06.28.24
7 Tips for Anyone Who Feels Like a Failure
If things are especially bad right now, this can help.
Sometimes life doesn’t go your way. You don’t get your dream job, your relationship falls apart, you mess up in a very public way—whatever it is that goes horribly wrong, it all sends your mind to the same sucky place: I feel like a failure. Well, if it’s any consolation, we can assure you this feeling is incredibly common.
“We live in a very goals-driven society,” says Zarmina Khan, MEd, a psychotherapist with Bloom Psychology. “We go to school, we go to work, we’re expected to grow and accomplish things. We have all these benchmarks of what a ‘successful’ life is supposed to look like.” And when we don’t meet those milestones when and how we want to, of course it can leave us feeling terrible.
Not to mention the impact of the past couple of years, which Khan notes threw a lot of people’s plans right out the window. Thanks to the so-called pandemic skip, many of us still feel like we’re playing catch-up. “It’s not a you problem—we’ve been operating under very unusual circumstances, and there’s nothing wrong with your life not going according to plan right now,” Khan says.
So, whether you’re reeling from a specific mistake or just generally feeling lost or like you aren’t measuring up, here are some therapist-backed tips for shaking that failure feeling and getting back on track.
1. Feel the feels.
Before jumping into solutions, Khan says it's crucial to make space for your feelings. “You might feel disappointed, sad, let down, hurt, embarrassed—all of these are normal feelings to have,” she says. Journaling can be a powerful tool to express your emotions, as can chatting with a trusted friend or therapist. Anything but brushing them off or burying them deep.
Just watch out for the potential spiral. “It’s important to be mindful of your inner critic showing up,” Khan says. “You want to validate your feelings without falling into thoughts like, I’m a failure or I can never do anything right.”
If you’re wondering, OKAY, BUT HOW? keep reading for some helpful reframes.
2. Rethink the word “fail.”
Go ahead and imagine the use of heavy air quotes whenever we use that word in this article. Contrary to what many of us learned growing up, success and failure aren’t mutually exclusive—they often coexist. So Khan recommends shifting how you talk about your “failures” to ease the shame and hurt that often accompany the idea, says Khan.
Instead of more emotionally charged language, she suggests terms like “setback,” “mistake,” or “unwanted outcome,” or whatever’s most relevant. “‘Something that didn’t go as planned’ is more approachable and less intimidating than the self-critical and all-encompassing weight of ‘failure,’” she says.
Another reason to avoid “failure” language: Because it implies fault or blame in situations that aren’t actually in your control, like breaking up over wanting different things, experiencing fertility troubles, or struggling to make rent.
3. Look for evidence you’re not a failure.
We often fall victim to cognitive distortions in the face of perceived failure, says Khan, like black-and-white thinking (I always screw things up) or overgeneralizing (If I didn’t get this job, no one is ever going to hire me). Sometimes even being aware of these negative thoughts is enough to shut them down early, but challenging them with a little proof doesn’t hurt.
Rebecca Phillips, LPC, therapist and owner of Mend Modern Therapy, recommends keeping what she calls an evidence log for these scenarios. “This could look like an ongoing log of positive feedback, accolades, achievements, and so on,” she explains.
Since it can be tough to recollect your successes in the moment—especially when you’re feeling low—Phillips recommends making a habit out of filing away these compliments and accomplishments on a regular basis. That way, when the failure feelings hit, you’ll be armed with evidence to the contrary, she says.
4. Don’t be mean.
You knew this was coming: Practicing self-compassion is huge when you’re dealing with feelings of failure, according to the experts. In other words, be nice and gentle with yourself, and recognize your efforts. “One immediate step you can take when you notice feelings of failure starting to creep in is to take a deep breath and tell yourself, ‘I’m trying my best, and that deserves compassion,’” Phillips says.
When in doubt, try talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend going through this same dilemma. “Would you think that they're a failure?” Khan prompts. “What words of advice or encouragement would you offer them? How can you extend a little bit of that to yourself? What kind of support would you need in that moment?”
5. Shift your focus from your goals to your values.
There’s nothing wrong with setting goals and working to accomplish them. But focusing solely on those goalposts can make any deviation feel like a huge deal. Say your dream is to go to a specific university—and you don’t get in. “I could interpret that as me failing at that goal, but if I look at the values that I had along the way instead, I can remind myself that I still worked hard, which aligns with my values of perseverance and dedication,” Khan says. (Here’s a great way to figure out what your values are).
And, in the face of a perceived failure, your values can help you decide what to do next. Maybe you’ll reapply to the same school because you believe strongly in trying again. Or you might reflect and realize another school is a great match because of how it aligns with your other values, like being in a location that allows you to connect with nature and or be close to your family.
“When we look at our values in addition to our goals, it helps us focus on the process and not just the outcome,” Khan says. “So, even if it doesn't go exactly like we want at the end, the kind of person we are and the type of life we live along the way also matters.”
6. Look for lessons and opportunities for growth.
When things go wrong, you might be tempted to go full Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and never think about them again. But it can be really helpful (albeit a little cringeworthy) to reflect on a failure constructively.
“We want to take an honest look at our contribution to the situation to see if we can adjust,” Phillips says, whether you’re unpacking what led to a specific outcome or identifying patterns that may be holding you back. The key is to remain curious and objective rather than judgy in your self-assessment, she adds.
Maybe you blew an interview. Despite what your first thought might be, it’s probably not because you totally suck and will never get the job you want, ever. Among the more likely scenarios: maybe you didn’t prepare enough, or maybe you weren’t interested enough in the job to fake enthusiasm. These are helpful clues to have in your job search.
"Reflecting on missteps non-judgmentally and with curiosity can teach us about who we are, what works and doesn’t work for us, what we care about, and who we want to be," Khan says.
7. Reflect on what else might be going on.
If the feeling of failure is hanging around no matter what you do, it’s worth exploring whether there are other issues at play. “Chronic feelings of failure are often the result of deeper unresolved emotional experiences,” Phillips says, noting that our perception of our mistakes and setbacks can be influenced by external sources like the messages we received growing up.
While you can connect some of these dots yourself—like recognizing how you’ve internalized certain family expectations or unpacking the relationship between your self-worth and your career—don’t hesitate to dig in with a professional if possible. According to Phillips, you may also be dealing with broader mental health concerns like depression, anxiety, or burnout, which can exacerbate these feelings (and vice versa).
“Finding a therapist who can help you work on healing the deeper wounds that contribute to these feelings can be life-altering for your internal and external growth,” Phillips says.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
