Explainer Link Copied 04.19.24

Here’s Exactly How Your Birth Order Impacts Your Mental Health

It's not just the eldest daughters out here struggling. ByElizabeth Gulino

Shutterstock / Wondermind

You’ve probably seen the influx of internet memes, videos, Tweets, and news coverage about how being the eldest daughter is basically a thankless job you did not apply for. Or maybe you’ve heard the bit about middle child syndrome or even how being the forever baby of the family has made you, well, a baby forever. 

Memes aside, these are not lies. Birth order is one of those undeniable, unchangeable things that you’re quite literally born into, much like who your parents are, where you were raised, and how much money your family had.

Like those other parts of your identity you didn’t ask for, the people ahead or behind you in the line of succession can affect how you deal with conflict, interact with others, and even see yourself. So the stakes are not not high. In her practice, therapist and social worker Crystal Britt, LCSW, says she’s even considered changing her intake forms to include birth order just because there are certain ways birth order can impact how we understand and see ourselves—like eldest daughter syndrome, for example.

But birth order’s intersection with mental health isn’t a new idea. Back in the early 1900s, physician and psychotherapist Alfred Adler, MD, developed a theory that your place among your siblings can inform your psychological development. While the research on this varies a lot, mental health pros generally agree it’s the way your caregivers and siblings treat you based on your birth order that can leave a lasting impact. Basically, how well a kid fits into their family structure depends on the extent that they’re allowed to be themselves, says Britt. “Birth order can impact that,” she adds.

It makes sense: If your parents place more responsibility on you just because you’re the oldest, or if your siblings treat you like a baby just because you’re the youngest, then there’s an opportunity for those experiences to affect your mental health. 

Of course, it’s important to remember that the traits associated with your specific position in the family aren’t set in stone, and there is no birth placement that makes you more likely to experience mental health conditions, explains therapist Meri Wallace, LCSW, author of Birth Order Blues. 

That said! Here are some of the most common mental struggles that come with your particular position in line for the throne and what you can do about it.

You’re the oldest.

OK, let’s address the eldest boy and eldest daughter of it all. As the first born, you’re more likely to take on roles or responsibilities that are not normal for kids, or what therapists call “parentifying,” explains Britt. You might feel like you need to (or are encouraged to) manage everybody’s feelings or become hyper aware of your parents’ emotions and their reactions.

If that’s the case for you, you might have trouble setting boundaries with others, which can impact the health of your relationships as an adult, says Britt. It might also keep you from being your ~authentic self~, which is an important part of living your best life and avoiding people-pleasing pitfalls, she adds.

Whether you tried to keep everyone in your house happy or not, you might also have felt like your parents expected more out of you (and still do), which can be stressful, explains Wallace. Your gender can also play a role in the expectations your family (or your culture or society in general) sets for you as the oldest, says Britt. If you’re an oldest girl, that might mean taking care of or even co-parenting your siblings. For oldest boys, you might be expected to be the “man of the house” before you’re legally an adult. Whatever the case, “those expectations, even if they’re family traditions, don't consider the person's needs, which is the most important part of managing mental health.”

Plus, if you feel like you’re not meeting your parents’ standards, your self-esteem could take a hit, Wallace adds. Because of this, in her experience, she’s found that a lot of first borns are very, very anxious.

You’re in the middle.

Despite what you’ve heard, being the middle child might set you up for serious emotional and mental success. Because you’re stuck between the first and the last, you might miss out on the kind of parental attention and care your other siblings get, says child, family, and couples psychotherapist Fran Walfish, PsyD. Which could be a good or bad thing!

That might inspire you to become an attention seeker. It could also prompt you to become more resilient and self-reliant and to develop better coping skills than your siblings, she explains. You’ve also likely learned to accommodate your parents and siblings, which could help you develop mediation skills, Dr. Walfish adds. 

So, while middle children often get the worst rap, that’s usually more of a stereotype than reality, says Dr. Walfish. “In some cases they're the black sheep, but I find that more the exception than the rule,” she explains.

You’re the youngest.

By the time you become the baby of the fam, your parents have already been taking care of at least one child for a minute, meaning they may have improved their parenting skills along the way. Yay for you! Plus, last-born children also have the opportunity to develop emotional and social skills by interacting with their older siblings. That can translate to a more advanced emotional intelligence as you age.

That said, as you get older, you might experience the same kind of high expectation issues as the eldest children among us. In addition to feeling the pressure to meet those standards, you might also feel like no one takes your accomplishments seriously, says Wallace. Part of that is because the youngest often gets compared to the older siblings, which can make you wonder if you’ll ever be good enough. 

Finally, when you’re the youngest, there are more people older than you willing to lend a hand as you're growing up, explains Wallace. That’s especially true if you’re a lot younger, like seven years or more, says Dr. Walfish. While that’s kind of awesome as a kid who needs help getting things done, it can make it harder to become an independent adult later in life.

If you’ve got a big age gap between you and the sibs, that can also make it harder for your fam (and yourself) to see you as a grown up, even when you’re like 32. In those cases, it’s possible “that child never really becomes fully independent, and a certain immaturity can remain,” says Dr. Walfish. Alas.

You’re an only child. 

According to Britt, as an only child, you may experience an amalgamation of all birth order roles into one. Fun! “It can be really difficult for only children to be [in] the spotlight and under the microscope of their parents' expectations, hopes, and dreams,” she explains.

Technically, only children often face issues similar to the oldest kids. But because you don’t have another sibling to interact with, it could be a little more challenging for you to develop communication skills. “An only child tends to be with adults a lot, just like a first born,” Wallace says. Sometimes, that can be lonely.

Still, as an only, you might internalize your parents’ love in a way that boosts your confidence and self-esteem. That’s awesome, but it can also set you up to be a little more challenged by oppositional viewpoints, says Dr. Walfish. When parents don’t oppose your ideas, you might struggle to compromise later in life, she adds. 

You’re a twin (or triplet, etc.)

If this is your situation, you basically have “a person who is exactly the same age as you who had the same set of parents at the same stage of life,” Britt says. That could boost your social skills and make you feel less alone, which are great things. 

But if your parents compare the two of you or favor one of you over the other, that puts your psychological health at risk, adds Britt. If that’s the case, you could feel like you’ll never live up to the other or like you have to compete for attention and love from your parents. 

That said, if you feel like you can separate yourself from your sibling by developing your own identity and sense of self, you can overcome all that. It’s not easy when you’re constantly lumped with another sibling, but it’s possible. 

Now what?

While all of your childhood-based struggles are uniquely yours—even when it comes to birth order—we can all use a similar template to re-calibrate for the better.

The first step is accepting how you were raised. When you’re ready, take a minute to think or journal about the challenges you faced growing up and how they made you who you are—for better or for worse. Talking to someone about all this (whether that’s a friend, family member, or therapist) can help you heal too. “Once you hear your own voice say it out loud, it becomes reality,” says Dr. Walfish. 

When you’ve gotten to a place of acceptance (which can take a while, tbh) and you’ve decided that you don’t love the way those past experiences impact you now, you can figure out the best way to move forward. 

Start by taking accountability for the things you have control over. For example, maybe being the eldest daughter did put a major burden on you growing up. But you don’t have to keep accommodating your parents’ or siblings’ feelings if it’s getting in the way of you being your full self. You can set boundaries that protect those relationships while also looking out for your best interests. You’ve got your own back now.