At the start of my freelance writing career, I felt like I could do anything I set my mind to. I fearlessly reached out to my favorite publications, pitching stories I wanted to write for them. I dreamed big and went for it! But then the rejections started to fill my inbox. How can you believe in yourself when those “thanks, but no thanks” feel like a punch to the gut? I seriously considered giving up.
Life setbacks, like breakups, job loss, missed opportunities, health issues—or any kind of rejection really—can trigger self-doubt. Feeling down about yourself can also happen when relatively cool, exciting things bubble up, like running a race, moving to a new place, or applying for your dream job. Basically, the reasons to feel bad about yourself and your abilities are endless.
No matter the circumstances though, there are lots of ways this mindset can show up, says therapist John Tsilimparis, MFT, a Wondermind Advisory Committee member.
One of them is measuring yourself against others and deciding that you’re less than them, says Tsilimparis. Maybe you see that your high school nemesis has a thriving real estate career, while you’re still trying to sort out what you want to do with your life. That can make it tough to believe in yourself.
Another common way we can feel insecure in the face of setbacks is focusing solely on our failures. It’s kind of like having tunnel vision. The possibility that you might not suck at whatever you’re pursuing or that you’re valuable in general may not occur to you.
While you’d probably never tell a friend that they’re a terrible person because they didn’t get a promotion, it’s very easy to say that to yourself. This double standard, where we treat ourselves more harshly than we would anyone else, is extremely common in the face of adversity, says Tsilimparis.
Despite the usual pitfalls of uncertainty, life transitions (good and bad) give us an opportunity to develop healthy coping skills we can use to believe in ourselves in the future, says Tsilimparis. Then, moving forward, we can tolerate whatever the world hands us with a little more ease, he adds. Voila!
My healthy coping tool turned out to be phoning a friend. I reached out to a writer I admired to talk about my struggles and they said, “It only takes one yes to start your freelance career, so keep going.” This helped me push through the rejections, boost my self-esteem, and learn that setbacks don’t define us—how we respond to them does.
Here, we spoke to mental health pros to find out the best ways to believe in yourself when you feel hopeless, doubtful, or just down in the dumps. Keep reading to find out how you can up your confidence now and prepare for future challenges like a damn champ.
1. Practice acceptance.
One of the hardest parts of experiencing a setback or going after a massive goal is getting bogged down by negative emotions and/or unrealistic expectations. That’s where coming to terms with whatever’s just happened (or didn’t happen) comes in handy.
Instead of dwelling on that goal you didn’t hit or the next challenge in your way, try sitting with the reality of the situation. If you didn’t get the job, spend some time with that fact. How does that truth make you feel? Can you get used to that uncomfortable emotion instead of fighting it? It’s not fun to hang out with defeat or fear of the next chapter, but doing so helps you navigate transitions and challenges with greater ease.
That’s because fighting those feelings or obsessing over how to change an unchangeable situation takes lots of mental and emotional energy. So, when you stop, you have more space to adapt and move forward in a positive way.
Plus, acknowledging your experience enables you to accept the emotional pain as a part of life. Over time, that reduces the intensity of your response to setbacks, helping you manage them more effectively, Tsilimparis says. That practice is essential for believing in yourself and building confidence, he adds.
2. Challenge self-criticism with self-compassion.
While getting to a place of acceptance sounds great, it’s not always that easy. Sometimes, sitting with your emotions sends you into a spiral of negative thought patterns—and that’s not going to get you any closer to finding peace.
So if you find yourself saying things like, "This sucks because I suck, and others don’t," or "This will suck forever,” it’s time to fight back.
While facing setbacks or a large goal can threaten your sense of identity, safety, and community, you can counteract these patterns by leaning into self-compassion, says psychotherapist Ellie Wilde, PhD.
Here’s how it works: When you notice that your brain is throwing a lot of shade, take a pause. Then, ask if this judgey comment is truly realistic and/or if this is the way you’d speak to a friend. For example, if you’re hearing, "This sucks because I suck, and others don’t,” you can respond with, “Actually, this moment is hard, and everyone experiences tough times at some point.” This practice helps shift your mindset from self-criticism to self-compassion, making it easier to navigate challenges and maintain a more balanced view of your situation.
3. Lean on your support system.
Whether it's talking to friends, family, or a therapist, external support can provide a fresh perspective and reassurance during tough times, says therapist Hallie Kritsas, LMHC. That’s especially helpful when you’re struggling to get out of your head or you’re beating yourself up since, as we know, it’s easier to give compassionate feedback to other people than ourselves.
When that happens, people you trust can offer encouragement, validate your feelings, and remind you of your strengths and past successes. Over the long run, that can help you gradually begin to believe in yourself.
