07.08.24
How to Get Happy If You Currently Kinda Hate Everything
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When you’re feeling lost or frustrated or stuck (or all of the above), it can be hard to find joy in life. Sometimes life sucks and that’s just where you’re at—whether your job is going nowhere, your dating life is laughable, or you’re reeling from setback after setback. When this happens, it can feel like there’s no possible way to get happy again.
First of all, that scenario is totally normal. Garbage, but normal. In fact, our brains are pretty much wired to latch onto negative information, according to positive psychiatrist Samantha Boardman, MD, author of Everyday Vitality. At some point, this may have been helpful to our ancestors, who needed to be on edge about lions or extra concerned about fitting in to avoid banishment from their clan—but it’s definitely less than ideal when you’re just trying to get through the day without hating where you are in life.
And, second, the currently awful state of affairs in your life likely isn’t going to be your forever reality. It might be hard to believe right now, but you can baby-step your way out of the “I hate everything” hole and even feel good (gasp) about your current circumstances and where you’re headed. Here’s how.
1. Drop the pressure to be happy all the time.
Let’s clear something up right now: No one feels constantly amazing, and we’re actually not meant to. “Culturally, we’ve developed this sense that if we’re not happy or stress-free all the time, there’s something wrong with us,” Dr. Boardman says.
Like we said, it’s natural to feel sad, angry, worried, down, or like life sucks in general. The issue isn’t the fact that we feel these emotions but how we perceive them, says clinical psychologist Jessica B. Stern, PhD, who specializes in helping people live according to their values. If you see any negative emotions as a sign of personal failure, you could feel ashamed on top of everything else. So pressuring yourself to be happy all the time actually makes you feel so much worse, she explains.
By giving emotions that aren’t pure bliss a seat at the table instead of avoiding them, you’ll likely feel a lot less worn down. Repeat after us: It is OK to feel shitty.
2. Mine your misery for helpful info.
Once you get a little comfier with these not-ideal feels, you can start to see them as internal flashing traffic signs giving you some helpful direction.
On the most basic level, feeling like you hate everything (especially if it happens often) could indicate that your negativity filter is stuck in the on position, says Dr. Stern. If that’s the case, your inner world could likely use an assist in the form of self-compassion, self-care strategies, or a mental health pro to help you find a better balance between positive and critical thinking. (Just a heads up, it could also be a sign that you’re dealing with dysthymia, a long-term depression that’s usually considered milder than an episode of major depression.)
Of course, those feelings could also be indicators that something in your life desperately needs tweaking. When you feel like nothing makes you happy, take the opportunity to do some auditing, suggests Dr. Stern. Try to drill down to what feels the most wrong and what it says about the things that are important to you. If there’s a mismatch between your actual circumstances and your values, that’s info you can use.
Say you're feeling left out. It could indicate that close platonic relationships are a big deal to you. So, with that in mind, think about what you can do to prioritize those connections. Maybe it’s chiming in on the dormant group chat or sending a meme to the friend it reminded you of. See if you can kick off a new habit that makes friendship a bigger part of your everyday life.
3. Do a reality check.
When you’re stuck in a negativity spiral, challenging your perspective can help too. Dr. Boardman loves using an exercise created by Martin Seligsman, PhD, director of the positive psychology center at the University of Pennsylvania.
Start by imagining the worst-case outcome of whatever’s bringing you down. If your relationship just went up in flames and you’re scared you’ll be alone forever, picture your 70-year-old self surrounded by cats featured on an episode of Hoarders.
Next, indulge yourself in the absolute best-case scenario, she says. Maybe you go all Eat, Pray, Love, meet someone amazing while stuffing your face with pizza in Italy, and live happily ever after.
Then, find the middle ground. Yeah, maybe you’ll be single for a while. But you don’t even like cats and are OK with meeting the right person later instead of the wrong person right now—even if a whirlwind European romance isn’t in the cards.
Silly as this exercise might seem when you’re in a funk, it can help you consider that your worst fears may be somewhat unrealistic, Dr. Boardman explains.
4. Take baby steps toward solving a bigger problem.
Weirdly, we often get stuck in the mud of our own misery because it’s easier to say, “Welp, everything sucks,” than do something about it, explains Dr. Boardman. If you feel called out, don’t judge yourself, but get curious: Are there things you can do to feel better that you’re avoiding? (Hint: Probably.)
Consider this your cue to come up with one or two concrete steps you can take (they can be so small!) to make the puzzle pieces of your life fit better. Maybe you don’t take on an extra work project right now, or you carve out 10 minutes for that hobby you love, or you reschedule a hang with a friend who’s been draining your energy, Dr. Stern says. These aren’t dramatic changes, but they might be the tiny shifts you need to make progress toward a happier existence.
Plus, caring for yourself in non-fancy ways can give you a sense of authority over your life when everything feels like shit. Deciding to do the healthiest thing for yourself now (silence your phone after 9 p.m., don’t start that next episode on Netflix before bed, don’t skip dinner because you’re tired) can go a long way, Dr. Boardman says.
If you’re not sure where to start, think about your basic human needs that aren’t being met and how you can fix that. Feeling worn out? Check your bedtime and the last time you ate something that fueled you. You might find that the solution to your crummy mindset is easier to solve than you thought.
5. Do some good.
No judgment, but negativity ruts have a funny way of making you pretty self-absorbed, says Dr. Boardman. But even if you’re constantly comparing yourself to your seemingly super-happy friends, feel absolutely miserable at work or generally down bad about life, you’re not a selfish person.
That said, shifting your focus from your life to others’ is a great way to climb out of a “woe is me” cave. “It might be the last thing you feel like doing, but it’s one of the best antidotes we have when we’re in a dark place,” Dr. Boardman says.
It doesn’t have to be anything major. Pick up some garbage in your neighborhood the next time you’re out or help a neighbor carry their groceries inside. Itty-bitty good deeds can really make life feel slightly sunnier.
6. Call for backup.
When things feel bleak, you might want to isolate, cancel plans, or keep your business to yourself, but doing the opposite can shift the vibes. “We have this idea that happiness comes from within, and that it’s all about the individual,” says Dr. Boardman. Humans are social creatures, and it’s OK to need others. In fact, leaning on your friends and community is probably your ticket out of Everything Sucksville.
So, as you’re finding little ways to show up for others, give your people a chance to show up for you! Ask yourself: “Who can you reach out to to navigate this challenge?” Dr. Boardman suggests. “Check in with a trusted friend or family member who is balanced, helpful, and supportive,” agrees Dr. Stern. “A bit of venting and a lot of problem-solving can pull you out of a cloudy, I-hate-everything storm.” Chances are, they’ve been there, too.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
