09.26.24
16 People Share How Their Family Boundaries Finally Stuck
Please enjoy this dysfunctional family support group.
Even when family members mean well, they can drive you up a wall. Whether they feel entitled to your time, energy, or personal information, sometimes these interactions can be soul-sucking, disrespectful, or even abusive.
Setting boundaries, or creating standards of behavior that you uphold or ask others to (or both!), can help—even if your family has never heard of the concept (mine certainly hasn’t!). That’s because boundaries enable you to create positive changes to your dynamic and those alterations keep you from losing it every time you interact.
Without solid boundaries, repeat offenses can worsen your family relationships as resentment builds, says therapist Whitney Goodman, LMFT, founder of Calling Home, a virtual community for adults who want to improve their family relationships, and author of Toxic Positivity. “Relationships without any boundaries are often unsuccessful and lead to more fighting, distance, or even complete rupture of the relationship,” Goodman explains. “If we want to remain in a relationship with people long term, we need to set new limits and communicate what we will tolerate and what we will not.”
Think of boundaries as drawing a metaphorical line in the sand, says Goodman. You determine what you’re comfortable with. That could be how much time you spend with family, where you hang out, what you talk about (what you don’t), and how you do it (see: no yelling allowed).
If the idea of boundaries seems kind of harsh, that makes sense. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable to put your needs ahead of others’ expectations, especially if you’ve been doing the opposite since forever. That said, if you’re setting healthy boundaries, meaning they’re enforceable, reasonable, and clearly explained, you’re not doing anything wrong, says Goodman. Remember, whatever boundary you set, the goal is to keep yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally safe, she adds.
While the outcome can be transformational, setting boundaries with family is rarely easy—especially if they don’t believe in things like personal space. Same goes if you’re a chronic people pleaser. And since family dynamics are often loaded with expectations, triggers, and hierarchies, it can make setting new standards within these bonds more difficult than in other kinds of relationships, says Goodman.
But yes, it really is possible. If you stay true to your needs, honor your limits, prepare for a little bit of push back, and commit to healthier interactions, you can protect yourself and your relationships at the same time.
Here, we asked people what boundaries they set with their family and how that’s going. These tips are free for the taking!
1. Be kind and honest.
“After having a baby one month ago, I’ve had to set strong boundaries around how often my mom visits us in this postpartum period. While I could have stayed in people-pleasing mode, neglecting my own need for quiet solo time to appease my mom’s expectations would leave me feeling more emotionally exhausted. To set this boundary, I respond to my mom’s texts in a polite but straightforward way. I answer with, ‘I’m taking some quiet time with the baby before welcoming any visitors over. Let’s meet up in a few hours,’ or ‘I’m going to try to ride the day out alone, but if I need you, I’ll call.’ By setting structure and a time limit, I’ve been able to welcome my mom into this special time in a way that celebrates her place in our lives while honoring my sensitivities.” —Alex S., 31
2. Protect the time you spend together.
“My parents are alcoholics, and it’s been a problem forever. After I moved away, we really only saw each other for holidays, and those were frequently ruined by their behavior. I told them if they wanted me in their lives, they’d need to agree to some ground rules: They can’t drink around me or before seeing me. All of our calls are scheduled ahead of time (and they aren’t to drink before or during that either). The rules didn’t solve everything overnight, but our interactions are healthier and relatively normal. By sticking with these rules, I don’t dread seeing or speaking to them like I used to.” —Stephen M., 34
3. Create a time-based boundary, then circle back.
“When my sister and I were in our early 20s, we struggled with comparison. I resented that she earned triple what I did, and she was jealous of my day-to-day flexibility. When we realized that financial comparison was poisoning our previously close relationship, I asked if we could spend the next year not talking about money at all. I told her that this topic was too sensitive for me right now to be a good listener. Though it wasn’t easy, sticking to that boundary helped us stay close. We’re not through the full year, but I plan to see how I feel once we hit that milestone.” —Grace S., 26
4. Set boundaries with yourself.
“My family doesn't have great communication skills. When they’re upset, my parents often give us the silent treatment, which feels terrible. So, I’ve set boundaries within myself to help me deal with the chaotic energy I feel around them. One of those boundaries is limiting visits to three or four days when I go home. Any more than that, and I’m on the verge of a breakdown. I also asked my mom to stop venting to me about the drama between her and my dad. It’s not fair for me to be in the middle of their marital issues. It just stresses me out.” —McKenna K., 30
5. Create guardrails for your conversations.
“I don’t talk about my dating life with my family. When I did that in the past, my mom would ask me about it too often, which stressed me out. So I straight-up told my parents that I don’t want to talk to them about my relationships, and they honor that.” —Calli M, 30
