Does the thought of telling a friend they hurt your feelings make your skin crawl? Would you sooner swim with sharks than confront your partner when you're mad at them—even if they’re the one who effed up? Honestly, you’re not the only one. It can feel a lot easier to go through life avoiding confrontation (at least in the short term). But if it’s become your default mode, you’re not really doing yourself or anyone else a favor.
Though it might sound intimidating, dramatic, or even aggressive, confrontation just means voicing your feelings, and it’s actually a normal, healthy part of human interaction, says Gail Saltz, MD, associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill Cornell School of medicine and host of the How Can I Help? podcast. The ability to assert yourself, disagree, and express differing opinions enables you to be authentic and present in a relationship, Dr. Saltz says.
And, unfortunately, avoiding conflict is pretty much impossible in long-term professional, platonic, or romantic relationships, says licensed therapist Erica Turner, LMFT, founder of Rosewater Therapy. And, despite what you may think, a completely confrontation-free relationship isn’t the goal. Disagreements, feeling hurt, or being impacted emotionally by someone are part of any significant dynamic.
That’s why learning how to do confrontation well is so important. Because if you just pretend everything is fine or get passive aggressive when someone does you dirty, it can fester. With this thing living between the two of you, “you might start acting a little different, then they act a little different, and the relationship dynamic shifts,” Turner says. Awkward!
Even if you think you’re doing a good thing by “keeping the peace,” not airing your thoughts and feelings can eventually lead to resentment and may keep your relationship from growing in a healthy way. If you don’t feel comfortable having an honest conversation about what’s on your mind, it puts a wall up between you and the other person, no matter how close you are, Turner adds.
In short, confrontation doesn’t have to be the worst thing ever. But if you’re still struggling to be open about your feels, we’ll explain why that could be and share a few expert-backed strategies for overcoming an allergy to confrontation. Look at you go!
Why do I hate confrontation so much?
Most people don’t enjoy conflict, but for some, anything that raises the emotional temperature feels scary, says Dr. Saltz.
This happens for a bunch of reasons. Some lack the confidence to assert their opinion without feeling rejected or criticized. Or they might worry about damaging a relationship that’s important to them, Dr. Saltz says. Maybe you lost a friend this way or had an ex who turned even minor disagreements into a blowout fight. As a result, you might not feel safe voicing your feelings.
Our early experiences and relationships with parents, siblings, or other caretakers can also shape our response to conflict, Turner says. Maybe your parents’ arguments made you feel like you needed to stay small to keep the peace, or perhaps they downplayed conflict and pretended nothing was wrong—even when it obviously was. In any case, if confrontation wasn’t modeled for you in a safe and healthy way, you can feel physically uncomfortable when conflict comes up now. You likely get the urge to shut it down or make it go away somehow, Turner adds. (And even if that's been your default for a while, it's not effective conflict management on your part.)
You might also avoid confronting certain people, especially the ones who never hear you out or take accountability. If every time you try to open up to your mom she shuts down and goes on a melodramatic rant about how she must be such a horrible mother, you probably won’t bother next time. That makes sense.
How to be better at confrontation
Ahead, expert-backed steps for overcoming an aversion to confrontation when you need to address a problem, check someone’s uncool behavior, or just speak your truth.
1. Separate confrontation from aggression.
If the idea of confronting someone freaks you out, try to shift your perspective from I’m being aggressive to I’m being assertive, Dr. Saltz says. Truth is, confrontation is about being assertive, not provoking a fight. And rethinking the false narrative you have around speaking up makes confronting someone way less scary, she adds. It can also make you feel as entitled to assert your POV or kick off important conversations as anyone else is. Hey, it’s a start!
2. Set a clear goal.
To make this confrontation count, think through your ideal outcome. Turner suggests asking yourself: What am I looking for in this conversation? What do I hope happens as a result? And what do I need?
