Life really kicks your ass sometimes, so the least you can do is not add to the misery by being unnecessarily hard on yourself. While sometimes you do need a little tough love, shame isn't the only motivator for change, says therapist Abby Wilson, LCSW. Yeah, in theory, you could shit-talk yourself into “being better,” but that doesn’t feel as good as taking care of yourself.
It’s also a massive problem because basing your value on external factors, like productivity or pleasing people, can make you feel like you always have to prove your worth to yourself and others. Over time, that creates a very fragile self-esteem, Wilson explains.
Sure, it can be hard to scrape together self-compassion, especially when you feel like you’re missing the mark. But kindly acknowledging your mistakes and moving on allows you to maintain perspective about this very relatable human experience. “Mistakes are a natural part of growth and learning," says therapist and coach Meredith Van Ness, LCSW. “By accepting them without judgment, you free up mental energy that would otherwise be spent on self-criticism,” she says.
With all that extra mental energy you can better focus on what’s needed to relieve stress, support yourself, and problem solve, Van Ness adds.
Finally, giving yourself a break when things get hard can help you bounce back from failures or missteps quicker than when you try to rise and grind through it. “Instead of beating yourself up, offer yourself understanding and encouragement. This creates a sense of inner calm and resilience, making it easier to cope with challenges over the long run,” Van Ness says.
With that in mind, we asked mental health pros how to take care of yourself when things really suck so you can preserve your mental and emotional resources, maintain perspective, and move the hell on.
1. Check the voice in your head.
Cutting yourself some slack doesn’t have to mean doing less (though it can!). All you might need in a pinch is a mental reframe to help you feel a little better about whatever’s going on.
Next time you’re hit with stress, overwhelm, or a nagging feeling of failure, tap into your inner dialogue and listen closely to what you’re telling yourself. If it’s straight up mean, think about whether it’s part of an ongoing pattern, says Wilson. Ask, How often do I think this way? What are the mean things I’m always telling myself? When was the last time I thought this way about myself?
Once you’ve got a sense of how often this happens, investigate whether these thoughts support how you want to feel about yourself or how you feel in general, Wilson suggests. Say, in a perfect world, you’d like to feel more confident at work. If, I’m an idiot, or, I suck, keeps running through your head, that’s unlikely to help you reach self-assured status, right?
Next, it’s time to reframe your negative thoughts into more kind, empowering ones, but there’s a caveat: You have to believe them. So come up with statements or affirmations that sound like you, acknowledge the difficulty you’re facing, and affirm your ability to cope, says Van Ness.
For example, if your go-to is, This is impossible. I’m not good at this, opt for something like, This is a challenge, but I’ve done hard things before, so I can probably do this too.
2. Procrastinate responsibly.
I’m very sorry to inform you that we’re humans, not robots, and there’s only so much we can do in a day. That said, it’s easy to get swept up in hundreds of to-dos that seem urgently urgent. But do you really need to get it alllll done right now? Maybe not.
Say it’s a Tuesday and your work schedule is packed with meetings and assignments, plus you wanted to make that killer roast chicken from your Pinterest board tonight—and the supplies for your weekend project won’t purchase themselves. Oh, and what about that bathtub deep clean you’ve been meaning to tackle for months now? This is definitely the time to obsess about that too, right?
If this is the inside of your brain, please take a step back to figure out what’s most important today or even within the next couple of hours. Maybe the goal is just to get through the last few meetings in one piece or turn one of your reports in by EOD. It’s OK to set the bar lower than you’d like. “Challenging perfectionism frees up our brain to experience more happiness and more realistic expectations for ourselves,” says licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Hayes, PhD.
So cut yourself some slack and make a conscious choice to put off anything that’s not time sensitive, Dr. Hayes suggests. Instead of letting those lingering tasks haunt you for the rest of the day, assign new deadlines that are in line with their importance, adds Dr. Hayes.
Maybe the roast chicken is a next weekend thing, shopping for your project happens during your lunch break next Thursday, and the bathtub cleaning commences on the following Saturday. Add them to your calendar for a future, far-less stressed version of you to deal with.
3. Vent it out.
When we shame ourselves for doing something wrong and secretly ruminate on it, those feelings can get stronger, says Wilson. “Shame thrives on secrecy and isolation,” she adds.
But if we lean on our support system when we’re feeling ashamed or down on ourselves, we often receive empathy, validation, fresh perspectives, and rebuttals to some of our most irrational thoughts, explains Wilson.
So give your people a call, take your office bud to lunch, or send that five-minute long voice note to your friend who gets it. Venting to someone you trust and being open to their feedback can bring you back to reality, remind you that you’re capable of doing hard things, and hype you up again.
4. Write it down and rip it up.
Unfortunately, negative feedback and constructive criticism are a part of life. To make matters worse, we often remember way more of the bad things people say about us than the good. That’s especially true if you already have distorted beliefs about yourself (i.e., “I’m a failure”), says Dr. Hayes.
So the next time you can’t stop thinking about someone’s negative response, write it on a piece of paper and tear it up, Dr. Hayes says. Ripping up those words on the page can trick your brain into feeling done with whatever was said. “It’s a physical manifestation of not letting those ideas stay with you,” says Dr. Hayes. This comment doesn’t get to define you—only you do.
To internalize the good things people say (or the kind things you think about yourself), Dr. Hayes recommends writing that positive feedback on a slip of paper and putting them into a jar on your desk. Then, whenever you need to take care of yourself, pull one out and read it.
5. Let yourself be human.
A huge part of self-compassion is acknowledging that everyone messes up and experiences feelings of shame or unworthiness, says Wilson. No matter how bad you feel, it isn’t just you.
Also, doing hard things and learning from negative life experiences (while being kind to ourselves, of course) is how we grow, says Wilson. Giving yourself permission to mess up, be human, and engage in self-compassion as you hit those bumps in the road helps us develop core confidence, she says.
So, instead of beating yourself up for a mistake, reframe it as a learning opportunity and a moment to take care of yourself. When you do, you’ll continue to evolve into the person you want to be rather than dwell on who you’re not.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
