Picture this: You hit it off with a new boo thing on a first date and can’t wait to see them again, but you barely hear from them for weeks. Until! They pop up once in a while to let you know they’re thinking of you or ask to chill, but then they disappear again—long enough to make you wonder WTF is going on. Just when you think it’s over, they’re back. And the cycle continues.
Yep, that’s one form of breadcrumbing, a relationship red flag you may have encountered IRL or heard about from the whistleblowers on TikTok. This form of stringing people along with minimal, inconsistent effort isn’t always intentional, and there are a few mental and emotional reasons why someone might resort to breadcrumbing you.
Whatever the case may be, you’re not a pigeon in a park. And if someone’s breadcrumbing habit leaves you feeling insecure, unsettled, or spiraling, here’s everything you need to know about why it happens and how to cope.
What is breadcrumbing?
As you could probably guess, breadcrumbing isn’t a real diagnosis. Instead it describes the behavior of someone who shows you on-and-off attention and communication, says Michelle Mouhtis, LCSW, a licensed therapist and dating coach. A breadcrumber is basically keeping you on the line and interested in them without offering any real commitment. And this tactic usually appears early on, like after you’ve made a connection but haven’t actually defined the relationship and all your expectations and needs, says Dana McNeil, PsyD, a psychologist and relationship expert.
Breadcrumbing can look like someone sending you sporadic “thinking of you” texts (nice!) and nothing else (ugh). Basically, they’re “dropping the crumbs every once in a while to see, ‘Are you still there? Are you still an option for me? OK, good. I got everything I needed to know,’” explains Dr. McNeil. Then, the breadcrumber gets a confidence boost and confirmation you’re still willing to engage.
Other signs someone might be breadcrumbing you: Their words don’t match their bare-minimum actions, Dr. McNeil says. For example, they might tell you, “I didn’t know someone like you existed. I can’t believe how wonderful you are. I want to take you on a romantic getaway to Greece,” but they never plan anything—not even a casual date at your local gyros shop.
They might even fail to plan in advance because they’re “too busy” and try to make you settle for last-minute hangs when they’re bored or have nothing else going on, Dr. McNeil adds.
Or maybe they get super vulnerable with you, making you think, Finally! This is the next step in our relationship! But then they pull away, like they didn’t just trauma dump on you last week. They might be taking advantage of your kindness and availability, or it might be just another way to keep you interested in hopes that you’ll always be available for them, Dr. McNeil says.
Aside from being annoying as hell, breadcrumbing can seriously mess with your mental health. Living in a constant state of confusion about how your crush feels about you can be all-consuming and amp up your anxiety. Plus, your self-esteem can take a hit when you start to take their inconsistency personally. You might even start questioning what’s “wrong” with you or if you’re “good enough,” Dr. McNeil says.
Why do people breadcrumb?
Because they suck. (Kidding…sorta.) Breadcrumbing is often linked to selfish, manipulative, and maybe even emotionally abusive behavior meant to keep you as a reliable self-esteem boost, Dr. McNeil says. That trait might be present in people who have narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, Mouhtis says.
Breadcrumbing could also be a symptom of their attachment style, which isn’t totally their fault. ICYMI, the gist of attachment theory is that how you felt in your earliest relationships (secure, cared for, abandoned, or forgotten) can impact your relationships throughout your life. If someone has an avoidant attachment style, “they want to feel close to someone, but as soon as it gets too close and too intimate, they don't know how to receive it, so they pull away,” Mouhtis says. “Then, when they pull away, they regret it. So they come back, and this pattern just keeps repeating.” In these cases, a person might not even realize they’re effing with your life. (Still, not OK.)
All that said, not everyone who breadcrumbs has a mental health condition or attachment style struggle. For example, maybe they just act like this because of their relationship history, or because they learned that this “style” of communication is just how you date, Mouhtis says. They might have internalized the idea that you shouldn’t look too available or interested, which could inadvertently lead to breadcrumbing, Mouhtis adds.
What to do if someone is breadcrumbing you.
While some of us simply won’t put up with this behavior (kudos!), others might entertain breadcrumbers for a number of reasons—no shade to anyone who falls in this camp. No matter what situation you’re in, here are a few tips to help you process what’s going on and stand up for yourself.
1. Do some soul searching.
If falling prey to breadcrumbing is an ongoing pattern for you, your upbringing can help you get more insight on why you might be more susceptible to this behavior.
