Explainer Link Copied 11.26.24

How to Tell if You Have an Insecure Attachment Style

You’re not doomed, but here’s what to do about it. ByAshley Laderer

Shutterstock / Wondermind

If you haven’t spent a significant amount of time talking or thinking about attachment styles lately, then you probably have a much healthier screen time report than we do. Thanks to social media, everybody and their mom has heard about attachment theory and the ways it can show up in our interactions with others. One of the biggest sources of drama, according to the internet, is an insecure attachment style. 

Whether you just surfaced from an #attachmentstyles rabbit hole on TikTok or never heard of her, here we explain what an insecure attachment style is, how you can tell if you have it, and what to do next. Here we go! 

What is an insecure attachment style?

The short answer: It’s anything that isn’t a secure attachment style. But to understand what that means, we need to rewind a bit and cover attachment theory. 

Attachment theory was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded on years later by psychologist Mary D. Ainsworth, PhD, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). The theory suggests that humans need to form close emotional bonds with their caregivers (and with people in general) to survive. It also surmises that there are different types of relationships between infants and caregivers (some healthier than others), and those relationships can go on to affect that child’s emotional growth as they get older, per the APA.

Dr. Ainsworth reported that the more sensitive and responsive a parent is to a child’s needs, the more likely that child is to have a secure attachment—aka the best kind of attachment. And that idea has been backed up by lots of research since.

Babies develop a secure attachment when their caregivers consistently meet their physical and emotional needs during their first year, says therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, who treats clients with insecure attachment. When parents don’t respond to a child’s cries or provide a safe and stable environment, it can lead to an insecure attachment, Groskopf says. “Insecure attachment is fundamentally a survival strategy,” she explains.

The idea is that we change our response to our caregivers to get our needs met. Sometimes that means ramping up the crying, screaming, or being unsoothable to keep our parents' attention, she explains. Other times, you might avoid displaying emotion because your parents have consistently let you down when you’ve shown distress in the past, she adds. 

Over the years, psychologists found that attachment theory also applied to romantic relationships. And while the attachment styles we have in our adult relationships might be the same ones we developed with our caregivers early on in life, that’s not always the case for everyone. Plus, an insecure attachment style in dating isn’t always caused by caretakers—you can also develop an insecure attachment from unhealthy relationships, says Michelle Mouhtis, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in relationships.

Finally, It’s important to note that attachment styles aren’t necessarily static. “Although people who are secure in one relationship—such as relationships with parents—tend to be secure in other relationships too—such as relationships with partners—there is nothing deterministic about this pattern,” says R. Chris Fraley, PhD, who specializes in attachment theory. “Indeed, many people have different kinds of attachments with different people in their lives. It is quite common for people to have a secure relationship with a parent but an insecure relationship with their current partner.”

Types of insecure attachment styles 

According to Dr. Ainsworth’s research and the attachment studies that followed, insecure attachment styles fall into one of three categories: avoidant attachment, resistant/ambivalent attachment (now often referred to as anxious attachment), and disorganized attachment.

Here’s the difference between these three types of insecure attachment.

Anxious attachment: “People with an anxious attachment style crave and desire intimacy, but they're fixated on whether the other person likes them back,” says Mouhtis. If you have this style, you probably struggle with a fear of abandonment too. 

Anxious attachment is typically the result of a caretaker who’s inconsistent, Mouhtis says. Maybe they were loving and attentive some of the time, but they could also be MIA, moody, or angry. As a result, you can become hyper-aware of other people’s emotions, work to anticipate their needs, and abandon your own. 

Avoidant attachment: It’s not that people with an avoidant attachment don’t want intimacy, it’s just super uncomfy for them, Mouhtis says. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you likely ~avoid~ emotional intimacy, distance yourself, and keep your relationships surface level to prevent getting hurt.

This attachment style is often a result of caregivers rejecting or dismissing a child’s needs, teaching them that emotion leads to rejection, Groskopf says. So, to protect themselves, the child might suppress their emotions and keep feelings out of their relationships moving forward, she adds.

