09.11.24
10 Things Couples Counselors Want You to Know
Surprise! Your partner probably isn’t gaslighting you.
Relationships (like people) can be messy and complicated. Since you’re here, you probably relate at least a little. Maybe you and your S.O. can’t agree on a big decision (read: kids, moving, life responsibilities) or you’re bickering about the same three things over and over. As you may have guessed, couples counseling, aka couples therapy, can be super helpful for all of that and almost any issue within your partnership—even if that problem feels relatively minor.
"The number one misconception is that couples counseling is only for struggling relationships,” says clinical psychologist and couples therapist Erika Bach, PsyD. More and more, people are coming in when there isn't an issue. That’s especially true when a milestone approaches, like getting engaged, having a kid, or a significant anniversary, says Dr. Bach.
Of course, whatever brings them in, the goal is to help people in any romantic relationship work on their communication skills, feel connected, and manage conflict more effectively, says couples therapist and clinical psychologist Isabelle Morley, PsyD.
Whether you’re intimidated by couples counseling or just curious about it, we asked couples counselors what they wish people knew about seeking relationship help from a pro. Plus, find out what they want everyone to know about navigating conflicts in relationships.
1. Couples counseling is about how you show up in relationships.
Yes, the goal here is to improve your relationships with better communication and understanding and problem-solving skills. But that requires recognizing areas where you can improve, says Dr. Morley. That might look like learning to deal with your emotions on your own or changing the way you speak to your partner when you’re upset, she adds. That work also needs to happen regardless of whether your partner is improving or changing.
Over time, if you see that the other person isn’t doing the work, you can decide if that’s a relationship you can stay in or not, Dr. Morley explains. Sometimes we do learn to accept our partners for who they are—even if we wish they were different, she says.
2. Couples therapy can help you break up—or not.
If your partner initiated couples therapy and you’re worried that means you’re doomed, you should know that’s not always the case.
Sure, sometimes it is the last stop before a breakup or divorce. Therapy can help you decide what’s best for you and enable a more amicable split, says Dr. Morley. But even if you’re coming to therapy for a gut check that splitting is the right call, the relationship might not end in separation, she adds.
Dr. Morley says that she’s worked with clients who had already filed for divorce but saw, via counseling, that they could work on stuff they thought was hopeless. So there’s that!
3. A couples therapist won’t take sides.
With the exception of an abusive relationship, a couples therapist isn’t going to pick a side or declare a winner, says Dr. Morley. Of course you’d like them to be Team You, but they might not back you up.
Instead, the role of a couples therapist is to slow you and your partner down so you can better communicate what you’re feeling and understand each other, Dr. Morley explains. Basically, they’re the ones in charge of the conversation, which allows them to step in when things escalate. They can help unpack the defensive way someone’s communicating and flag moments of missed connections, adds Dr. Morley. They’re setting an example of how to have a more effective conversation—not judging who sucks and who doesn’t.
To be fair, one partner can behave worse than the other, says Dr. Morley. And while that could indicate they have more work to do on themselves, it doesn't mean you’re free to keep doing what you’re doing, she adds.
4. Infidelity isn’t always the end.
While you don’t have to stay together, couples can and do move past infidelity, Dr. Morley and Dr. Bach agree. In couples therapy, the person who cheated has a safe space to take full accountability for their actions and listen to their partner’s feelings of betrayal, anger, and sadness, says Dr. Bach. During that process, the couples counselor hits pause if they start getting defensive to keep the conversation on track, she adds.
Working with a pro can also help those who’ve been cheated on rebuild trust over time if they’re open to hearing their partner’s perspective. And while it’s not always someone’s fault when their partner cheats, infidelity of any kind (emotional cheating or physical cheating) can happen when the person who stepped out feels alone or mistreated in their relationship, says Dr. Morley. In that case, knowing why people cheated can help both partners understand each other’s pain and spot things they can work on. “Once couples go through the process of understanding why [cheating] happened, what it meant to them, and how to move forward, some can look back on infidelity as a catalyst to growing closer and stronger as a couple,” Dr. Morley explains.
5. If you aren’t open to couples therapy, don’t bother.
This might seem obvious, but couples therapy is a waste of time and money if you aren’t willing to show up to do the work. You don’t have to be ecstatic about it, but folks who are basically dragged in by their partners often don’t come back after a few sessions, says Dr. Bach. Unfortunately, there’s no progress when only one person wants to do the legwork.
