02.29.24
How to Not Be the Worst to Your Single Friends
If one more person asks why we're single...
Whether you’re in a relationship or single, it’s safe to say there’s a stark divide between the two groups. One side seems to get all the celebrations and gifts (anniversaries! engagement parties! weddings! endless registries!) and the other gets, uh, the single tax with a side of, “So when are you going to settle down?”
Even if you pride your (coupled) self on being aware of the impact of our relationship-obsessed society, it’s common to fumble convos with your single pals by bringing up “geriatric pregnancies” and couple’s trips. It can feel like you’re basically speaking different languages or you just forgot what it felt like to be outside. That can even happen if you’re trying your hardest to be understanding! and! supportive!
If lightbulbs are going off for you right now, rest assured you’re not doomed to be hated by your single friends. If you want them to keep calling you, invest in this educational moment on how to be a little more compassionate to your non-partnered friends. And single people, prepare to feel seen (and not-so-subtly drop this in the group chat).
1. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship.
"While questions like, ‘Why are you still single? You've got so much going for you!’ may sound like compliments, they are loaded with guilt and shame. They can cause someone to feel simultaneously marketable yet defective. That's confusing. Also, many single people choose not to marry or commit to long-term relationships for their own reasons. To assume that everyone wants to be paired up is naive.” —licensed professional counselor Jaymina Patel, LPC
2. We don’t need reminders about how much time we have.
“Saying ‘time is going to pass you by’ can add unnecessary pressure onto single people, especially when that phrase comes from someone who has children and a partner. The pressure can even push single people into toxic relationships or into making the wrong decisions because they’re worried about time.” —licensed clinical social worker Aura De Los Santos, LCSW-R
3. Stop assuming we’re insecure.
“In my opinion, probably the worst thing to hear from other people when you’re single is that you need to ‘love yourself first before you love someone else.’ I’m single. I don’t hate myself. It also implies that most people who are single have never considered their self-worth.” —Grecia A., 21
4. Don’t pretend to hate your relationship just to make us feel better.
“I don’t think people who are boo’d up understand how dismissive it can be when, after I talk about wanting to be in a relationship, they act like being with their partner (who I know they love) is somehow not great. It’s almost like, well, why are you in a relationship then? There must be some benefit to it, and pretending like there isn’t doesn’t actually make me feel better as a single person, nor does it erase my feelings.” —Alicia W., 30*
5. JSYK: The way you met your partner is not my story.
“People love to tell singles exactly how they found their significant other—as if it's the solution. While this almost always comes from a place of love, you need to be considerate of whether or not the other person has tried that avenue before. For example, we hear a lot of people saying things like, ‘I found my person through online dating. That's what you should do!’ Instead, the approach should be, ‘Have you tried online dating yet?’ By asking instead of declaring, you can be more sensitive to the other person.” —Matthew J. Seymour
6. Don’t assume romantic love is the goal.
“When it comes to finding love, I wish people would stop trying to push their values onto me. I grew up in a South Asian Muslim family that looked at marriage as a bestower of value, and I'm tired of feeling like I should hold myself to other people’s standards. In the last few years, I've been attempting to redefine what finding love means to me. I’m focused less on checking boxes and more on what intuitively feels good. Whether I choose to find love in my community, through my family and friendships, or even a relationship is up to me.” —Shaiful A., 25
7. Chill with the “you need to get out more.”
“People sometimes assume singles are holed up in their apartments marathoning Bridgerton alone every night. Not that there’s anything wrong with doing that. In reality, many of my single clients from the past had vibrant social lives but just hadn’t met that special romantic connection yet. There's nothing wrong with being selective and wanting to build a relationship naturally over time.” —mental health writer and former psychotherapist Emily Mendez, MS, EdS
8. Don’t assume I’m being unnecessarily picky.
“I’m tired of hearing that I have to lower my expectations. Dating apps, which seem to be the most popular way to meet people these days, have made it easier, but it’s also turned dating into a game. On the apps, people can be disrespectful and expect something from you without even putting in the effort to plan a date. If they don’t get instant gratification, they unmatch you. I have standards set to avoid potential partners like these, but my friends in relationships tell me that sometimes I just have to ‘settle.’ Which, I will not.” —Mariel F., 28
9. Stop acting like dating apps will solve our problems.
“While online dating can be a valid option for some people, it's not for everyone. Encouraging a single person to try online dating can make them feel like they're not doing enough to find a partner. When in reality, they may prefer meeting people in other ways.” —psychiatrist Clifford Feldman, MD
10. All conversations don’t need to revolve around dating.
“One of the things that makes me feel the worst is when my friends who are in relationships don’t talk about anything else besides the person they’re dating. I’ve been in tons of situations where I’m the only single person and everyone will go around asking each other about their partners and don’t make any room to talk about me or my life. It makes me feel excluded and like I don’t have anything important to say if it’s not about a romantic relationship. I wish more people would make an effort.” —May L., 32*
11. Don’t shut down the dialogue.
“When single people confide in their friends and family about wanting to be in a relationship or feeling lonely, they're sometimes met with statements like, 'Just wait. You'll find someone soon.' While you might have good intentions, those statements can feel dismissive to single people's feelings, imply that being in a relationship is the ultimate goal, and shut down conversations about finding fulfillment. Instead, ask them to share more about their thoughts on being single or their current goals and ambitions. This approach allows for open dialogue without imposing assumptions or expectations.” —Steve Carleton, LCSW, CAS
12. Know that, sometimes, we’re not ready for a new relationship.
“When people tell me to just ‘move on’ or ‘don’t be sad’ or act like my hurt feelings aren’t valid after a breakup, it’s really frustrating. I don’t want to dismiss my emotions. I don’t want to mask it and pretend like I’m OK and ready to find someone new. I’m allowed to feel sad about someone I once cared about and take the time I need before putting myself out there again.” —Hayley L., 31
Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.
*Name has been changed.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
