04.30.24
11 Things Your Autistic Friends Want You to Know
Being flexible and direct can go a long way.
We all want to be a great friend to our people, but showing up for your friend with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) might look a little different from the way you support your neurotypical friends.
That’s because ASD is a type of disorder that impacts “how people interact with others, communicate, learn, and behave,” according to the National Institute of Health (NIH). Those differences can show up in tons of different contexts—whether we’re talking work, school, or social life.
For some people with ASD, this might look like struggling to have a back and forth conversation or adjust their behavior based on the social context, avoiding initiating social interactions, or hyperfixating on certain interests, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders (DSM-5-TR). There can also be confusion with nonverbal cues—like not making eye contact or appropriate facial expressions—which can make socializing trickier, says psychiatrist Sid Khurana, MD, medical director at Nevada Mental Health, who works with autism patients. Straying from routine can also be overwhelming for some with ASD, according to the NIH.
Of course, autism affects everyone differently, and no one person will have the same experiences as another. But, in general, symptoms like those can make it challenging for an autistic person to be understood and accepted by people who aren’t neurodivergent or don’t know enough about how to support neurodivergent folks.
So, what can you do to foster a healthy friendship with your autistic friends? Below, autistic people—and medical professionals who work with autistic patients—share their advice.
1. Shift your expectations.
“If you have a friend who is on the spectrum, the first thing to do is make yourself more aware of what autism is and how it affects someone, so that you can have realistic expectations. You might anticipate differences in eye contact, that there will be conversation limitations, that people with autism might have special interests that they hyperfocus on, or they might at times say things that are not appropriate. They might be very literal, concrete, might not understand sarcasm, might say things that are ‘correct’ but inappropriate. Knowing what to expect helps us to understand, accept, and not judge them the way we would neurotypical people.” —Dr. Khurana
2. Be willing to be flexible.
“If an autistic person says, for example, ‘I really need us to go somewhere we can sit outside,’ what they might really be saying is: ‘If we can sit outside, comfortably, I will be able to hear you and focus better, as indoor spaces are loud, busy, and have too much stimuli.’ Adapting oneself to whatever an autistic person says works best is a form of love. Have patience when they try to express this or they’re not coping with an environment well. That can help someone who already worries about being difficult.” —Rose Hughes, autistic woman and neurodiversity and disability specialist at Bened Life
3. Don’t compliment them for seeming neurotypical.
“Do not say things like, ‘You don’t seem autistic,’ or, ‘You don’t look autistic,’ or ‘I don’t think of you as autistic.’ Some people mean this as a compliment or to indicate that you are ‘high-functioning,’ but these statements can imply that it’s better to not be autistic.” —Suzannah Weiss, an autistic woman and relationship coach
4. Be direct.
“For me, the most annoying thing a friend can do is kid around with me. I can’t really tell when someone is being sarcastic or when someone is trying to be funny. So, I prefer when my friends are direct and just say exactly what they mean.” —Adrienne Bunn, 18, who became the youngest known female with autism to complete the IRONMAN World Championship race.
5. Ask what type of support works best for them.
“[Before you spend time together] be sure to ask what feels like a supportive space. Do they need some silence with a physical presence, some sensory input like a hug or hand on the shoulder, or just someone to talk to them? There are so many options to support neurodiverse individuals, so just ask.” —therapist Michelle Hunt, LMHC, neurodivergence and ARFID services director for Empower Your Mind Therapy
6. Take them seriously.
“Autistic people are used to masking their traits and putting up with sensory and emotional stimuli that are taxing on them. So if they express that something is too much—like they’re overwhelmed by a loud noise, a strong scent, or an emotionally intense conversation—they really mean it. They are likely being pushed to their breaking point.” —Weiss
7. Find the right mode of communication to talk to your friend.
“My friends know not to call me. If my phone rings, I go into panic mode, and I just stare at it. When someone asks me to call, I literally isolate myself and it can come across as dismissive. It’s hard to understand in general because it would be quicker than texting, but, for me, friends who respect that I'd rather text, WhatsApp, or eventually meet up for coffee, are the ones that last. Friends have said to me, ‘I know you don’t do phone calls, so maybe we can do this?’ And that kind of adaptability is a love language for me.” —Hughes
8. Show that you can relate or empathize.
“It is often comforting when a friend says something to indicate that they are familiar and comfortable with autistic people—or even feel positively about them. For instance, when I told one friend I was autistic, she replied, ‘I have a few autistic friends, and they’re all super smart.’ This helped me to feel at ease. I didn’t have to hide my autism from her. Any indication that someone understands, relates to, or empathizes with aspects of autism is comforting. —Weiss
10. Just be there for them.
“Just being there, even in the silence, shows unwavering support. It’s about the quality of the presence, not always about engaging activities. A memorable moment of support was when a friend simply sat with us, not rushing or expecting anything, just sharing the space and allowing my daughter to interact on her terms. This quiet acceptance was incredibly supportive.” —Brenda Christensen, whose 17-year-old has non-verbal autism
11. Check in at an event.
“I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD at 26 (I'm now 28), and not many of my friends stepped up in the way I needed. I could tell some of them didn't believe me or didn't understand my diagnosis. For example, when I asked for support at an overwhelming social event, one of my friends told me, ‘It’s just in your head.’ That tipped me over the edge into a meltdown. When friends check in on me, especially at social events, and ask what I need to feel more comfortable, it makes me feel loved. Sometimes they offer to dim the lights, let me DJ, and be a listening ear if I need to vent.” —Kendall Fae Fuhrman, Wondermind interim social director
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
