10.15.24
7 Active Listening Tips That’ll Take Your Conversations to the Next Level
It’s listening—but better!
We’ve all been there: You’re sort of listening to a friend but mostly thinking about the barely related story you’re about to tell. Or maybe someone shared a perspective at dinner that’s so infuriating your brain just shuts off. Oh, and there are those times when you get a little constructive criticism, and all you can hear is, “You suck, and I hate you.” While scenarios like these are so common, they’re also not that great for our relationships. That’s where active listening comes in.
The magic trick that is active listening can help you take in more information and better understand whatever comes out of others’ mouths. That can be especially helpful when you’re with a group of friends, in an important work meeting, or catching up with family—but it’s useful all the time. Even if you very much disagree, trying to truly understand what someone is saying (as in active listening) can prevent miscommunication and foster connection. Who doesn’t love that?!
Here, we’ll explain more about what active listening is and how to do it well.
What is active listening?
While listening to someone basically means hearing their words, active listening is when you hear them and try to comprehend what they’re saying, explains licensed clinical psychologist Dianne Grande, PhD. It’s probably one of the most important communication skills and conflict management tools you can have.
While that’s the basic definition, active listening also incorporates paying attention to the other person’s body language as they speak and nonverbally signaling that you’re listening (think: nodding, eye contact, etc.), adds Dr. Grande.
When you actively listen, you’re making sure that you fully understand what the other person is saying, which (like we said earlier) is helpful in a lot of scenarios. At work, actively listening can help you avoid miscommunications. It can help you take direction from your boss and ensure you grasp the goal of a project before getting started, says Dr. Grande. Outside of your 9 to 5, active listening makes friends, family, or new acquaintances you met at a party feel safe, heard, and valued, says therapist Katie Miles, LMFT. That may encourage them to open up, leading to deeper relationships, Miles adds.
“Having healthy relationships is the biggest determinant of our mental health, and healthy relationships happen when we feel safe with each other and when we feel seen by each other,” Miles explains. “Active listening is one of the skills that facilitates that.”
How to be an active listener
It all sounds great, but how? Here, we asked mental health pros for their tips to become a better listener. After all, these people do it for a living.
1. Eliminate distractions.
This may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s difficult to concentrate on anything, especially what somebody else is saying, when you’re distracted. Since a key part of active listening is paying attention, you’ll have to address the distractions that come from your environment or inside your own head, Dr. Grande says.
You may need to move to a quieter space or put away your phone, but it’s not always that simple. If worries or anger are messing with your ability to give someone your undivided attention, you might have to break out some coping skills to self-soothe. This could look like taking deep breaths or going for a walk, says Miles. Depending on what the situation is, you can also ask the person to chat when you’re in a better headspace, Dr. Grande notes.
If you’re still distracted while somebody else is talking, Dr. Grande suggests taking notes on the important stuff you hear to stay tuned in. Obviously, it might be a bit strange to jot things down in your Notes app when you’re sitting with a sobbing friend, but you can just be honest that writing things down helps you process better, says Dr. Grande.
2. Be aware of your judgment.
When dinner with your in-laws turns to political talk, it’s easy to disengage. You might tune out their POV as you plan your rebuttal or ruminate on what you’d like to say to them. Same goes when your best friend is venting about their (objectively terrible) partner yet again or your boss has a monologue about synergy.
But, if a relationship is important to you (and you want to hear them out), start to notice when you’re feeling judgy, says Dr. Grande. From there, pause and remind yourself why hearing them out is a more productive path, she suggests. Maybe you want to give them a chance to express themselves and respond in a thoughtful way. Or perhaps you want to be a supportive friend—even if you’ve heard this story a million times.
3. Show them you’re tuned in.
Giving someone a small verbal or nonverbal signal that you’re paying attention goes a long way, says Dr. Grande. Nodding, making eye contact, turning toward them, or saying a little “mm-hmm” or “right” lets them know that you’re engaged and they’re free to keep expressing themselves.
But it also helps you, says Miles. Doing all of these things as the other person is speaking kind of tells your brain, Hey, this is what we’re focusing on right now. That can make it easier to stay locked in, she explains.
4. Tell them what you’re hearing.
Again, comprehension is what makes listening active. By paraphrasing what they say back to them, you’re able to fact-check whether you heard them correctly. That makes whoever’s speaking feel understood, notes Dr. Grande.
The goal is not to regurgitate their exact words. Instead, you’re attempting to step into their shoes and get a sense of what they’re experiencing, says Miles. That could sound like, “It seems like you’re sad about the breakup, but you’re also relieved things are over.” They’ll probably correct you if you got it wrong or missed some points, but they’ll likely feel validated no matter what.
5. Ask follow-ups.
Another way to engage in active listening is by asking questions. This shows the other person that you care about what they’re saying and you’re interested in learning more about their experience, says Miles.
It’s pretty straightforward, but you could try something like, “That sounds so hard. How are you dealing with all of that?” Or, “Honestly, that’s so impressive! How are you celebrating?”
This skill is even more important when someone is confronting you. In those cases, asking, “Can you tell me more about that?” and, “Can you share an example that will help me better understand what you mean?” can get to the bottom of their issue. With more background knowledge, you can respond accordingly.
6. Talk to a mental health pro.
Even if you tried all the steps above, certain mental health conditions or struggles, like attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, and autism, can hinder your ability to actively listen. For example, ADHD can make it harder to concentrate when someone is talking and anxiety can keep you preoccupied with your inner dialogue during a convo, notes Dr. Grande.
If that’s the case for you, seeing a mental health professional can help you get to the root of your active listening challenges and give you tools to change that. You might learn to redirect the urge to interrupt or develop strategies to stay in the moment.
7. Avoid jumping in too soon.
Yes, active listening means trying to understand what someone is saying. And, oftentimes, we want to share stories that demonstrate that we get what they’re going through. That’s great and all, but, even with good intentions, jumping in can imply you’re more focused on what you’ve been through than what they’ve said, notes Miles.
To avoid that, go ahead and do all of the things we already talked about. Then, once they seem like they’re done sharing, you can bring up relevant personal info that validates their experience, says Miles.
Here are some signs that you’re free to switch gears, according to Miles:
- They stop using their hands while talking, they turn away from you, or their body language shifts in general
- They took a pause longer than a few seconds, and they don’t seem to be catching their breath or gathering their thoughts
- You’ve asked follow-up questions and they don’t have anything left to say
From there, Miles says you can add, “You know what? This actually reminded me of something that I went through. Can I tell you about it?” Sharing your own story can help them feel further understood—and we love that for both of you.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