For example, if you notice you often feel insecure, needy, and like you always seek reassurance in relationships, those could be signs of an anxious attachment style. That type of attachment style can develop if your caregivers’ love felt inconsistent, which could make breadcrumbing feel normal for you.
If any of this hits home, speaking to a therapist can help you understand how your past impacts your present and enable you to move forward in a healthier way. They can also shed some light on whether you’re normalizing this kind of relationship because you’re open to any kind of attention. When that’s the case, a therapist can teach you how to find confidence, happiness, and peace when you’re on your own, Mouhtis says.
2. Don’t blame yourself or take it personally.
While an internal audit can help you get to the root of unhelpful relationship patterns, like serial breadcrumb accepter, ultimately it’s not your fault when someone breadcrumbs you. So stop analyzing where you went wrong or what you could have done or said to make them commit, and definitely stop thinking that you’re undateable. “It's not that they're rejecting you—they're rejecting closeness, but that's very hard to see,” Dr. McNeil says. “This is something that this person was always going to do. … It's likely who they are with everybody.”
Yep, that probably even holds true for breadcrumbers who suddenly get into an official relationship or even engaged after your situation fizzles out. Obviously it can feel personal, but their newfound commitment doesn’t mean they’ve changed. More likely, they just found someone willing to deal with the drama, Dr. McNeil says. The One for them might actually just be The One Who Overlooks Shitty Behavior.
3. Confront them.
When you’re ready to let it all out and (ideally) get some answers, you can call them out on their behavior by saying something like, “Hey, I’ve felt like communication from you has been inconsistent, and it’s making me feel a bit confused.” Then, see how they act.
Someone who is genuinely clueless or has avoidant attachment might apologize, take ownership, understand they might have hurt you, and offer an explanation and path forward, Mouhtis says. It’s possible they’ll see it as a wake-up call, but they could also just keep breadcrumbing over and over again.
If they deflect, dismiss your feelings, or put the blame back on you, that’s a major red flag, Mouhtis says. In that case, you can reiterate your feelings and say that if they don’t change, you’re out. You could just end the convo there or…never text/call back, Mouhtis says, adding that protecting your peace is the priority here. It’s not worth the fight if they are never going to understand where you’re coming from or own up to their actions.
4. Clearly state your expectations.
If you give this person another shot, you’ll want to explicitly state your expectations for this relationship, including how often you want to hear from them and what you want that communication to look like, Mouhtis says. To get more clarity on what your relationship would look like moving forward, you can start by saying something like, “Maybe this sounds awkward, but I wanted to let you know that I really enjoy talking to whoever I’m dating at least once a day, and I like to text throughout the day too. Is that something you're open to, or do you prefer to chat just when we're on dates?”
That can help you determine if you are on totally different pages or not, Mouhtis says. Plus, it gives you a barometer to see if their future actions align with their words. If you don’t like their answer or if they make you feel like your boundaries are stupid, dumping their ass is always an option. Just saying.
Heads up: If the breadcrumbing has been going on for a long time, it might not be realistic to expect this person to rise to the occasion and suddenly meet your needs on a consistent basis. (If they’re emotionally abusive, they likely don’t care what your expectations are anyway.)
5. Stop romanticizing the “potential.”
If your breadcrumber is a cute, promising medical student you envision starting a family with and vacationing with when they’re not saving lives, you could be romanticizing their potential instead of seeing them for who they really are: someone who leaves you hanging, like, all the time.
To curb any romanticizing tendencies you have, remember that people don’t always live up to their potential, and their potential doesn’t override how they make you feel on a regular basis. Trust your gut and think about how you can be the source of your own happiness, Mouhtis says.
You can also make a list of the top qualities you want in a partner, especially when it comes to their values and communication style, Dr. McNeil says. For example, are they dependable, and do they follow through on their word? You want these to be important traits about who someone is, not about what they do or have. That way, you can avoid getting caught up in their insanely good looks or amazing job if they aren’t even someone you can rely on for a birthday card.
The bottom line: When it comes down to it, crumbs just aren’t very satisfying. You deserve a whole cupcake or loaf of bread or whatever baked good metaphor is more appealing to you. True, you might have to call it off if this person is hopeless, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never be happy or find someone who is actually worthy of your time.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
