07.24.24
Here’s Why You Keep Having Drama With Your Friends
Don’t be mad…but it might be you.
Maybe you’ve noticed certain friends (or maybe you?) always have beef with others in the group chat, fantasy football league, or Slack channel. If that has you wondering, Am I the drama? consider this your unofficial support group/intervention.
Here’s the thing: For the most part, friendship conflict is normal, says Minaa B., LMSW, author of Owning Our Struggles. Generally speaking, if you have a good friend, at some point, you and that friend will have some sort of conflict or misunderstanding, she explains. It happens!
Maybe it’s not flipping-tables level—or maybe it is, IDK your life—but if that conflict involves gossip, ignoring or minimizing an issue, constant arguments, or unspoken expectations, it’s become a dysfunctional-level of drama, says Minaa B.
Same goes if the conflicts never go away, mess with how you function, or make you feel annoyed with your friend or the group as a whole (whether you’re the perpetrator or not), says Jaime Zuckerman, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist.
So, if you’re ready to take a good hard look at those relationships—including your part in them—here are some possible reasons why your friend drama is on repeat and what to do next.
One of you is growing.
Personal evolution has a funny way of throwing a wrench into your relationships. Positive changes, like setting boundaries, prioritizing self-compassion, or even drinking less, can feel like a personal attack to friends who can’t relate.
Maybe you’re trying to avoid social burnout, so you cancel plans and spend your morning hurkle durkle-ing instead of recovering from a hangxiety. Whatever the case, these shifts in your values can trigger complicated feelings in friends who may have expectations or see you in a certain way, says Dr. Zuckerman. While their response can vary a lot, the consequences are ultimately the same: drama.
That might look like a nine-minute voice note about how you’ve changed, one of those “K,” texts, or gossiping behind your back. Not fun.
If you’re the one evolving, you might be judgey too. In your new era, you might have a harder time accepting your friends as they are, says Minaa B. Expressing those feelings, consciously or not, pretty much guarantees some sort of divide.
For what it’s worth, personal growth sometimes means walking away from certain relationships—and that’s OK. But, if you want to maintain those bonds, you need to “honor people for who they are and assess their strengths instead of focusing on their weaknesses,” Minaa B. says.
They’ve gotten too comfortable.
Most of the time, people don’t fully let their guard down until they feel safe in a friendship. Usually that’s once they’re already in deep, says Dr. Zuckerman. So it’s not uncommon for some to keep not-so-great behaviors or habits under wraps till it seems like the coast is clear.
By the time you’ve clocked hours on each others’ couches, their passive-aggressive behavior, trauma dumping, neediness, or jealousy might start slipping out. At that point, those unhinged actions can feel like they’re coming out of nowhere and spark many an argument (or just an active group chat they’re not invited to join).
Those new behaviors could also progress into abusive ones, adds Dr. Zuckerman. If you notice they’re extremely passive aggressive, making demands without reciprocating effort, giving you the silent treatment, or isolating you from others, those are red flags, says Dr. Zuckerman. This stuff is never normal or healthy. So, if you can, reach out to people you trust for help ending this friendship.
When their antics are more annoying than abusive, ask your friend if the two of you can be more open about what you need. How they respond will let you know whether your relationship is headed for less dramatic days or not, says licensed psychologist Kyler Shumway, PsyD, the chief clinical officer of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy.
If they’re up for candid communication, you might use I statements to let them know how their actions make you feel. You can try, “When you leave passive-aggressive sticky notes on the fridge, I feel confused about whether you’re upset with me or not.” Or, “When you don’t ask me about my life during our conversations, I feel like you’re not interested in how I’m feeling.” See how it goes!
You’ve accepted their mess.
Sometimes their freak is on display from the start—and, for one reason or another, you choose to ignore it or put up with it, suggests Minaa B. Sometimes that happens because you’re willing to let a few unsavory aspects of a prospective friend slide.
Other times, those messy, problematic behaviors feel soothingly familiar, so you accept them as normal and fine, Dr. Zuckerman explains. “As human beings, we crave order, structure, and familiarity—even if it’s unhealthy,” she adds. “Being able to predict what comes next gives us a sense of control.”
Again, if you notice any signs of abuse (like the ones listed above), it’s time to get some help and see yourself out. If that’s not the case but you still want to change up the dynamic, ask them if they’re willing to chat about your feelings and what you need for this friendship to continue going forward. Use those I statements!
Your attachment style is showing.
ICYMI, attachment styles are based on a psychological theory that suggests the way you felt in your earliest relationships with your caregivers impacts relationships throughout your life—including your friendships.
The idea is that when caregivers quickly respond to a child’s needs, it teaches them that people can be trusted, the world is safe, and they’re deserving of unconditional love. Then, that baby grows up to be a securely attached adult, according to the American Psychological Association.
But if those weren’t the lessons you took away from childhood, for whatever reason, you might develop an insecure attachment style, like avoidant attachment or anxious attachment. These can make it harder for you to maintain healthy friendships.
With an avoidant attachment style, you might respond to disagreements by withdrawing, ghosting, or actively distracting yourself from the problem, says Dr. Shumway. Those avoidant behaviors aren’t really productive—and can even make things worse.
Same goes for those with an anxious attachment style, adds Dr. Shumway. With this one, you might find yourself asking, “Are you mad at me?” way too often, reflexively people-pleasing, and gossiping about others to build closeness, he explains. Those habits can easily cause drama with your friends.
Sometimes our patterns are so perfectly mismatched that all hell breaks loose, says Dr. Zuckerman. Say you’re anxiously attached and have an avoidantly attached friend. Even though it’s no one’s fault, you might feel unappreciated or unwanted while they feel smothered or overwhelmed, Dr. Zuckerman explains. Whether it all bubbles up to the surface or not, you’ve got some drama on your hands.
To troubleshoot, you’ll need to lean into some uncomfortable honesty, Dr. Shumway says. “Our culture discourages people from being open and honest with one another to protect feelings and or avoid conflict,” he says. “But if you want healthy relationships in which people can express feedback from a place of positive intent, you need to be transparent.” This will help you better manage conflict.
So invite them to share their feelings about your relationship and gently express yours. Again, those I statements will come in handy here.
Maybe…you’re the problem.
There is a chance that you’re just drawn to dramatic people, it’s true. But there’s also a chance you’re the source of drama, adds Dr. Shumway. So take a (compassionate!) look in the mirror. If there’s chaos in all of your friend groups or you have trouble sustaining friendships in general, it’s time to reflect on the part you play, says Minaa B.
While journaling can help you get some clarity, working with a mental health pro will enable you to dig deeper into the source of your friendship drama. They can also help you navigate those hard convos with friends as issues come up or end friendships that aren’t a good fit anymore (or never were).
“As we go through life, it’s normal and expected to gain and lose friendships,” Dr. Zuckerman says. But, by examining how you show up in platonic relationships, you can keep more healthy, long-lasting bonds along the way.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