Maybe you’re looking for acknowledgement, an apology, or reassurance. Maybe you’re hoping they’ll change their behavior and be more mindful of your feelings going forward. Maybe what you need is for them to just listen to you share your side of the issue. Whatever your goals, you can use them to lay the groundwork for a more constructive conversation and inspire you to follow through when you feel like backing down.
3. Rehearse what you want to say.
Many people hate conflict because they’re afraid of losing control, Dr. Saltz says. And you might! The other person could fly off the handle or you might accidentally go rogue and spill 10 years of pent up resentment. While you can’t control everything, practicing what you want to say can definitely diminish your anxiety and the chances that this convo goes off the rails, Turner says.
Dr. Saltz suggests creating a script with the points you want to make and the words you want to use so you can get comfortable. Then, start role playing with someone else or perform your speech in the mirror. This exercise can help you release some of the frazzled energy and anxiety around the conversation now, so you feel ready to confidently confront the other person later.
4. Lead with vulnerability.
If you’re not sure where to start your script, keep the focus on your feelings, says Dr. Saltz. You can do that by using I statements, like "I feel hurt when this thing happens.” That kind of phrasing highlights how the situation impacts you, rather than casting judgment on the person or circumstances responsible for your pain, explains Dr. Saltz.
Since you're reading this, you likely know it’s often hard to be upfront about your feelings in this way, but doing so might actually work in your favor, says Turner. “People tend to respond well to our vulnerability,” she explains.
Say you want to confront a friend about leaving you out of plans. You can be honest and open about your emotions while addressing the issue by saying, “When I heard that you all spent time together last weekend and didn’t invite me, I was feeling left out and like I might have done something wrong or that you didn’t want me around.” When you keep your emotions front and center, you're asking them to understand the feeling that their behavior created for you, Dr. Saltz says.
From there, you can say that you wanted to better understand what happened because this friendship means so much to you (yay more vulnerability!), then give them the floor to respond. “All we can do is invite the other person to participate in the conversation in a way that’s authentic and transparent and real,” Turner explains. There you have it.
5. Do it in person if you can.
While it might be tempting and perhaps less intimidating to copy and paste your confrontation script from your Notes app to a text message, texting isn’t a great method for expressing complicated feelings, Dr. Saltz says. With texting, “you lose so much. All you have are your words,” adds Turner.
Having a conversation that’s live and interactive (read: not a stream of consciousness voice memo) enables you to see the other person’s body language and facial expressions and vice versa, Turner says. That can give you a lot more information about how the other person receives whatever you’re telling them and their response. Also, sharing your feelings out loud and in person can teach you that confrontation really isn’t as terrifying as it seems. Over time, you might not even sweat it so much.
While IRL is the best case scenario, if it’s not possible, opt for FaceTime, Zoom, or just a phone call.
6. Stick to the core issue.
Fun fact, when you confront someone, it can be hard for them to hear you out (even if you’re being the most vulnerable person ever), says Turner. That’s why it’s important to get to the point right away.
Whether it’s a one-time incident or a pattern of behavior, be clear, specific, and try not to get off track rattling off multiple issues. If you do get sidetracked, Turner says they’re more likely to hear some variation of, “You can’t do anything right,” or “I hate you.” Assuming that’s not what you mean, this interpretation is not helpful at all.
7. Remember: It’s a conversation, not a monologue.
Again, one of the goals of confronting someone you care about should be to try to understand their thinking and to get clarity on the situation, which requires hearing them out too, Dr. Saltz says. Even if you don’t necessarily like what they have to say, being good at confrontation means actually listening and empathizing with the other person, Dr. Saltz explains.
Keep in mind, even if you’ve been thinking about what you want to say for hours, days, weeks, months or, hey, maybe even years, the other person may have no clue you’ve been feeling this way, Turner says. So give them a chance to meet you where you are and, depending on the situation, be open to having a follow-up chat to work through it so you can both have a chance to express your thoughts and feelings. It’s always worth it in the end.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
