04.03.24
How to Break Up With Someone Without Being a Dick
"I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me."
No matter how long you’ve been together, breakups are awful. It’s the end of a relationship that—at one point—brought you a lot of joy. And, despite whatever reasons you have for breaking up, this person probably also has some great qualities that you’re sad to lose, says dating and relationship therapist Rebecca Marcus, LCSW. After all, you chose them for a reason. Since there’s no manual for how to break up with someone in the least awful and messy way possible, we brought in some experts to help.
Even if you know splitting up is the right thing to do, the idea of hurting their feelings can stop you from moving forward, Marcus adds. But in case you needed reminding, “you get to decide what’s the best thing for you, and you don’t have to tolerate a relationship that’s not working,” she says. In other words, trust what your gut is saying and don’t stay with someone for the sake of comfort (or because breaking up is hard), says therapist Levi Rhodes, LMFT.
While it’s great that you want to avoid hurting their feelings, you really can’t sidestep that part. But you can try to make this breakup talk as thoughtful and considerate as possible without sacrificing yourself in the process.
Here, we asked therapists how to break up with someone without being a jerk to your ex or yourself. You’ve got this!
Use “I” statements.
The first thing to figure out is your delivery. Saying how you feel about the relationship (an “I” statement) instead of hitting them with how they make you feel (a “you” statement) is a less shamey way to deliver the news, Marcus explains. For example, instead of saying, “You’re not making me happy,” you can try, “I’m not feeling happy in our relationship,” she says. Or instead of, “You’re not putting in effort,” maybe try, “We talked about what I need in this relationship [assuming you have talked about it], and nothing’s changed, so I gotta take care of myself,” Marcus suggests. You’re basically saying the same things in a way that’s less accusatory, even if they’re still somewhat upset.
Be direct.
Of course, if you feel like “I” statements are keeping you from being direct about how you feel and why you’re ending this relationship, you don’t need to use them, says couples therapist Sonjia Smith, LMFT. Sometimes you just need to say, “You have done this thing, and, because of that, I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore,” she notes. However you say it, the goal is to tell them exactly why you’re over it.
This might seem harsh, and you could think that being less honest is the nice thing to do, but that can lead to a lot of gray areas. “If the focus is on being nice as opposed to being direct, your message may not be received the way it's intended,” explains Rhodes. They might not take you seriously or they might be left thinking these issues are fixable, he says.
Try something like, “I feel ___ when ___, and I don't want that in a relationship,” Rhodes suggests. Or, “I don’t see us together long term because of X, Y, Z,” suggests Marcus.
Validate their feelings without emotionally supporting them.
Depending on how your relationship went down, seeing them upset over your breakup might make you want to be there for them—but that’s not great for either of you, says Marcus. You can’t really move on if you’re in a caretaker role, and they won’t be able to deal with emotions like grief when you’re around, she says. “Each person needs to take responsibility for their own feelings and reactions and soothe themselves.”
Instead, you can totally validate what they’re going through with something like, “This is really painful. I'm sad about it too, but I can’t be there for you,” says Marcus. Then, suggest people they can reach out to like a friend or even a therapist, she adds.
Write out reminders.
If you’re nervous about whether you’ll get your point across or stand your ground during a breakup, it might help to keep a list of reasons why you’ve made this decision, says Marcus. When you end a relationship, you can feel confused and guilty or you can second-guess yourself. So, having these reminders handy is a very visual way of staying focused on the point—aka breaking up, she says.
Have a breakup time limit.
Sometimes it’s hard to end a breakup conversation because you’re trying to be there for the other person (careful!) or you’re stuck in a cycle of hashing out old arguments (never helpful!), says Marcus. Whatever the cause, talking in circles or dragging out the conversation can sometimes suck you back in, she notes. Going into the convo with a time limit in mind can help you stay focused on expressing that you want to end things and telling the other person why that is, she suggests.
Don’t leave things open unless you mean it.
After a breakup, it’s common for people who were broken up with to make the positive changes their ex recommended, Marcus says. And if you’re open to giving it another go after they figure some things out, that’s fine. However! If you do not want to reconnect even if they level up, don’t throw out an ambiguous, “Maybe later in life things will work out…” You don’t want to promise them something you don’t mean, says Smith. When you do that, you’re being a dick to them and to yourself.
Consider your safety.
Obviously, breaking up with someone face-to-face is ideal. But because ending a relationship is a huge loss, “people aren’t necessarily going to respond as their most centered, calm, rational selves,” Marcus says. So, if you’re nervous about how your partner will react, especially if you’re concerned about your safety, you don’t have to do it in person, says Smith. You can also meet up in a public place and/or have a friend waiting nearby, she suggests.
Go no-contact if you can.
Again, a breakup can feel like a loss because…well…it is. Even if you stay friends (or friendly) in the future, the dynamic you once had with the other person is over. Both of you have to grieve that loss in order to move on. And, obviously, you can’t do that if you’re talking every day, says Marcus. Basically, your feelings about the breakup—sadness, anger, denial, acceptance—will ebb and flow, but it’s easier to process them without the other person, she says.
That’s why she suggests at least a month-long no-contact period. That means no texting or calling or any communication. You can also unfollow or mute them on social media since seeing them on your feed can get in the way of healing, Marcus says. It’s almost like if you have a broken foot and you walk on it too soon before it’s better. You need that time to heal, she notes.
Of course, if you live together, work together, or share kids or pets, you can’t always go no-contact, says Smith. In those cases, you can set rules around when you’ll communicate and what you can discuss, she suggests. Maybe that means one of you sleeps on the couch until you move out or you only speak about the logistics of daycare pickups and drop-offs. The most important thing is that you give each other as much space to grieve as possible.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