6. Go no contact.
“Ultimately, I believe part of loving someone is protecting yourself and them from harm through healthy boundaries. My boundaries are about safety. I love my family, but I also know what I can and can’t trust them with. For example, I decided not to have any contact with one of my family members who is abusive. In other cases, I make space for my family to earn back my trust through action. When that happens, the boundaries can be adjusted.” —Sandy S., 45
7. Set your own time limits.
“I can only handle being around my parents and other difficult relatives for a limited amount of time, so I don’t offer up all of my free time to them. Even if I do have an open weekend, I’ll tell them I have plans if they’re asking for more than I can give. Basically, they have a limited version of my schedule.” —Sherissa V., 41
8. Don’t put up with yelling.
“The boundaries I've set with my parents are mainly around topics of conversation (cough, political talk, cough). That’s because any time we talk about a divisive topic that doesn’t align with their worldview, they deflect, escalate, and blame. So, in addition to avoiding those subjects, I’ll say, ‘If you raise your voice when you hear a perspective you don't agree with, I’ll exit the conversation.’ While we aren’t a family who feels like best friends, talking to each other every day, we don't argue much anymore. The tension is more easily diffused, which allows us to spend time together without the drama.” —Glenn S., 34
9. Keep enforcing your limits.
“I don’t allow my mom to bring up my appearance anymore (specifically my weight, body, or hair). Whenever she makes a comment about looking too skinny, I say, ‘No, no, let’s not talk about my body.’ It’s kind of like I had to train her to not immediately start commenting on my appearance. If she brings it up, I remind her I don’t want to talk about my appearance and immediately change the subject to work or my friends.” —Priscilla C., 30
10. Have stressful convos on your terms.
“One of the things that’s helped my relationship with my mom is ending a conversation if she’s not listening to me. Also, if we have to talk about something that might be triggering, like money, we set a specific time and place to talk about it. That way, I know what to expect and anticipate it.” —Anonymous, 30
11. Do things the way you want.
“The majority of the boundaries we set are about the way we raise our children. My in-laws often felt entitled to tell us how to raise our kids. At the same time, I’ve always felt like being a mother is my most important job, and I only have one chance to do it right. Once my husband and I set boundaries with how much say his mom and dad should have in our parenting decisions, it was comforting. We’ve made it clear to each other and outsiders that we will always prioritize each other’s feelings over everyone else’s.” —Amanda M., 33
12. Go ahead and repeat yourself.
“Setting boundaries with my dad’s side of the family went very smoothly. Though it took me a few times to explain my circumstances and repeat why certain interactions weren’t healthy for me, I tried to approach them as gentle reminders. My advice for anyone trying to set boundaries with family is to do it in a private one-on-one moment, if you can. When you do, express how certain behaviors or habits affect your life without blaming them. Keeping it short and simple helps avoid opening another can of worms (if that’s not what you’re trying to do).” —Michael, 42
13. Be honest about why you need these limits.
“My mom and I have always been close, but sometimes she can act entitled to information about my life or my whereabouts. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for her to call multiple times in a row to ask where I was (and this was while I was in my 30s). It got to a point where I had to be honest with her. Here’s how I set my boundaries: I told her that I appreciate her concern and I know how much she cares about me, but as an adult I don’t need her to check on me so often. She was defensive, but I calmly responded by explaining why I needed her to stop these behaviors. Eventually, I did get through to her.
This month, I’m moving back home as I manage some financial issues, and we’ve started discussing my boundaries again. She understands that these boundaries are meant to keep me calm and give me some space—not because I have a problem with her. Now, she has actually set some boundaries with me, which means she really understands the benefits.” —Dominique S.,35
14. Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
“After I rejected my strict religious upbringing and decided to live my life outside of that structure, I started setting boundaries with my family members who still adhere to it. In order to enforce those guidelines, I had to be firm, consistent, and willing to endure long gaps of time when we didn’t interact. It wasn’t easy. But eventually my religious family members got to a place where we can have a loving relationship. Despite our differences, we’re able to have beautiful honest exchanges. Our relationships aren’t perfect but they are real and now my children and parents are able to be close” —Sonia F., 50
15. Set up a boundary support system.
"After I went no contact with some of my family, I had to work hard to keep those boundaries in place. I started by building a stronger connection with one of my siblings who understood where I was coming from. I also established financial independence, so that accepting money didn’t open the door to future emotional abuse from them. Plus, I sought therapy, which helped me learn to live my life separately.” —Jay P., 37
16. Give yourself permission to prioritize.
“After years of being available 24/7 to care for members of my family, my health started to deteriorate. I developed a chronic illness, and I had no choice but to put myself first in order to get my health back on track. It wasn’t easy though. Some of my family was frustrated with me, but I knew I had to do this. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to help them anyway. After I explained this to my family, it took months of difficult conversations for them to understand. Eventually, they got it. Now, my family sees how much these boundaries have improved my health and my mood. They also see how taking time for myself increased my ability to be there for them. Today, I have an even better relationship with my family and myself.” —Kristin R., 43
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
