If you or someone you know is experiencing any type of abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) for anonymous, confidential help available 24/7, or visit thehotline.org.
We all have a friend who’s consistently navigating drama with their partner (maybe you’re the friend). While that’s not fun for them or your group chat, it can be very hard to tell if those patterns of behavior are salvageable conflicts or signs of an abusive relationship.
Sometimes physical abuse can be more obvious (arguments or intense emotions should never result in physical restriction or anyone putting their hands on you), but emotional abuse, along with verbal, digital, and financial, might go unnoticed or feel like a gray area, suggests licensed clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD, a member of Wondermind’s Advisory Committee.
Plus, our background and the way we were raised can influence what behavior we see as normal in relationships, Dr. Howes adds. For example, if your family’s version of a conversation growing up involved shouting, you might not think much when your partner is screaming about the importance of dishwasher organization.
The other thing about abuse is that it tends to escalate slowly over time. At first, you might write off minor displays of jealousy or control as drama or passion, suggests psychotherapist Thomas Vance, PhD, also a member of Wondermind’s Advisory Committee. By the time things become more intense, guilt, shame, and fear can make it harder to get out of the relationship.
While there’s no excuse for any kind of abuse, it often happens when one partner’s desire for power and control drives them to act out, Dr. Vance explains. That might be more likely if they have a history of trauma or mental health issues or learned abusive behaviors from their caregivers, he adds.
With those basics in mind, we asked Dr. Vance and Dr. Howes for the signs of an abusive relationship, whether it’s the one you’re in now, a past experience, or you’re looking out for someone else. Here’s what to watch for and what to do next.
1. They physically hurt you.
You probably already know this is bad, but it bears repeating: “Any form of physical aggression, from pushing and shoving to more severe forms of violence is abuse,” Dr. Vance says. It’s normal to feel angry—and even to express your anger verbally (as long as it comes out as “I’m really angry about this” and not “you’re a flaming piece of trash”), but it’s not acceptable to physically inflict pain or control as a way to express anger.
2. They make you feel bad about yourself.
This is Emotional Abuse 101 right here. A healthy relationship makes you feel your best; an abusive one hacks away at your self-esteem.
The destruction of your confidence can take a few different forms, according to Dr. Howes. An emotionally abusive partner might give you the cold shoulder, talk down to you, or criticize you. If it happens often enough or you take it to heart, it counts as abuse. Saying they need some alone time to process a fight is one thing; pretending you don’t exist for days is another.
3. They get sketchy about money.
No matter how much you hate a budget or struggle with financial anxiety, it’s never cool for your partner to control your bank accounts, restrict your access to money, or punish you for spending money, the experts agree. They might play it off as, Oh, don’t worry, I’ll handle the finances, as if they’re doing you a favor, while expecting you to ask permission to buy things. Even changing your online banking passwords can turn into financial abuse.
4. Hanging out with certain people makes them mad.
Listen, sometimes your partner just doesn’t love all of your friends and fam. It happens! And it’s even pretty reasonable to not want someone to keep hanging out with their ex. But that’s a very different thing than demanding that you stop spending time with important people in your life or pressuring you to unfollow people on social media they feel threatened by, suggests Dr. Howes. Any effort to isolate you or control who you interact with is a big red flag.
Look out for any sentiments that sound like, You don’t need them, you have me, suggests Dr. Vance. In a healthy relationship, your partner won’t want to be your only go-to.
5. Disagreements consistently escalate
We’ve all gotten a little too heated in an argument at some point or another. To be human is to fuck up. That said, if conflicts always turn into screaming or aggressive insults, you’ve crossed into verbal abuse territory, Dr. Vance notes.
6. You feel pressured in bed.
Some forms of sexual abuse—like being outright forced into sexual acts—are pretty clear. But that’s not always the case. When partners withhold affection, support, or any interaction until you engage with them sexually, that’s sexual abuse too, says Dr. Vance. A loving relationship is consensual, not transactional—period.
7. They use your phone as a tool for control.
We all deserve peace and privacy on our devices. So if the person you’re seeing goes through your phone or somehow gets into your DMs, that’s a form of digital abuse, says Dr. Vance.