Same goes if you aren’t honest about how you treat each other outside of sessions. “If people aren't presenting the actual dynamic that's going on behind closed doors, then I'm helping them work on a relationship that is not theirs,” says Dr. Bach. “You can't work with something that's not out in the open.”
6. Being a better listener fixes a lot.
A big issue Dr. Bach and Dr. Morley see is people feeling unheard. A lot of the time, this disconnect occurs because people are too focused on what they want to say. When that happens, it’s impossible to absorb what their partner’s saying, says Dr. Bach. This can make conversations pretty pointless and keep you stuck in the same argument.
To see yourself out of this mess, you have to sharpen your active listening skills. See if you can hear what your partner is saying and summarize it back to them, suggests Dr. Bach. You can even write down their words while they’re talking to be sure you’re getting it right, she says.
After that, take a break from the conversation to think about (or write down) all of the reasons why they might be feeling that way, even if you don’t agree with it, says Dr. Morley. Then, come back together and present what you learned as validation. This can make the convo more productive because gaining compassion for each other helps everyone cool off, she says.
7. De-escalating a fight is easier than you think.
In Dr. Morley’s experience, fights come up when people feel misunderstood. “We seek relationships with people who get us, who understand our perspectives, who laugh at our jokes, and who empathize with our pain,” she says. It’s lonely when your partner doesn’t put themself in your shoes. So when we think our partners don’t hear us, it threatens our sense of security in the relationship, she explains.
Of course, we don’t have to agree with how our partners act or what they say all the time, but validating their feelings can help calm things down. It sounds simple enough, but sometimes we forget how to do it since we’re so amped up by our own perspectives, says Dr. Morley.
For example, say your partner, who made you both dinner, is mad because you got home really late from work. Instead of immediately explaining how stressed you are about your job, imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Say something like, “It makes sense you’re upset right now. You wanted to do something nice for us, and I didn’t communicate with you why I was late. I get how annoyed you are. I’m sorry.”
Don’t be like, “I’m so sorry, but I had a worse night.” If you want to tell your partner how much work sucked, that’s fine, though don’t start with it. Adding your own perspective when you’re supposed to be validating their feelings negates the part where you say you understand where they’re coming from, says Dr. Morley. You just sound defensive. You’re making the moment about you.
8. It’s OK to censor yourself.
Lots of people think communicating well means voicing every issue they have with their partner, but it’s not. “There are too many feelings. There are too many problems. You just won't talk about anything else,” says Dr. Morley. Instead, you have to decide which things are important and which you can let go.
The stuff that’s worth bringing up are things you know you’ll resent or issues that have become a pattern, Dr. Morley says. Voicing these problems gives your partner a chance to change or, at the very least, understand why you’re upset, she explains.
9. Gaslighting is different from lying.
In the same way people use the word “narcissist” to describe their shitty exes, people often say their partners gaslight them, according to Dr. Morley. In her experience, this happens a lot when clients describe their partners lying—but that’s not the same thing.
No, lying isn’t great either, but when someone gaslights you, they’re adding another level of betrayal. They’re trying to make you doubt your own experience or reality in order to mess with your head, says Dr. Morley.
For example, maybe your partner denied using your joint bank account for sports betting. That’s a lie. Though if they also say something like, “How could you think to accuse me of that? You probably spent that money,” that’s gaslighting.
This may sound like semantics, but it’s a pretty significant difference, Dr. Morley says. Gaslighting is an abuse tactic, and falsely accusing someone of this can really hurt your relationship, she notes. It can make it harder for your therapist to assess the problem too, says Dr. Morley.
10. Conflict is inevitable.
If you’re hoping you two will never fight again after therapy, these mental health pros want you to know that’s unrealistic. People are always going to argue. All relationships go through good times and bad times, says Dr. Morley. “The goal [of therapy] is to extend the good times by making fights less catastrophic and reconnecting quicker and more effectively,” she explains. “Over time, fights will be less frequent and less destabilizing, but they’ll still happen.”
Obviously, you don’t want to be arguing every day about the same issues, but bickering is not a major red flag in your relationship if you’re willing to grow and communicate better. People aren't perfect, and you’re going to annoy each other sometimes, says Dr. Morley.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
