You’ve probably been there before—stuck in a conversation you never wanted to have with someone who just won’t let up. Maybe it’s your manipulative coworker stirring the pot of office drama. Maybe it’s your gaslighting ex trying to convince you that you’re a horrible parent. Or maybe it’s a narcissistic family member whose arrogant rants make you feel about one inch tall. Whatever the situation, you might feel the urge to defend yourself, explain your side, or defuse their emotions—all extremely human reactions. But what if your strategy was to do…none of that?
Enter the gray rock method, a simple but apparently powerful way to disengage from someone without fanning the flames of conflict. Whether you first heard it scrolling through TikTok, in a recent episode of Vanderpump Rules, or just now in this article, the gray rock (or grey rock) method is actually a therapist-approved tip—in certain situations, at least.
What is the gray rock method?
It’s pretty much what it sounds like—you become an unresponsive, disengaged, boring ol’ blob. “When you're gray rocking, you stick to the basics,” says Amelia Kelley, PhD, therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse. “You're not going to do anything that makes you interesting or engaging. You're not ignoring the other person, but you're not providing more information than is necessary in hopes that they’ll lose interest and shift their attention.”
Many attribute the term to an anonymous essay about dealing with narcissists that appeared on the website LoveFraud back in 2012. While it’s not exactly a therapeutic technique, the mental health professionals we spoke with do recognize it as a potentially effective way to navigate toxic interactions that you can’t just walk away from (like when you have to work or co-parent or spend holidays with this person). According to Dr. Kelley, you can use it in low-stakes situations—like cutting off your gossipy coworker’s watercooler chat supply—but she says it’s usually employed as a tool against “toxic or manipulative people who thrive on attention and disrespect healthy boundaries,” including narcissists and other emotional abusers.
If the gray rock imagery doesn’t do it for you, think of it this way: “It’s like playing dead in a game of cat and mouse,” says Vanessa M. Reiser, LCSW, therapist and author of Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapist’s Guide to Identifying, Escaping, and Healing from Toxic and Manipulative People. “The narcissist or the abuser is addicted to the supply of attention. If you starve them of it, they, by necessity, will go find someone else to toy with.”
Notably, the gray rock method isn’t anyone’s top choice for handling a toxic or abusive dynamic. Ideally, you wouldn’t have to deal with this person at all—but experts acknowledge that leaving is not always possible. “It’s not so simple to say, ‘I’m going no contact with you’ if you’re co-parenting a child or sitting next to each other at the office,” Reiser says.
So if, for whatever reason, you can’t or aren’t ready to cut this person out of your life, the gray rock method might help you manage interactions with less emotional fallout and avoid fueling further conflict. “It’s a strategy of harm reduction,” says Reiser.
How do you use the gray rock method?
According to Dr. Kelley, “you want to give someone as little ammunition as possible.” Leave feelings out of it, stick to the facts, and keep the goal of any given interaction in mind, whether it’s nailing down co-parenting logistics with a manipulative ex or defusing personal attacks from an abusive parent. As you might imagine, the specifics depend on your relationship dynamic and the other person’s tactics.
Regardless of the scenario, here are some other dos and don’ts to keep in mind:
Do text or email if possible.
When it comes to gray rocking your way through a toxic interaction, it might be easier to do if you aren’t face-to-face. Both Dr. Kelley and Reiser emphasized that it’s tougher to hold your boundaries and keep your cool IRL. In writing, you can be deliberate and measured, avoiding the risk of being caught off-guard or attacked in the moment. “You’re not there to receive their venom,” Dr. Kelley says. If you do have to communicate face-to-face, Reiser recommends practicing keeping your tone and expression neutral, and having a plan for self-care or co-regulation after the encounter.
Don’t take the bait.
“They're going to poke and prod and try to get a rise out of you however they can,” says Reiser. “They might exploit things you’re sensitive and vulnerable about to get a reaction.” While it can be tempting to defend yourself or strike back, try to recognize when they’re baiting you and get in the habit of pausing before you reply. If you can, do a quick grounding exercise or take a physical break from the conversion—whatever you need to limit the emotional reactivity that they want.
Do write scripts.
Keep a few benign statements on repeat that will be easy to remember and boring to hear. For example, if you’re gray rocking a gaslighter who frequently calls your memory into question, try a flat “I don’t see it that way” or “we recall that differently.” For someone who often derails your conversation or flips things on you, get in the habit of saying, “Let’s get back to discussing X.” Whatever’s applicable to your situation, write a few lines and keep them on rotation.
Don’t over-explain.
Using the gray rock method can feel counterintuitive, especially when you want to defend yourself or explain your side, but it’s crucial to stick to short, neutral responses. “Someone who’s abusive or manipulative speaks a different emotional language than you,” Dr. Kelley says. “They’re not capable of or interested in seeing things from your point of view, so when you try to defend yourself or explain, you’ll usually walk away feeling a whole lot worse.”
Do expect some pushback at first.
If someone disrespects your boundaries enough to need gray rocking, chances are they won’t like being gray rocked—and they’ll likely push back. You may notice an initial increase in their attempts to provoke you, Dr. Kelley warns, so be prepared for this and stay consistent with your neutral responses.
Don’t forget that other tools are available.
Gray rocking is just one strategy in a larger toolkit for managing toxic relationships. While it’s effective in limiting emotional engagement, it’s not always the best or only option. Depending on the situation, setting stronger boundaries, seeking external support, or even cutting contact entirely may be more appropriate.
“If you can remove yourself from the situation safely, that’s always the best course of action,” Reiser says. But short of that, combining gray rocking with these other strategies can help you manage day-to-day interactions and protect your energy in the long term.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
