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11 Surprising Ways You Can Be a Much Better Friend

You’re not the worst, but couldn’t we all be better? BySam Brodsky

Shutterstock / Wondermind

Human connection of any kind gives us a sense of belonging, but friendship’s special. A lot of the time, these people know us on a deep level and let us get vulnerable in a way that really makes us feel supported and cared for, says clinical psychologist and friendship researcher Miriam Kirmayer, PhD. When it comes down to it, healthy, supportive companionships can help people combat and deal with struggles they may face, like anxiety, depression, and loneliness, she explains. 

Despite all the mental health benefits of friendship, maintaining those bonds can be hard. Life happens! So it’s not a bad idea to do a little audit every once in a while to make sure you’re really showing up for your people (which doesn’t always have to be a big thing!). If you’re not sure you’re hitting the mark, here are some great ways to be an even better friend. 

1. Have regular mental health check-ins. 

It’s easy to engage in surface-level conversations when you have tons going on or don’t feel like getting deep: The weather sure does suck. Did you catch the Met Gala?  This is all fine! Though taking the time to speak with a friend about how you’re both feeling—like, really feeling—can help them and  you express stuff you might be holding in.

Therapist Kedian Dixon, LMHC, LPC, does this with her own friends, even if it’s just a “What’s going on?” or “How are you feeling?” or “Do you need anything?” text. You can send that when you already know your friend’s having a difficult time or if they’ve been MIA from the group chat for a week. But you don’t have to wait for those moments. Go ahead and send it when they seem otherwise fine—you never know what people, even your people, are dealing with and if they have the right support.

Of course, if you start doing these check-ins and they're not in the mental space to talk, leave them be, says Dixon. That’s part of being a good friend too.

2. Plan friend dates.

One of the hardest parts of maintaining a friendship or making friends as an adult, is actually seeing each other. But putting time on your calendars to meet up for a date is a fantastic way to prioritize each other and actually connect, Dixon says. Whether that’s Netflix and literally chilling or grabbing dinner, treating your meetup like a date gives you space to truly be intentional about catching up.

3. Stick with them through life changes (if you can).

Yeah, what you and your friend do or how often you see each other will probably change if you’re single and child-free and they…aren’t anymore. But just because you don’t have as much in common as of late, doesn’t mean your bond is doomed, says Dixon. 

That’s a huge reason Rachel S., 30, loves her best friend, Britt. “Britt’s a mom of two, and it’s so meaningful that she can hold space for me as a person in a whole other season of her life,” she says. In the past, friends who’ve gotten married and had kids walked on eggshells around Rachel S., asking if she was sad she didn’t have a partner or kids every time they talked about theirs, she explains. “It's so validating that Britt’s never acted like I have a junior or pre-life life because I'm single.”

Aside from seeing each other when they can, Britt sometimes calls even if she’s driving somewhere with her kiddos, and this makes Rachel S. feel like she’s still on her friend’s mind. In return, Rachel S. says she’ll make sure to ask how Britt is doing with mom life and  life outside of being a parent.

If you’re in a similar situation, being open to making different types of plans with someone who’s transitioned into their new era is key, says Dixon. 

4. Be there for big moments. 

This may seem like a no-brainer, but being a friend means that you’re there for the other person to hype them up in good times or stand by their side when hard things (grief, breakups, depression) happen. Being there for important events is where it really counts, notes Dixon.

Case in point: Kendall F., 28, says that, before a recent surgery, a friend texted her to ask how she was feeling leading up to it, and that same friend sent flowers after. We love to see it. 

Also, an anonymous reader told Wondermind that one of her friends never fails to call to wish her a happy birthday, which happens to fall on New Year’s Eve…a very big night. “I made a comment about hating my birthday because everyone is too busy celebrating New Year’s to remember it or too hungover to want to celebrate it. So when she goes out of her way to try to make me feel important, it means everything to me.”

5. Surprise them with kindness.

It’s one thing to be there for someone when they ask you to—or when it’s pretty obvious they need you for support. But showing up for a friend virtually and IRL just because you’re thinking of them hits different since, again, you never know what someone’s going through, Dixon points out.

Enter: random acts of kindness. Nikki O., 33, says her sister, who is a wonderful friend to her, sends encouraging cards out of the blue. This means a lot to her because they’re unexpected and she appreciates the time it takes to write them out, she says. 

If cards aren’t your (or your friend’s) thing, you can even unexpectedly send your pal a nice text saying how much you appreciate them or ship them a care package filled with their favorite things, suggests Dixon. 

