. That will help you better understand each other, he explains.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
