If you’re here, you’re probably thinking, Ugh, I feel lonely, or even, Is there a book about how to not feel lonely anymore? Because I freaking need it! And we hear you—loneliness is no joke.
While loneliness can strike for a number of reasons—moving, feeling disconnected from your people (we’re busy!), or struggling to bond with those around you—the solutions are often the same. Developing emotional intimacy, finding shared values, and connecting over common interests with others are the foundation for feeling seen and appreciated, says therapist Daria Stepanian, LMFT.
But how do you do that? Well, we spoke with mental health pros who see this all the time. Here, they explain how you can feel less lonely, feel more motivated to make friends, and feel secure on your own in the meantime. Let’s do this!
1. Practice vulnerability.
At its core, experiencing I-feel-lonely vibes usually indicates you’re not connecting with people, says psychotherapist Gianna LaLota, LMHC. The best way to fix that is to open up. Sure, it can feel scary, but building emotional intimacy (aka connection) means getting a little vulnerable so others can get to know you on a deeper level.
You don’t have to tell a random person your deepest, darkest secrets, LaLota says. But if you notice that your convos with someone you’ve been texting for a week—or a partner you’ve been with for years—are pretty surface-level, you can test the waters. Talk about a weird hobby, a hard childhood moment, or a work problem you’re navigating. When the other person shows empathy and acceptance, it’ll encourage you to open up even more, LaLota says. If they don’t, maybe they’re not your person.
2. Find untapped friendships in your network.
Feeling less lonely doesn't necessarily mean going out and making a bunch of new friends from scratch. While you could do that, you can also start with the people you kind of know, clinical psychologist and friendship researcher Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, previously told Wondermind.
Ask yourself what areas of your life you’d like to share with others and who might be a good fit, Dr. Kirmayer said. Maybe you want someone to hike with and you have an acquaintance from the gym you’ve low-key wished you knew better. Use that as a jumping-off point! You can say something like, “I’ve been meaning to check out some trails in the area. Do you like working out outdoors too?”
Or, maybe you’re in need of friends you can just laugh with and your coworker really gets your sense of humor. Be upfront about your intentions, Dr. Kirmayer noted. You could say, “I really love how much fun we have together—would you want to grab dinner sometime after work?”
3. Find your chosen family.
When you struggle with your family of origin, seeing other people spend time with theirs can make you feel extra isolated. But broadening who you view as family can help you notice all the people who deeply care about you like family—aka your chosen family. Maybe you aren’t as alone as you thought! “Chosen family is this unique opportunity to intentionally decide who our community will be,” licensed therapist Moe Ari Brown, LMFT, previously told Wondermind. When you feel like you’re lacking close family ties, making an effort to lean into your closest relationships can help, Brown said.
4. Try group therapy.
Sometimes our mental health struggles can make us feel like we’re the only ones experiencing anxiety, depression, or grief. But, obviously, that’s not the case. If you feel isolated by a condition or personal challenge, attending group therapy can help you navigate those struggles and meet people dealing with the same thing. It’s a one-two punch for lonely folks, notes LaLota.
You don’t have to be friends with these people, but you can find a greater sense of community just by hearing their stories—some of which may be about loneliness specifically. LaLota recommends asking your own therapist (if you have one) about group sessions or looking into group therapy in your area via directories like Psychology Today.
5. Relish your alone time.
When you are feeling lonely, it's easy to focus on what you’re lacking—like a core group of friends to chill with or a deep connection with another person. And while that's understandable, it’s also true that you very much deserve joy and happiness and are totally free to seek that out. Finding activities that bring you joy can shift your feelings away from loneliness, which can help you feel a bit better, says therapist Jin Kim, LMFT. So consider the things that you really want to do with your free time, like get lost in a TV show or a good book, listen to your fave album all the way through, go sit in the park for hours—whatever has you laughing or smiling (or both).
If you want to be even more intentional with maximizing your alone time, you can create a ritual or tradition just for you, Dr. Kirmayer previously suggested. It can be anything you’ll look forward to—like taking yourself out to eat every Friday night or establishing a morning routine that grounds you and prepares you for the day.
6. Do that thing you want to do…even without a plus-one.
People often get hung up on needing to go places with others, but if you do enjoyable things on your own, you may be able to find a potential friend along the way, says therapist Erica Turner, LMFT. “The more that you're like, ‘I'm gonna go to this museum,’ or ‘I'm gonna go to this cookout,’ you'll find people there who like to do some of the same things.”
If you don’t find like-minded people, at the very least, you’ll come out of it with some quality "me time." And that’s also helpful since it lets you focus less on loneliness and more on solitude, “a feeling of being alone and independent while enjoying your own company,” says licensed clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD. “If you can shift your mindset toward doing something good for yourself, the time alone can feel like a gift instead of a curse.”
7. Join groups that share your interests.
Joining a club (or just a group of people with similar interests that isn’t called a club but should be) is a great way to form real-life connections with people you don't already know, says licensed clinical psychologist Sophia Choukas-Bradley, PhD, associate professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. For example, Dr. Choukas-Bradley said she joined a feminist book club when she moved to a new city, which sounds pretty neat! Is there a running group you could join? What about a crew that meets every month to show off their cool cars? Hey, it probably exists!