6. Actually listen.

We’ve all been there. You half-read someone’s novel of a text about their passive-aggressive boss and, since you don’t want to leave them on read but need to go about your day, you reply with a super quick, “Damn, that sucks!!!” 

Giving someone your full attention is hard to come by, so, as sad as it sounds, being generous with your time is a real treat, Dr. Kirmayer notes. Yes, this might mean waiting to respond to their text or calling them back when you get a few minutes.

When it comes time to listen, show them that you’re working to understand what they’re saying and that you support them, says Dr. Kirmayer. This might look like reflecting back what you’re hearing them say and asking if you’re getting it right, validating their feelings, and making eye contact or adding in some head nods if you’re in person or on FaceTime, she notes. 

You can also bring up details from past convos to show that you’re always  paying attention to what they say. Valerie E., 25, says that when she vents to one of her friends about a problem, they often reference similar issues Valerie E. faced before and how she got through them. “It's like she knows my life story better than I do,” she says.

7. When you don’t agree with their actions, validate their feelings. 

There's a difference between validating what someone’s feeling and cosigning how they’re acting, says Dr. Kirmayer. “Normalizing certain emotions or reactions doesn't necessarily mean that you are condoning the associated behaviors.”

So, instead of being inauthentic—or putting them down for how they’re coping with something—you can find one thing about their situation that you empathize with and validate that, Dr. Kirmayer suggests. 

Say your friend’s go-to coping mechanism after their divorce is opening a bottle of red a few nights a week. You can be like, “This split is messed up, and I can see why you’re so hurt.” Or, if you don’t get why they’re doing whatever they’re doing, you can ask more questions instead of telling them what they should or shouldn’t do, says Dr. Kirmayer.

8. Do a shared gratitude practice.

Paying more attention to the amazing things a friend does to support you and telling them about it makes them  feel like you value your friendship (which you do!), says Dr. Kirmayer. “It doesn’t matter what it is. If we go out of our way to share that, we feel closer to that friend and  they have a good sense of what they can do to better support us in the future—and vice versa.”

If they’re up for it, you can consistently send each other what you’re grateful for (aside from your friendship). That way, you can celebrate each other’s joy and feel close to each other while you’re doing it, notes Dr. Kirmayer. 

I.K., 38, says that she does this type of practice on an app called Gratitude Plus, where you can post what you’re grateful for and invite friends to do the same. It helps I.K. keep tabs on what’s going on with J, a friend who lives in a completely different time zone and country. She knows that J’s become a closeted BTS fan and her daughter’s learning to swim without goggles. “You may know someone, but when you see what people are grateful for on a daily basis, you really understand what makes them them,” I.K. explains.

9. Invite them places even if they’ve recently said no. 

We all know the feeling. But, if you’re on the other end of those “no”s, extending an invite despite your friend’s lack of attendance can let them know they’re still important to you, says Takuro M., 25.

As Wondermind's deputy editor Ashley Oerman previously pointed out, if the pandemic has taught us anything about friendship, it’s that our people (ideally) won’t stop inviting us because we said no. “[A]nother thing I learned during These Times is that the people who love you for the adorable homebody you are won’t go anywhere,” she wrote.    

10. Send memories to a friend.  

Like sharing gratitude with your friends, laughing (or crying!) over a shared memory together can help you feel close. Jourdan S., 38, says that, as a way to reconnect, she’ll send friends videos and photos that capture fun times she’s had with them. (It’s also super convenient that our iPhones will create little montages for us, she notes.) Or, if she passes their favorite restaurant or a place tied to a memorable experience they had, she’ll text them about it. “These gestures are small but meaningful ways I show my friends they are valued and remembered,” she says. 

11. Own up to your mistakes.

As much as you try to be a great friend, you’re bound to disappoint or hurt them at some point. That said, making it to the other side of conflict can help you feel closer to each other, Dr. Kirmayer. “When we can communicate about the difficult things in our friendship where someone has said or done something hurtful, that's communicating that this relationship is worth this discomfort, it's worth the vulnerability, it's worth the work,” she explains.

So, let yourself see those mess-ups as part of what makes you human, and take responsibility for what you’ve done, Dr. Kirmayer suggests. Own up to mistakes and flat-out apologize to validate your friend’s hurt. Then, keep on showing up as their pal. Because, Dr. Kirmayer says, choosing to stick it out is incredibly powerful.