Digital abuse also looks like 72 missed calls when you’re out with your friends (harassment), constantly checking your location (stalking), or leaving hateful comments on your social media pages (bullying).
8. You don’t believe your own experiences.
When you speak up about things feeling off or that their behavior is not OK, it’s common to be dismissed by an abusive partner, says Dr. Howes. They may try to convince you that your perception or experience isn’t true (see these gaslighting examples). How can you be mad at them for something they swear they didn’t say?
They might also attempt to minimize bad behavior so they can keep engaging in abusive actions (or even level up the abuse), adds Dr. Howes. For example, they might have raged in your face last night but the next morning described the incident as them simply “getting annoyed,” suggests Dr. Howes.
If you suspect they’re trying to make you question your reality, look out for these phrases.
- “It wasn’t really that bad.”
- “You’re making that up.”
- “No, that’s not what happened.”
- “You’re remembering it wrong.”
9. The relationship seems stuck in a vicious cycle.
Turns out, abusive relationships typically operate in a pretty predictable pattern, Dr. Howes says. Tension builds until drama explodes in some sort of incident. Then, your partner begs for your forgiveness and promises to do better. (This part often feels genuine.) The victim wants to believe the abuser and forgives them. For a while, whether it’s days or months, everything seems fine. Inevitably, though, tension starts creeping up and the whole cycle repeats, explains Dr. Howes. It’s a nasty cycle, really.
10. They get hardcore defensive.
Because no one enjoys admitting they’re wrong, it’s normal to feel defensive when you’re called out. But when it happens in abusive relationships, an abusive partner will quickly shift the blame back to you, says Dr. Howes. “They may briefly acknowledge their bad behavior but turn it around to something you did—sometimes even linking the two,” he explains.
Sure, they screamed at you in the middle of Target, but it was only because you said that thing you know sets them off. You caused them to get upset, and they’re blameless. Of course, the truth is, only they can control their behaviors or how they express their feelings.
Though this get-out-of-accountability-quick scheme isn’t healthy, it might not always indicate abuse. So be cautious about labeling a relationship based on this factor alone.
11. They want to know where you are all the time.
Even when we’re in serious relationships with someone, we should have the freedom to move however we want without interference. If your partner wants to know where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing all the time, that’s a good indicator something is off, says Dr. Vance.
You are a fully functioning grown-up (well, at least as much as any of us are), and you’re allowed to make your own choices without the threat of harm or punishment.
12. The jealousy is out of pocket.
It feels good to be wanted, but there’s a difference between being adored and being treated like someone’s property.
When your partner is constantly suspicious that you’re interested in other people or that someone else could swoop in and intercept you at any second, that’s not healthy. And the more disproportionate their response is compared to the event they’re upset about, the more likely you’re experiencing abuse, says Dr. Vance.
Say you Like an Instagram post from a high school classmate you haven’t seen IRL in 15 years. If your partner rants about how you’re probably having a physical or emotional affair with them, that’s a red flag.
13. They scare you into doing what they want.
Threats are always a sign of abuse because they’re meant to control you. Sometimes those threats are made against you, like saying they’ll slash your tires if they find out you were with your friends last night. But they could also threaten to hurt themselves. Either way, these are a massive signal that something is very wrong.
What To Do If You Suspect Abuse
It's hard enough to break up with someone when you’ve only been on two dates and had one horrendous makeout. So it’s understandable if you feel overwhelmed about exiting an abusive relationship (or helping someone else do the same).
That’s why the first step is to reach out for help, Dr. Howes and Dr. Vance agree. That might be a licensed therapist, family member or friend you trust, or even a domestic violence hotline (The Hotline provides all sorts of resources for people trying to leave any kind of abusive relationship).
Those outside perspectives can help you better understand your dynamic and provide the support you’ll need to leave the relationship—or get legal protection, if necessary.
You might also consider joining a support group, suggests Dr. Vance. (A therapist can help with this.) Connecting with others who’ve been through similar situations can validate everything you’ve experienced—especially if you’re still questioning whether it’s all in your head.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
