02.16.23
How to Be Assertive Without Feeling Awkward About It
Speak! Your! Truth! (But, like, within reason.)
Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to speak up about an issue but worried that your message would be received or even delivered poorly? Haven’t we all? For a lot of us, feeling like we should know how to be more assertive by now is definitely a thing.
For instance, I had a roommate who did everything but clean up after themselves. I knew if I didn’t approach them to speak my piece, resentment would inevitably build, which would suck for both of us. But, despite knowing the consequences of staying silent, the idea of standing up for myself didn’t exactly come naturally—especially when it involved somebody I had to live with and see every day.
Although assertiveness is just, “the ability and skill of an individual to effectively and honestly express, advocate, and communicate their best interests,” it’s easy to feel like we’re being too much when attempting to be direct about our needs, says therapist Sonia Trefflich, LCSW.
Say you’ve been at your job for a year or two and have been consistently producing great work—excellent even—and you think it could be time to chat with your boss about a raise or promotion. But the idea of asking for what you’re worth might make you question if you’ll come off as entitled or out of line—even if you’re super confident in your efforts.
That’s because people often mistake being assertive with being aggressive or pushy or egotistical, but these are not the same. “I try to make a distinction between aggressive and assertive by understanding that assertiveness is getting an idea across,” says licensed psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD. “Aggression has a much more forceful intention. It’s more about winning the argument, dominance, or asserting one’s will on another.”
So, unless you jump in with something like, “Hey boss, I know your greedy self is holding out on me. It’s time for a 20 percent increase by next week or I’m outta here,” chances are you’re being assertive, not aggressive.
Why is it so hard to just be direct?
Well, turns out this is yet another thing to put on your list of stuff to thank ~society~ for. Widely held (and deeply unhelpful) beliefs about assertiveness being associated with bossiness, bullying, and anger have given it an overall bad rap, leading many of us to shy away from being upfront in an effort to avoid miscommunication or misperception, Trefflich points out. That’s especially true if you’re not straight, cis-gendered, or white.
“Society has implicit rules for how people of certain identities are ‘supposed to show up’ in their world,” says Dr. Wang. “People of color, women and femmes, and individuals from marginalized identities are often seen as too aggressive for behaviors that are normal for white, cisgender males,” she adds. “[These stereotypes are] often reflections of the overt or subtle racism, patriarchy, misogyny, and transphobia that exist within our world.”
Whether we’re navigating deeply rooted societal tropes, feeling guilty about placing ourselves first, worried about hurting the other person’s feelings or being disliked, there’s a multitude of reasons why being assertive can feel uncomfortable at first.
Still, speaking up for what we want is a necessary way to get your needs met—and it doesn’t mean you’re being bossy or rude. “[We should] remember that all of us have a right to take up space and to be treated justly and fairly,” says Trefflich. Plus, she continues, “others don’t have to understand, agree, or support our need to assert ourselves or set boundaries.” From gaining self-confidence and a sense of empowerment to identifying and honoring your feelings, asserting your values respectfully enables you to lead a much more empowered life.
Remember my old roommate I was telling you about? Well, even though I was nervous to kick off that conversation, talking it out helped us find a solution that worked for both of us. Ultimately, saying what I needed to say led to a more upfront and respectful relationship. Being assertive actually helped to sidestep any sort of passive-aggressive or aggressive-aggressive behavior.
So how can you overcome your fear of being assertive? Here, experts explain the habits you can use on the regular to make that skill come more naturally in the long run.
1. Be nicer to yourself.
Cultivating self-compassion can slowly boost your self-esteem over time, which will help you feel more confident in your ability to speak your mind, Trefflich suggests. “Praise yourself for the small and big efforts you take in your life,” she says. “If you make a mistake, fail, or fall short in some way, talk to yourself like you would your best friend,” she explains. This can help you remember that you’re, “an evolving individual who can flourish, learn, and improve your skills and abilities,” she says. You’re meeting yourself where you’re at, which can be a more realistic approach to building the confidence to stand up for yourself.
2. Practice saying what you think.
If you’re not used to having a say or speaking up, making it a habit can definitely help you get more comfortable doing so. “When your partner says, ‘What do you want for dinner?’ Do not say, ‘Whatever you want. I don’t care.’ Take a moment and really think about what you want or do not want,” says Dr. Wang. Of course, you may not always get your way, but just the act of giving your opinion is a win.
3. Get very, very familiar with your values.
When you don’t feel secure about the things that matter to you, it can be tough to say what’s on your mind. This is where getting more in touch with your values comes in. ICYMI, values are the things we find most important in life. It could be something specific like family or financial security, or broader concepts like truth and simplicity.
Figuring out what your values are can help you define the specific things in everyday life that are important to you, says Minaa B., LMSW, therapist and mental health educator. “Values help us identify what our non-negotiables are versus things we are simply willing to tolerate.” For example, knowing that financial security is super important to you can motivate you to negotiate a higher salary with the company that just offered you a job. After all, you’re not greedy, you’re just taking action that aligns with your values.
“This level of self-awareness can teach us how to say no to things that are against our values or things that make us uncomfortable,” says Minaa B. “It also gives us the tools to be direct regarding issues that need to be addressed.”
4. Speak fluent body language.
Body language is the non-verbal way we communicate with others, Trefflich explains. When asserting yourself, even if it’s just telling the barista that they got your coffee order wrong, stand up straight, face the person you’re communicating with, and maintain eye contact, no matter how awkward it may feel at first.
Though these adjustments seem small, they can make others take you more seriously even if you’re still nervous inside. “Body language is a form of communication,” says Minaa B. So making those tweaks can help drive home the point that you’re sure of your request and your decision to speak up.
5. Focus on your speech.
Finding a tone of voice that feels authentic yet assertive can be difficult if you’ve been conditioned to believe you’re being aggressive. However, it’s still a really effective way to show that you believe in what you’re saying and can encourage others to take you seriously.
So what counts as an authentic, straightforward tone? A lot of it comes down to keeping our tone level or deeper at the end of a statement, Trefflich says. “Talking slowly and taking deep breaths can also help when someone is nervous and doesn't want to end up fumbling over their words,” adds Minaa B.
Also, remember that the intention behind your tone matters too. As Dr. Wang explained, assertiveness is about getting your point across, while aggression is focused on dominating the other person.
With all of that in mind, Trefflich recommends practicing in front of a mirror or even recording yourself and watching it back to see how you do. If you’ve got some friends you trust, you can also ask them for feedback. Whatever strategy you use, remember that practice and time will make this feel a lot less weird. You got this!
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
