Stories Link Copied 02.22.24

13 Relationship Green Flags to Look Out For

Because searching for endless red can be kinda exhausting. ByIsabel Mata

Shutterstock/Wondermind

It seems like a lot of the dating discourse these days focuses on spotting signs a relationship is doomed. Always bringing up their ex? Red flag. Talking over you constantly? Red flag. Constantly looking for red flags? Another red flag. 

But what about the indicators that someone is actually emotionally available and ready for a relationship—with you, specifically? Spotting these positive signs is just as crucial, if not more, says clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, PhD. “If we really want to be intentional about finding and building healthy close relationships, we need to take the time to introspect, to check in with ourselves and realize the kinds of actions, gestures, and experiences [with this person] that make us feel seen, supported, and appreciated.” 

Noticing all the good things in a relationship, aka the green flags, is especially important. “Our brains are wired to pay attention to potential threats. And so it sometimes takes extra work to also notice these green flags in action,” Dr. Kirmayer explains. That could be especially true if you’ve encountered shitty people in the past or are prone to the ick. In that case, your noggin could be on an even higher alert, trying to protect you. But making time to look for the positive can give us confidence in a new relationship and help us appreciate the person and our connection to them. “This form of gratitude strengthens feelings of closeness," she adds. 

In the wild world of relationships, it can feel like everyone's got their own playbook. But here are a few therapist- and real people-backed green flags that say, “Hey this might really be something special.” 

1. You feel good when you’re around them. 

“The body has a hard time lying to us. Being around someone who creates psychological safety feels completely different from being with someone who triggers anxiety or overwhelm. I encourage people to pay attention to how their body reacts in the company of others. Ask yourself, 'What does it feel like when I’m with this person?' Does your body feel relaxed and calm in their presence? Do you feel like you could express yourself authentically without being judged? Asking, 'Do I truly feel secure in this relationship?' is like a simple litmus test for psychological safety.”  —licensed psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD

2. Talking about their friends, family, and exes isn’t a rude gossip fest. 

“Listen to how they talk about their friends, family, and exes. If it’s highly critical and negative, then you can expect that they’ll soon be talking about you in the same way. A green flag would be when they are able to see the good in others, talk with gratitude about the relationship they shared, and tell you about them in a way that shows they know them while respecting their boundaries and not disclosing private information. Hearing them talk about someone they’re close to [or were close to] gives you a glimpse of what they really think, as opposed to how they act in their presence. Again, you can expect those same rules would soon be applied to you.” —licensed clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD

3. They make you feel emotionally safe. 

“During the first year of our relationship, I cried all the time. But not in a bad way! I grew up incredibly emotionally repressed. Once I met my partner and felt so safe with him, the littlest things would open the floodgates. It was like 28 years worth of tears were all coming out at once. And he stayed with me every step of the way. Feeling that physical and emotional safety with another human showed me an entirely new way of living: thriving instead of just surviving.” —Jenna R., 30

4. Comments, questions, and concerns are met with understanding. 

“​​In the pursuit of truly reciprocal relationships, I look for a partner's ability to receive feedback. Without this receptiveness, conflict becomes ineffective, missing its purpose of deepening connections and mutual understanding in a relationship. If a partner is unreceptive to feedback, clashes may devolve into a game of deflection, where the focus shifts from addressing issues to assigning blame. Therefore, when addressing concerns with a partner, a key indicator is their non-defensive approach and a genuine desire to understand more. In a healthy dynamic, ego takes a backseat, allowing for constructive criticism without triggering defensiveness. This openness creates an environment where individuals can navigate conflicts productively, fostering a deeper understanding and connection in the relationship.” —licensed psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD

5. They listen rather than trying to fix everything. 

“My boyfriend always calms me down when I want to talk about something that is heavy by matching my energy with curiosity. When he does this, it makes me feel calm enough to express my concern because he isn’t freaking out. Instead, he asks thoughtful questions to understand how I am feeling without fixing or making it better. That makes me feel as though I can truly bring anything to his attention, even if it might be upsetting to talk about.” —Isa W., 23

