09.23.24
3 Gaslighting Examples That Will Make You Say, “Ohh, I Get It Now!”
The intention to make you question everything is key.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard someone say, “Ugh, they’re totally gaslighting me” over the past few years. Many of us are guilty of throwing around self-proclaimed gaslighting examples that may not actually fit the bill in the eyes of experts. But, in our defense, gaslighting has become so ingrained in our cultural lexicon that Merriam-Webster named it the word of the year in 2022.
While growing awareness of any abusive tactic is a good thing, the term’s surge in popularity also kinda made it a catch-all for describing toxic behavior, says Robin Stern, PhD, licensed psychoanalyst and author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. From your bestie ranting about her ex over drinks to the explosive cast reunion of your favorite reality show, people started tossing around “gaslighting” to mean everything from lying and misleading to being dismissive and rude.
Here’s where it gets confusing: Gaslighting can involve all of the above. But there are a few key features that distinguish gaslighting from other types of emotional abuse or just plain shitty behavior.
So what is gaslighting?
An important hallmark of gaslighting is the intention behind the behavior. “Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation meant to confuse, disorient, or change your perspective for the gaslighter’s benefit,” says Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, licensed therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse. More specifically, someone might attempt to gaslight you to avoid taking responsibility, shift blame, exert control, change your behavior, cause pain, or any number of self-serving motives, according to Dr. Kelley. If you’re like, Huh? What does that look like? don’t worry, we’ve got some gaslighting examples coming up.
Gaslighting can happen in all sorts of relationships, whether romantic, platonic, familial, or professional, though Dr. Stern and Dr. Kelley both note that there’s usually a power imbalance at play. It might stem from authority, group dynamics, financial dependency, or even the desire to be liked or accepted.
Typically, gaslighting is part of a pattern, but it isn’t always. “Gaslighting is a learned behavior and can be a defensive strategy that we use to restabilize ourselves in the moment,” Dr. Stern says, meaning someone might use gaslighting tactics in a single interaction to dodge accountability or manipulate the situation to their advantage. One key to distinguishing between the occasional gaslighty dick move and malicious gaslighting is whether someone can engage in healthy communication when you push back, share your side, or call them out on their behavior. Are they open to your point of view and feelings…or do they double down and keep employing some of the techniques we’re about to highlight?
With all that in mind, let’s get to some gaslighting examples so you can see what we’re talking about in action.
Example #1: The boss that's rewriting history.
Picture this: You’re in a team meeting, and your manager presents an idea you pitched to them privately. When you professionally point out, “Uh, that was my idea,” they look at you like you’ve grown two heads. “What do you mean? I talked about this with Bob ages ago,” they say. At first, you brush it off as a coincidence, but it keeps happening. Your manager continues hoarding credit or negating your contributions with lines like, “I don’t remember that. Are you sure you didn’t share it with someone else?” or “We probably both came up with it separately. Great minds think alike!” Eventually, you start second-guessing yourself. Did I actually bring that up? Was that really my idea?
Gaslighting red flags: Your manager is either consistently forgetting your ideas (unlikely) or trying to get you to believe their version of events (or at least shut down yours). “Taking credit alone isn’t gaslighting, but if they deny it, rewrite history, or accuse you of misremembering—that’s classic gaslighting,” says Dr. Kelley.
When it’s not gaslighting: If your boss offers other lies or excuses like “Sorry, I forgot to credit you” or “It doesn’t matter who had the idea first, we’re a team.” That’s dismissive or poor management, but it’s less likely to be gaslighting since they aren’t challenging the fact that you previously shared this idea with them.
Example #2: The parent who makes you question your version of events.
Picture this: Let’s say you bring up a hurtful childhood memory with a parent or caregiver, like a time they yelled at you in front of your friends or scoffed at a challenge you were facing at school. Instead of acknowledging it, they say something like, “Oh, it wasn’t that bad—you were always so sensitive,” or “How can you possibly think I would do that? I only ever tried to help.” You try to get them to see your POV, but over time, their insistence makes you wonder if you really did make a big deal out of nothing.
Gaslighting red flags: Hello, bringing into question your own perception of reality. “The minimizing of overall emotions is a common tactic to make someone question their experience,” says Dr. Kelley. “When the parent or caregiver doubles down on their version of events enough, an adult child might start to question, Was it really that bad?"
When it’s not gaslighting: It may not fit the description of gaslighting if they’re simply refusing to take responsibility or engage with your emotions by saying things like, “There’s no reason to dwell on the past” or “I did the best I could—you’ll understand when you’re a parent.” Crappy, but not the same as trying to poke holes in your memory.
Example #3: The partner who makes you believe you're the problem.
Picture this: You’ve noticed a change in your partner’s behavior—maybe they’ve been busier than usual or stopped texting as frequently. When you bring it up with them to see what’s up, they turn it back around on you. They might say something like, “Why are you monitoring me like that?” or “It’s not that big of a deal. You’re so clingy.” This always seems to happen—you try to discuss their actions and somehow wind up defending yourself.
Gaslighting red flags: “The deflection of responsibility is a gold star tactic,” Dr. Stern says. “It’s characterized by changing the focus of the conversation to pivot and blame you or someone or something else.” Their aim, she says, is to sow seeds of doubt—they may or may not deny your version of events like in some of our other examples, but they are making you question your own reaction and culpability. Are you being too jealous or sensitive? Is their behavior totally fine? Are you the problem?
On the other hand: Experts wouldn’t call it gaslighting if the person is skirting responsibility or avoiding the issue without also trying to discombobulate you. If their response is more like, “I don’t have time to text,” or “This is just how I am,” you can still call it inconsiderate and flippant but it’s not quite gaslighting.
The bottom line
Even with the help of examples, it can be really tough to identify gaslighting when you’re on the receiving end of it—after all, the whole goal is to throw off your sense of what’s real. Both experts we spoke to highlighted the importance of gut-checking with the people around you.
“Seek out someone you trust and who knows you well to say, ‘Hey, I’m really not sure about this constant back and forth with X. It isn’t feeling right. What do you think?’” Dr. Stern suggests.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
