Stories Link Copied 08.20.24

5 Things Not to Say to Someone In Eating Disorder Recovery

Some compliments really don't hit the way you think they will. ByNurse Sydney

Shutterstock / Wondermind

After struggling for years with disordered eating and anxiety, I was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder at 16 years old. It wasn’t something I talked about, but despite keeping my diagnosis to myself, I couldn’t seem to avoid comments about my body and my eating habits from the people around me. And, I get it, food is an essential part of our existence and a frequent topic of conversation. We also happen to live in a society that spends a lot of time commenting on people’s bodies.

But, when I reflect on my eating disorder recovery, I can recall the helpful, kind words as well as the not-so-helpful (and sometimes even harmful) comments. Even when these comments are well-intentioned, they can negatively impact someone trying to heal their relationship with food and their bodies. 

Of course, everyone's experience with eating disorders is different, and what might be helpful to one person can actually be harmful to another. So, if you’re wondering how to be there for someone in your life who has struggled or is struggling with an eating disorder, the best first step is checking in with them. In the meantime, here are a few things I wouldn’t suggest saying to someone in eating disorder recovery, plus what to say instead. 

1. "I wish I could be as strict as you are with my diet.” 

Throughout my eating disorder recovery, so many of my friends and family commented on how much they envied my ability to be so strict with my eating habits. As diet culture and striving for a specific body type has become so normalized in our society, comments like this are usually meant as a compliment. But the only thing this is actually complimenting is the eating disorder. Statements like this allow it to continue to grow and grasp on even tighter. It gives the eating disorder permission to continue as it becomes something that other people envy. 

What my friends and family didn’t realize was that my diet was the only thing I could think about. It took over my life entirely, to the point where I couldn’t even maintain my presence at school or show up to social gatherings. Having an eating disorder is not an act of willpower or self-control—it is in fact the complete opposite and a very dangerous path for someone to envy. 

Instead, compliment someone for things unrelated to appearance—like their sense of style, their laugh, or the way they make you feel. And, in general, just go ahead and steer clear of comments about anyone’s eating habits (even if they don’t have a history of disordered eating). Instead, talk about somewhere you would like to go to lunch together or a new recipe you’ve been meaning to try, without the focus on diet culture or restriction. 

2. “But you don’t look like you have/had an eating disorder…”

A comment like this one usually comes from a good place, like they’re trying to say, “But you don’t look sick!” What many people don’t understand is that eating disorders don’t have one specific “look” or body type. For starters, there are several different types of eating disorders, so the range of signs and symptoms will depend on which type you’re dealing with. That said, it’s also possible for an eating disorder to be completely invisible to the people around you. I struggled for years with my eating disorder before showing signs and symptoms that made me “sick enough” for even health care professionals to take me seriously and to qualify for hospitalization. 

Commenting on someone’s appearance is rarely ever helpful—especially for those in eating disorder recovery—as it can amplify someone’s focus on their body or what they want to change about it. If your intention is to express that you had no idea they were navigating an eating disorder, try leaning into empathy instead, like: “I didn’t realize you were dealing with all of this. Is there anything I can do to help?” 

3. “Why can’t you just eat?”

Oh how I wish it was this simple. And if it was that simple, anorexia nervosa wouldn’t have one of the highest mortality rates of all mental health conditions. Having an eating disorder is far more complex than simply “just eating.” It involves hunger cues, your history with food, how you grew up eating, your current relationship with food, and even your mental state. A statement like this can be very invalidating to someone in eating disorder recovery because it makes them feel as if they are incapable of doing even the simplest thing—like eating.

If you notice your loved one struggling to eat, instead of commenting on how simple it is to “just eat,” sit down with them and offer your support through demonstration. Something I found very helpful was watching my friends and family eat with me. Being able to visualize how everyone around me was able to eat the meal helped my brain to recognize that it was going to be OK. Sometimes the best thing to say in situations like this is nothing at all. Simply being there for your loved one can speak volumes, especially while demonstrating a healthy relationship with food. 

4. “Why aren’t you hungry?”

Hunger cues are something that you become very aware of in eating disorder recovery. They take time to build and understand, especially if you’ve been ignoring them for some time. I always felt guilty for not being hungry when someone pointed it out. I wanted to be hungry—I really did! But years of restriction and other eating disorder behaviors confused my body and my hunger cues. Throughout most of my eating disorder recovery, I had to eat even though I was not hungry at all. So, when someone asked why I wasn’t hungry, it was difficult to explain and usually led to embarrassment, envy, and an intense desire to feel the hunger cues that other people seemed to have. 

Even though comments like this might just come from a place of curiosity, they point out how different someone with an eating disorder is and how far they still have to work. For me, it can set off a spiral of anxious thoughts, like: Should I be hungry? Did I eat too much at breakfast? Maybe I shouldn’t eat as much at my next meal… 

So, the next time you’re trying to plan when to eat with a friend, keep the conversation on you and your own hunger cues instead of questioning theirs (for instance, “I’m starting to get hungry so I’m going to find somewhere to get lunch. Do you want to come?”). Neutral comments around eating like this can actually provide a healthy example of a typical eating pattern, which may ultimately help someone in eating disorder recovery to visualize where they need to be. 

5. Literally any nutrition advice. 

Unsolicited nutrition advice is very common in our society, especially with the mountain of information available to us online. But even when you have the best intentions, comments like these can be very triggering to someone in eating disorder recovery. 

For starters, there’s no one dietary plan that works for everyone, so unless you are a registered dietitian and this is your client, it’s best to keep your advice to yourself. Even a casual comment about needing to avoid gluten or prioritize protein can be triggering for people with a history of disordered eating, since any food rules or restrictions can be a slippery slope for us. These discussions of dietary rules can trick us into thinking we might need to change our diet again, and that can lead us down a dangerous path of restriction and ultimately relapse. 

So, leave the nutrition suggestions up to their health care providers and no one else. Even if a particular diet gives you more energy or less bloat, be mindful that every body is different, and some people are more triggered by food discussions than others. And if someone in eating disorder recovery is opening up to you about their physical or mental struggles, it’s best to guide them to follow up with their health care providers instead of telling them about the latest nutrition advice you saw on social media.