11.27.24
Masking for Autism and ADHD Is Exhausting—Here’s How to Take Care of Yourself
Fight burnout, feel better.
For neurodivergent folks, the term “masking” refers to much more than just face coverings—it’s the common coping strategy that many people with autism spectrum disorder or ADHD use to mask certain traits associated with these conditions in an effort to downplay any perceived differences. And, if you can relate to masking autism or ADHD, you know how taxing it can be.
From sucking all your energy to messing with your self-esteem, masking has plenty of drawbacks. But, for some people and situations, the pros can outweigh the cons. Neurodivergent people might use masking to avoid bullying, judgment, discrimination, the loss of opportunities, and even physical danger, says psychologist Greg Wallace, PhD, an associate professor at The George Washington University who studies autism spectrum disorder across the lifespan.
Masking can happen in public places, at work, or anytime a neurodivergent person feels unsafe or uncomfortable, explains Dr. Wallace. Sometimes it can mean making an effort to hold eye contact even when it’s uncomfortable, changing the way you speak, and shifting your body language or even your tone of voice, says Zoe Gross, director of advocacy at the Autistic Self Advocacy Network. Of course, because masking is a means of covering up your specific traits of autism and ADHD, masking can look different for everyone.
Ideally, we could use a magic wand to build a more accepting society so no one would feel the need to mask. But, until we get there, it’s not uncommon for neurodivergent folks to turn to masking for things like impressing their boss at work, pacifying a cranky customer, or getting a drink at a bar. The important thing is that you take care of yourself before, during, and after, says Valerie L. Gaus, PhD, a clinical psychologist who works mostly with autistic clients. “A period of masking is just like any physically or mentally draining activity,” Dr. Gaus explains. And just as you’d prep and rest after a run or painting your house, you should take care of yourself before and after masking, she adds.
If you find yourself masking frequently, these self-care tips from experts and people who get it can help you stay energized, boost your confidence, and prevent burnout.
1. Meet your basic needs.
Like we said, masking can be exhausting. So if you want to fend off things like burnout or fatigue, make sure you’re doing the things that keep you afloat. Dr. Gaus recommends that people who mask prioritize sleep, make sure they’re not skipping meals, and stay hydrated. Meeting those small benchmarks can help you stay energized while masking and feel less drained afterward, she adds. “When you’re compassionate toward yourself, it frees you up to do more of what you want with your time and energy,” says Dr. Gaus. “Then, you can be more available for connection and sharing when you so choose.”
2. Optimize your downtime.
After masking all day, it can be helpful to find a safe place where you can decompress, says Jules Edwards, a writer and disability advocate with autism. Maybe that means skipping after-work drinks or the gym to head home. In Edwards’ experience, being intentional about how you spend your unmasked time can supercharge you after a long day. Think about what spaces and activities feel most energizing. Maybe it’s lying in a dark room or coloring in an adult coloring book. Maybe baths give you life. Anything that helps you feel more regulated or calm is fair game.
3. Lean on community.
Masking can make neurodivergent people feel ashamed of their traits or whatever makes them unique. When you’re constantly covering up who you really are, it’s easy to feel like you’ll never be good enough or fit in. That’s where finding people who understand can help, says Lei Wiley Mydske, the community outreach coordinator for the Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network.
Wiley Mydske says that leaning on others in the autistic community has been a game-changer for them. “When you know a lot of autistic people, you come to the realization that you’re not alone.” And, they add, spending time with like-minded people helps them unlearn the shame they felt about masking: “At some point, it dawned on me, Other people mask too and it’s OK.”
However you find community, spending more time with other neurodivergent folks can help you feel seen and heard. Social media and online forums are great places to connect with your people. You could join a Facebook group, follow folks with autism on Instagram or TikTok, or just chime in on a Reddit thread.
4. Find new safe spaces.
While online communities are a great place to find connections, meeting like-minded people out in the wild can be even more empowering, says Anita Robertson, LCSW, a therapist who works with ADHD-ers and has ADHD. You could join a theater club, go to a Renaissance festival, or join an improv group. Maybe not everyone there is neurodivergent like you, but your common interests can help foster a safe space outside your home.
To be clear, you might not feel comfortable fully unmasking in these spaces (at least at first), but you might feel compelled to play with your boundaries more than you might in other situations. “The world can feel so rigid at times, but there are these beautiful, healing environments where people can begin to feel safe being themselves,” Robertson says.
If you’re looking for a new third space, reach out to people in those online communities to see if there are any IRL groups they like. If their suggestions aren’t a fit, don’t sweat it. But it’s worth a shot, says Robertson.
5. Set some helpful boundaries.
Sometimes trying to blend in keeps you from requesting an assist when you really need it. Sure, it’s tough to ask for an accommodation without revealing your diagnosis. And that’s a problem if opening up about your neurodivergent status doesn’t feel safe.
In those cases, Edwards suggests finding a middle ground: asking for help without disclosing your origin story. That could look like kindly requesting your coworkers send calendar invites when they want to meet (instead of just swinging by your desk). You can say you’re trying a new productivity hack you read about or you’re behind a major deadline. You don’t need to tell them you’re neurodivergent.
You can get creative coming up with accommodations that don’t fully unmask you—just make sure they’re relatively reasonable and help you in an obvious way. For instance, taking a lunch break away from your desk is probably a thing you can do without even asking. Declining an invite to the work happy hour is another one. If you’re unsure whether your self-imposed accommodation is out of line, check in with your boss over email or DM to get their take. Again, you don’t have to tell them you’re dealing with ADHD or autism. Just let them know it helps you focus, decompress, or whatever else you’re seeking.
6. Experiment with unmasking.
Finding moments to be more of your full self in front of others can feel fortifying, like a release, or even relaxing, says Dr. Gaus. It can also help you feel more confident, says Edwards. “Unmasking took time, but now I’ve found other neurodivergent friends who I feel safe around,” she says. “The more I was myself around them, the more I realized people love me for just being myself.”
Plus, masking doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing thing. Start by asking yourself, Is unmasking in this environment going to help me or hurt me? Think about the short and long-term consequences. Is your physical safety at risk? What about your job security or even your self-esteem?
If you’re with people you trust and you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally safe, try peeking out from behind that mask, says Dr. Gaus. You don’t have to fully out yourself or put your neurodivergent traits on display if you don’t want to, but inching toward a more authentic version of you might feel pretty damn good.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
