08.01.24
WTF Is Ethical Non-Monogamy, and Is It Right For You?
Plus, how to give it a shot if you’re interested.
Ethical non-monogamy isn’t a new concept, but lots of us are out here discovering it for the first time. Maybe you spotted “ENM” on Tinder profiles or searched “ENM meaning” after catching a TikTok (or 20) about it. However you came across ethical non-monogamy, the relationship style is getting more attention lately.
Like the name implies, ENM is not monogamy. People who practice ENM aren’t interested in an exclusive one-on-one relationship, but rather the freedom to be involved with multiple people. And this dynamic can take many different forms.
Truth is, we all have different needs and desires in our relationships, and, for some people, those aren’t always fulfilled within the constraints of traditional monogamy, says therapist and researcher Heath Schechinger, PhD, co-founder of the Modern Family Institute and co-chair of the American Psychological Association’s (APA) Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy.
If that’s the case for you and monogamy doesn’t feel like it fits your vibe, ENM might take the pressure off relationships, says therapist Michael Grey, PsyD, LMFT. But, as the E for “ethical” in this acronym implies, ENM isn’t the same as just waking up and deciding to step outside your relationship, and it’s not the same as casually going on dates with multiple people until you choose to become exclusive with one.
If you’re confused/curious, that’s OK! We tapped mental health professionals specializing in these relationships to explain more about what ENM is, how to tell if it’s right for you, and what to do next if it seems like a fit.
What is ENM?
Ethical non-monogamy, also called consensual non-monogamy, is a type of relationship where you’re free to be involved with more than one person at a time. Those bonds can be sexual, romantic, or both.
The reason it’s called ethical or consensual non-monogamy is because everyone involved agrees to this dynamic. (Though some who follow those same rules just call it being “non-monogamous,” notes Dr. Schechinger.) That ethical part is what makes non-monogamy different from straight-up cheating, says Dr. Grey.
ENM can also be part of a person’s identity, like their sexuality or gender, Dr. Schechinger says. “For these individuals, non-monogamy is a core aspect of who they are, influencing how they form relationships and experience love and connection,” he explains. For instance, you might see “ENM” in someone’s bio on a dating app, because even if they aren’t necessarily in a relationship right now, they’re aware of and communicating the fact that they’re only interested in ENM set-ups in the future.
While ENM broadly defines a type of relationship with more than one partner, there are specific kinds of relationship structures that fall within that category.
One of those is polyamory, which means being involved in more than one romantic relationship at a time. Sometimes that looks like one person with multiple romantic partners, two people in a couple who have their own separate partners, or multiple people who are all dating each other, says Dr. Grey. People in polyamorous relationships can be exclusive with each other or open to new romantic or sexual relationships, he says.
Another type of ethical non-monogamy is an open relationship. Though the definition varies, the APA’s Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy defines it as two partners who can have sexual relationships with people outside their primary relationship.
Then, there’s being monogamish. This means two people are monogamous except for specific (agreed upon) times they open up their relationship to have sex with others, explains Dr. Grey.
Again, just as a reminder, the crucial part of an ENM relationship is that everyone agrees on how it goes down.
How do I know if ENM is right for me?
The biggest thing to consider is whether monogamy feels limiting or unnatural to you. Say you’re always ruminating over unmet needs, like more quality time together or more intimacy, regardless of who you’re with. Sure, you could lower your expectations. But opening up your relationship can also take the pressure off of one person to solve *all the things*, says psychologist Amy Moors, PhD, who researches non-monogamy and is the other co-chair of the APA’s Division 44 Committee on Consensual Non-Monogamy.
Since there are more people in the dynamic to chip in emotionally or sexually (or both), people in ENM relationships may feel less resentful, frustrated, and/or anxious in their partnerships, says Dr. Moors. If one of those frustrations is the ability to explore your sexuality, ENM could provide more freedom there too, she notes.
Of course, you might just feel restricted by the idea of being with one person for the foreseeable future. “Many people feel that they have the capacity to love more than one person,” says Dr. Schechinger. So, engaging in an ENM relationship might feel more authentic to you, he adds.
But there are some other big considerations to take into account before diving into ENM. For instance, just because it might seem easier or more fulfilling for you to have more partners, are you cool with your partner having that same freedom? If you’re someone who struggles with things like jealousy, boundaries, or trust issues, those are still important (if not even more important) to address in an ENM relationship. And you’ll want to consider the potential for stigma or judgment surrounding your relationships, since society still deems this arrangement “non-normative,” notes Dr. Moors, who’s seen this in her own research.
To learn more about ENM and why others like it, you can read up on non-monogamy and talk to people in those relationships. Dr. Grey recommends books like Polysecure, With Sprinkles on Top, and The Polyamorists Next Door.
If you don’t know anyone in the ENM community, Dr. Moors suggests connecting with people on social pages like @pursuitofpoly, @unapolygetically, @bygabriellesmith and nonprofits like the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy.
How to pursue ENM.
If you’re currently in a monogamous relationship and you’re interested in ENM, the first step is talking to your partner about it. Obviously, this would be a big shift in your dynamic, so it could be worth working with a couples counselor to broach the topic, says Dr. Grey. Ultimately, if your partner is not into it, you’ll have to decide whether ending the relationship makes sense, he says.
If you’re single, dipping your toe into ENM might look like putting “ENM” on your dating profile or only talking to people who have it in theirs. Dr. Grey suggests using ENM dating apps or bringing up your ENM status on dates right away. You want to weed out people who aren’t interested in that type of relationship so you’re setting yourself up for success and not wasting anyone’s time, he says.
Whether you’re going into this single or attached, the next move is to set ground rules, defining what ENM means for you and your partner(s). That will help safeguard everyone’s emotions, including yours, says Dr. Grey.
To set those boundaries, think about what would make you and your partner(s) feel most comfortable and less anxious, Dr. Grey suggests. Maybe you agree that you won’t bring people back to the house you share, or you decide you don't want to hear details about dates or sex. Maybe you only date people who have been in ENM relationships before.
Once you’re in a non-monogamous relationship, check in with yourself at least once a week to keep tabs on how you’re feeling, Dr. Grey notes. You can ask, Am I happy in this relationship? Have I been feeling jealous? Do I need to make changes to the ground rules I set up? Then, make sure you’re communicating with the other people in your dynamic about what’s working for you and what’s not, as well as whenever jealousy or loneliness crops up, Dr. Grey suggests.
During those conversations, it can be helpful to use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory, says Dr. Schechinger. You can say, “I feel jealous when…” or, “I feel hurt when…” instead of, “you made me super jealous,” or, “you hurt me when _____.” During those convos, make an effort to validate the emotions (like jealousy) that come up to help whoever’s involved feel heard, he says.
Even with ground rules and check-ins, participating in an unfamiliar relationship structure for the first time can be scary and overwhelming, says Dr. Grey. To lower the stakes, you can ease in with a trial period, he suggests. Taking a month or two to test out how it feels without going all in might make you feel more comfortable.
As you’re figuring things out, getting in-person or online support from other non-monogamous people can help you troubleshoot concerns, says Dr. Schechinger. (Dr. Grey recommends this ethical non-monogamy Facebook group, and Dr. Schechinger recommends the r/polyamory Reddit community.) Support from people in the ENM community or from therapists who work with non-monogamous dynamics can also help you deal when issues come up.
Of course, ENM isn’t for everyone and it won’t necessarily make it easier to be romantically or sexually involved with others. All relationships require open communication, boundaries, and active listening—especially when they involve more than two people. But as long as you’re living in line with your values, who says there has to be just one way to have a relationship?
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
