03.11.24
5 Ways to Reach Out When You’re Feeling Lonely
JFYI: It's not needy to crave social interaction.
Have you ever stopped yourself from texting someone because you thought, Well, if they wanted to hang out with me, they would reach out! or something along those lines? Yeah, you’re definitely not alone—and that’s exactly how we wind up feeling disconnected and lonely. Turns out, a lot of us are sitting around waiting for other people to make the first move because we don't want to seem needy. “It's one of the greatest wishes I hear in my work—people want their friends to initiate more,” says clinical psychologist and friendship researcher Miriam Kirmayer, PhD.
Seriously—why is it so uniquely tough to just text “hi hang out with me pls?” when we’re craving some social interaction? “So often, our beliefs about burdening someone else can get in the way,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “We underestimate how much people actually appreciate us reaching out, and how willing they are to support us or spend time with us.”
In other words? Just because we feel needy doesn’t mean we seem needy. And keeping that in mind can make it a little less scary to reach out to that old coworker you keep meaning to catch up with or that casual pickleball acquaintance that you’re hoping to turn into a legit friend. That said, if the idea of sending a “What are you up to this weekend?” text still unleashes a wave of anxiety in you, we’ve got some tips for feeling a little less cringe about it. Just as long as you remember that a simple “Hey, I miss you! Wanna hang out?” won’t make you needy, either.
1. Invite them to something you’re doing anyway.
- “Hey! I’m taking advantage of the sun this weekend by reading in the park if you want to join.”
- “I’m gonna be running errands in your neck of the woods—you free for what will probably be a much-needed coffee break?”
- “Scored an extra ticket to a show this weekend! Was it you or Kate who’s the secret theater kid?”
Why it helps: Sometimes you might worry a person will feel obligated to accept an invitation even if they don’t really want to see you. (Reminder: That’s your anxiety/insecurity/mean brain talking.) When that’s blocking you, Dr. Kirmayer says a casual, low-risk invite like this can help take the pressure off. They can tag along if they want, but no big deal if they don’t.
2. Acknowledge what’s going on with them.
- “No pressure if you’re still super swamped, but I’d love to catch up next time you’re free!”
- “Hey! I’ve been missing our happy hours, but I know your hands have been full with the new puppy. We should find a new tradition that feels more doable!”
- “Congrats on the move! LMK when you’re settled in so I can hear all about it.”
Why it helps: “We often see bids for connection or seeking support as taking away from someone else's resources,” says Dr. Kirmayer, which means it’s easy to talk yourself out of hitting people up with thoughts like, Oh, Jess is way too busy to hang out. Recognizing what the other person has going on can ease that perceived “burden.” You’re also reinforcing to your brain that even if they can’t hang or don’t respond, it probably has nothing to do with you.
3. Turn it into a thoughtful act.
- “I know you’ve been dealing with a lot lately. I’d love to drop by with dinner sometime this week if that’d be helpful.”
- “Just noticed that movie you were pumped about is streaming—movie night?”
- “If you’re still on the lookout for new hiking trails, my coworker just suggested one nearby! We should check it out.”
Why it helps: A lot of people simply struggle with making things about themselves. “It can feel safer to make it less about your own desire or need for closeness, and more about how you’re thinking of the other person,” says Dr. Kirmayer. Plus, checking in with a specific and personalized invite is just more enticing than a generic, “Hey, wanna hang out?”
4. Or just be super transparent about your own needs.
- “OK, I realized I’m useless at keeping in touch unless I can put it on the calendar. Scheduling a regular thing would help me a ton—would you be down for a monthly phone call?”
- “Whew, i’m just now coming up for air after that huge project at work. Can you help reintroduce me to the land of the living?”
- “Hey you! I’ve been feeling lonely lately and would love to spend some time together. Can I see your face soon?”
Why it helps: It might seem counterintuitive if you struggle with making your needs known, but being clear on the motivation behind an invitation can actually increase buy-in from the other person, says Dr. Kirmayer. Think about it: Would you really leave someone on Read if they sent you one of these thoughtful messages? Plus, “this kind of self-disclosure can enhance relationship closeness in the long run,” she adds, which is a good goal to have in these disconnected times.
5. Don’t feel the need to attach an invite at all.
- “I’m back to swiping and I have one question: WHY IS DATING THE WORST??”
- “Omg, please tell me I’m not the only one knee-deep in Love Is Blind conspiracy theories.”
- “How did your interview go?”
Why it helps: Yes, face-to-face connection can be more effective for fighting loneliness, but that doesn’t mean touching base in smaller ways doesn’t help too. Memes, celebrity gossip, small thinking-of-yous—whatever feels less daunting or more natural can also work. “You want to be mindful of the frequency with which you're relying on digital communication,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “But texting can help to build confidence and comfort around communicating—not to mention it can be a springboard to other kinds of connection.”
Remember, practice makes…well, good enough.
“It’s really crucial to recognize that relationship-building skills are still skills,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “So the more you practice it, the more comfortable you become.” And chances are, the more you do it, the more concrete evidence you’ll get that people truly do enjoy hearing from you and hanging out with you, and that doesn’t actually make you needy.
“When we initiate, we're letting someone know that we’re open to connection,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “And if we can get in the habit of reaching out and asking for support, that ideally encourages the other person to do that with us. You can really kick off a positive cycle of increasing transparency and closeness.”
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