4. Do something fun.
It sucks to be bogged down in your own brain. And while it might feel impossible to enjoy yourself in the thick of The Situation, focusing on something unrelated (that you like doing) might shake you out of that “I hate myself” mindset.
By going to a movie, starting a creative side project (pottery, anyone?), or just laying in some grass can make you feel less stressed about whatever you’re going through, says Kritsas. But if you don’t have the time or energy to take the day, making time for breaks to stare off into space or watch trash TV can create some small pockets of relief, she adds.
When you’re not constantly ruminating on whatever’s stressing you out, you make room to feel good, which builds resilience, manages self-doubt, and keeps you grounded, says Kritsas. Love that for you.
5. Give yourself a hug (it’s not that weird).
Aside from rebutting those rude, critical thoughts, self-compassion can also come in the form of physical touch, says Prerna Menon, LCSW, a psychotherapist and co-founder of Boundless Therapy. “If you are able to harness the power of self-compassion, you will grow to allow yourself grace, be curious in defeat, and feel resilient,” she explains.
That’s where the self-compassion hug enters the chat. When you’re feeling crappy, wrap your arms tightly around your body and take six or seven deep breaths. “Let the air fully fill your chest before you exhale, and make sure to hold on tight!” says Menon.
While it might seem simple (or even a little cheesy), a self-hug can help calm your mind and counteract harsh self-criticism by getting you into a more supportive, positive mindset. From there, it can be easier to build confidence and handle tough times.
6. Take a beat.
When shit goes down, it can be easy to let your negative emotions dictate your next move, says Tsilimparis. But feelings like anger, despair, frustration, and discouragement aren’t the most reliable (or rational), so following their lead might not get the results you’re after.
For example, say you’re at work, and your manager gives you some constructive criticism on a project. If you’re emotionally reactive, you might perceive the feedback as a personal attack, even if it’s meant to help you improve. Instead of thinking, “This is a chance to get better at my job,” you might feel a surge of anxiety and self-doubt, leading you to believe that you’re not good enough or that you should quit. But taking a minute to assess the situation more rationally and respond in a balanced way can help you believe in yourself and work through whatever struggle comes up.
7. Seek out positivity.
Generally speaking, people are wired to be more alert to negative outcomes and risks as a way to protect themselves against harm, says Dr. Wilde. After a setback, this negativity bias can make you overly cautious about new opportunities, they add. That’s kind of a problem if you’re going after a big goal.
But by training your mind to notice positive cues—like small achievements, good feedback, or glimmers—you can significantly up your confidence and overcome negativity that follows rejection or failure. These positive signals reset your focus so you can start believing in yourself.
Start by keeping an eye out for positive experiences, even if they’re unrelated to whatever you’re trying to accomplish. Maybe the barista spells your name right. It’s a win! Perhaps your long-distance friend texts to check in on you. People love you! Maybe your boss compliments your latest project. You’re smart and capable!
8. Set SMART goals.
OK, you’ve probably heard of these, but hear us out. Breaking down big goals into smaller, manageable steps enables you to experience lots of little successes. That can build momentum, motivation, and reinforce your confidence in reaching a major achievement, says Tsilimparis.
After you set out to do something major, see if you can make it even more effective by ensuring it follows the guidelines below.
- Make it specific. Define your goal with precise steps that are easy to understand. For example, “I will build my client roster,” becomes, “I will reach out to new clients each week to increase my chances of expanding my client base.”
- Make it measurable: Ensure your goal is easily quantifiable so you can track your progress. That might look like, “I will reach out to three new clients each week to increase my chances of expanding my client base.”
- Achievable: Ask yourself, is this measurement or benchmark too high? Too low? What would make it realistic given what the rest of my life looks like?
- Relevant: Your measurable steps to achieving your goal should align with the big thing you’re trying to accomplish. So if your goal is to get a promotion, will having more clients get you there? Or is it actually not that important for the next professional step you want to take?
- Time-bound: Set an end date. What’s an appropriate deadline for you to assess your progress? If you’re not happy with your outcome, what can you do to move forward at that time?
9. Remember: This too shall pass
Even if it feels unchangeable, tough times are temporary setbacks, they’re not indicative of the rest of your life, says Tsilimparis.
Sounds nice, but if you’re struggling to see beyond your current situation, journaling on past situations and how you overcame them can help you see that this won’t be forever either. Think about how you felt back then, how you dealt with it, and how long it took to start feeling better. This practice helps you reflect on past successes and reinforce your resilience.
If you’re in a spot where journaling just isn’t an option (or you don’t like it), you can also come up with a phrase that reminds you this is just temporary, says Tsilimaparis. Maybe it’s, This is a tough time right now. Or, I’m in survival mode, and that’s OK for now. You can repeat that anytime you’re feeling overwhelmed or knee-deep in self-doubt. You got this!
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