8. Spend some time out and about.
Going out in public might make you feel less alone, even if you aren’t connecting with people while you’re there, says grief and trauma therapist Katherine Hatch, LCSW. You can work at a coffee shop, go window shopping, or do whatever makes you feel comfortable, but the point is just being among humanity, she says. People are hardwired to be social creatures, so it’s necessary for us to feel like we’re part of a larger group, adds Kim.
If you’re up for it, it may also be helpful to make eye contact with people you see in a store or restaurant or wherever, says Hatch. Doing that or simply greeting strangers can create a tiny connection. These are what licensed psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD, calls “micro-interactions.” They “build the foundation for more social interactions that last longer or have more depth over time,” she previously explained. If you’re unsure how to not feel lonely, this seems like a low-stakes starting point.
9. Remember how cool you are.
If your loneliness comes with a side of low self-esteem, that checks out. “A lot of times when we’re lonely, we're pretty hard on ourselves,” says psychiatrist and psychotherapist Melissa Shepard, MD. “Loneliness tends to be more painful because we blame ourselves for being lonely.”
It might sound silly or uncomfortable, but create a mental (or physical) list of what you like about yourself and why you’re kind of a big deal, suggests Stepanian. You could also try some self-love affirmations. This may give you a little boost of self-confidence and help you avoid a self-deprecating spiral. Then, remind yourself that there are other people out there struggling with the same thing, which can help too, says Dr. Shepard.
10. Take care of yourself.
Actively showing up for you is another very helpful way to feel less lonely, says therapist Lawrence Jackson, PhD, LMFT. You're proving that you can count on yourself! Ask yourself what would feel good and bring you comfort. Is it doing that tiny thing on your to-do list you’ve been dreading or ordering delicious takeout or finally putting your laundry away? It may sound simple, but sometimes it’s difficult to dig deep and be honest about what you really need.
11. Investigate your lonely feels.
Writing about what you’re experiencing in your body and your mind when you’re lonely is a good way to find a sense of calm and to release what’s bothering you, Stepanian told Wondermind in a previous interview. You can drop them on actual paper, in your Notes app, or in a doc on your computer—whatever is easiest for you to get your feels down works. If you could use some thought starters, take a peek at these journal prompts for loneliness.
12. Draw your loneliness.
What does being lonely feel like and/or look like? Reflecting on this separates your emotion from yourself, taking its power away. That can make the sense of isolation more manageable and less overwhelming, says Hatch. “We can externalize it to the extent that we actually get to be curious and compassionate about it. We get to take care of it.”
Doodling what loneliness means to you may help you understand it better. If you’re not sure where to start, think about what color your loneliness is, what its shape is, where it is located in your body, and if it could be a character or a sensation, says Hatch.
13. Scroll through your phone.
When you’re in the pits of loneliness, it’s easy to tell yourself that you don’t have anyone to reach out to or that no one cares, says therapist Alo Johnston, LMFT (he says he gets that way too). However, swiping through your phone contacts, texts, or DMs can remind you that there are people in your life you could talk to, he says. You don’t have to reach out, but it’s a step toward realizing that you’re not alone.
14. But maybe stay away from social media.
While many people report that social media helps them feel less lonely by enabling them to meet new people, it can also snowball your loneliness in a lot of situations. After all, scrolling through a highlight reel of people doing fun things with others can send your FOMO through the roof. So, if you’re craving connection ASAP and feeling left out, try opting for a prolonged conversation in real life, on the phone, or via Zoom. This is a more effective way to squash loneliness than quick, often passive or surface-level convos on the socials, Dr. Choukas-Bradley says.
15. Decide how you want to socialize.
If you do want to reach out, stop to ask yourself what level of connection you’re looking for. Are you up for a real convo? Great! Go for it. But you may just be in the mood for a speedy check-in text or a battle of who can share the best memes before bed, Johnston says. “There isn't this one universal way that we feel connected, but I think in times when we feel extra lonely, we wanna look at what's the easiest access point to feel connection,” adds psychotherapist Sahar Martinez, PsyD, LMFT.
If you want to text, call, or FaceTime someone you haven’t chatted with recently, don't let yourself believe that they’ll be annoyed by you, says Johnston. We might all have those people in our lives we’ve been meaning to catch up with, so remind yourself how you’d feel if you heard from them, he says. You’d probably be open to talking to them, and they could very well feel the same.
16. Reality test your negative assumptions.
Oftentimes people who are lonely want to connect with others but fear rejection, says psychotherapist and author Chris Warren-Dickins, LPC. Maybe you’re tempted to chat up that person you always see at your coffee shop or pilates class, but you worry they’ll think you’re weird for talking to them out of nowhere. Challenge the validity of that fear when it comes up by thinking about times where you actually had good conversations with people you didn’t really know, he says. Also, think about times that friendly, well-intentioned strangers struck up a conversation with you. Did you assume they were weird or did you appreciate the chance to connect? Chances are you’ll be able to find a few welcoming people.
17. Volunteer for a charity or cause you support.
“Not only do you get the gratification of doing your part to make the world a better place, but you could find yourself serving wonderful people and meeting other volunteers with similar passions,” says Dr. Howes. Love animals? Search for shelters in your area that could use some help. Want to spend more time outdoors? Look for park cleanup events happening near you. In fact, one study suggested that widowed adults 51 and older who volunteered for two or more hours a week felt less lonely. Yeah, this is very specific, but you get the point.
FYI, if volunteering isn’t your jam, you can send a friend coffee money or give your cousin some clothes you’re ready to part with. Doing something (anything) nice for someone else fosters connection that'll make you feel seen.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