6. Their friends stick around. 

“If someone you are dating has good friends and has been friends with them for a long time, that is most likely a sign that they can ride the highs and lows of relationships and can communicate with the people who are important to them. It's not necessarily a red flag if they don't have those kinds of friends; there's lots of reasons why they might not. But if they do, it can almost be like an endorsement that this is someone who is not going to run away the second things get a little bumpy.” —licensed marriage and family therapist Alo Johnston, LMFT

7. Your self-love doesn’t threaten them. 

"In a relationship, a partner's commitment to practicing self-care is the ultimate green flag. When my partner loves himself so fiercely, it's like having an example of how he wants to experience love. Surprisingly, it turns into this beautiful reciprocity—as he finds ways to fall deeply in love with himself, it becomes a celebration, not a threat, when he witnesses me doing the same. It's a shared journey of self-discovery and self-love, creating an environment where both individuals thrive." —Chidinma I., 36

8. They ask how you want to be helped.  

“When there’s a mismatch in the type of support provided and what is needed or asked for, it can lead to conflict, not to mention further heartache. Asking a partner how they want to be cared for is an often appreciated gesture that really elevates the experience of support.” —clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, PhD

9. They don’t just go along with whatever you think. 

“While we all like to be right, it can be a green flag when a partner disagrees with us and presents an opposing opinion without burning a bridge. A ‘yes-person’ could be fun for a while, but eventually, that gets old, and you’ll begin to wonder if they have any independent thoughts. How they deliver the ‘no’ is a skill that, if done well, is a green flag. Do they listen, understand your viewpoint, and then present their own with kindness and respect (as opposed to defensiveness and hostility)? This could be a sign that they have a strong sense of themselves that is not overly concerned with pleasing people and can deliver [their thoughts] in a healthy way.” —licensed clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD

10. They don’t assume the worst. 

"A relationship green flag is when someone approaches an unfamiliar situation with genuine curiosity. For instance, asking, 'Why didn't they text me back all day? Is everything alright?' shows they avoid jumping to conclusions or assuming malicious intent. Similarly, if you happen to show up with low energy, a positive sign is when your partner wants to know what's going on in your life. The key is seeing if they show a genuine interest, seeking details to better understand your actions and responses. Of course, it's crucial for this concern to be a two-way street in a healthy relationship." —licensed marriage and family therapist Alo Johnston, LMFT

11. They look out for you even when you’re not on the best terms. 

“I believe I am currently in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in because my boyfriend will always consider my needs when making a decision, even if it doesn’t directly impact me. Even when we are fighting, he finds ways to show me love. For example, if we are outside having an argument, one of us will offer the other our jacket or scarf to keep warm. We talk through every struggle because we mutually agree that we actually want to find a solution.” —Towers S., 25

12. They reflect and take accountability. 

“The ability to bounce back after experiencing friction is a major green flag in a healthy relationship. It’s important to be able to say, ‘OK I messed up,’ and then genuinely want to do better. We can’t move forward unless we are able to process what went down. It's like having a partner who's willing to ride out the emotional rollercoaster with you and then, when things calm down, circle back to talk it out. My therapist had this awesome saying: Never waste a good conflict. She meant that those tough moments are turning points in a relationship. If we don't just brush them off but instead dig in, understand what happened, and figure out how to improve, it's like relationship gold.” —licensed psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD

13. It feels easy. 

“I’ve been with my partner basically my entire adult life (honestly, not a brag). And the thing that I appreciate most about our relationship is that it feels so…chill. Sometimes we’ll have a dumb fight, but 90% of the time we’re just having fun together. It doesn’t feel like work, there’s not much drama to freak out about (except Bravo TV drama), and we just have a good time together. What I’m trying to say is that, in my experience, it’s OK if your relationship is boring. It might even be a good thing.” —Ashley O., 33

Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.