Disorganized attachment: This attachment style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment tropes. You go back and forth between craving intimacy (see: being “needy”) and pushing intimacy away in an unpredictable pattern, says Mouhtis. Sometimes you’re distant, sometimes you’re clingy. 

This kind of attachment is often thought to be linked to childhood trauma. “Typically with disorganized attachment, there was a parent who was both a comfort to the child and a threat,” Mouhtis says. That can create a lot of confusion for a kid and how they see their role in relationships. 

How can I tell if I have an insecure attachment style?

While it’s easy to take these at face value, attachment styles are incredibly nuanced. You likely have a global attachment style that dictates how you’ll generally respond in relationships, but there may be variations in how you act from relationship to relationship, says Dr. Claudia Brumbaugh, PhD, who specializes in attachment theory. “This variation is based on how the partner treats you. A very secure person is unlikely to become super-avoidant with one person in their life, but they may be more avoidant with one person than they normally are because that person tends to be emotionally cold toward them.”

That said, here are some indicators that you’ve got an insecure attachment situation going on, according to Groskopf. 

Signs of anxious attachment:

• You constantly seek reassurance
• You frequently ask your partner if they still love you 
• You worry excessively that your partner will leave you
• You panic when people don’t respond quickly to texts
• You’re a people pleaser
• You often sacrifice your own needs to maintain relationships 

Signs of avoidant attachment: 

• You often keep your feelings to yourself
• You avoid emotional conversations
• You pull away when relationships get too close
• You think keeping an emotional distance is the safest
• You don’t like to rely on others
• You feel more secure being independent 

Signs of disorganized attachment:

• You push people away when they get close, but feel distress when they’re distanced
• You struggle with trust
• You’re torn between wanting emotional closeness and fearing it
• Your reactions in relationships feel inconsistent 
• There’s a lot of instability in your relationships
• You sabotage your relationships 

How can I fix an insecure attachment style? 

The most important thing to remember about an insecure attachment style is that it isn’t a life sentence. It’s definitely possible to develop a more secure attachment style. Here’s how. 

Identify your biggest struggles.

It’s hard to say what kind of insecure attachment style you have without working with a therapist. That said, assessing how you show up in relationships can help you notice unhelpful patterns, Groskopf says. For example, do you constantly seek reassurance from a partner and fear abandonment? Do you avoid vulnerability and keep your partner at arm’s length? This awareness is the first step to making changes.

Because these patterns aren’t your fault, you also need to prioritize self-compassion through this process, says Groskopf. Instead of judging yourself for your attachment style, recognize that these patterns once helped you survive and connect, Groskopf says. “You don’t need to blame yourself.”

Get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Building a secure attachment style takes major changes, and it’s not easy. As with anything new, approaching your relationships differently can feel weird or uncomfortable at first. And yet, pushing through can help you grow and develop new relationship and communication skills. 

For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, try to stay present and sit with the feelings that come up when a partner expresses affection. “In the moment, you can remind yourself that receiving a partner's love doesn't mean losing yourself or your independence,” Mouhtis says. With practice, you’ll learn to associate intimacy with pleasure and joy rather than loss, she adds.

On the flip side, if you have an anxious attachment style, you can work toward feeling more comfortable with being alone and learn to reassure yourself instead of depending on others,  Mouhtis explains. Over time, you can feel less dependent on reassurance from others and trust that people aren’t always going to leave you. 

Find a professional. 

Working with a pro is your best bet for developing a secure attachment style that sticks. “Therapy, especially with an attachment-focused therapist, can help you learn why you adopted these coping strategies and how to form healthier connections as an adult,” says Groskopf.

Mouhtis says that she often uses internal family systems (IFS) therapy with clients who have attachment issues. This kind of psychotherapy encourages people to see themselves as made up of various parts with different roles in order to heal childhood wounds (like insecure attachment). No matter what type of therapy your mental health pro uses, know that these changes take time. But stick with it! Secure attachment, here we come!