12.23.24
So You Weren’t Invited—Here’s How to Not Spiral (or Crash the Party)
Your guide to FOMO. Additional reporting bySam Brodsky
If you’ve been feeling left out—which you probably (definitely) have—you know how much it hurts. And it’s not just you: Feeling included and having the sense that you belong is a basic human need. People crave connection. That’s why feeling left out can seem like such a big deal, explains licensed therapist Blake Blankenbecler, LCMHC.
Say you’re not invited to dinner with coworkers or your pals. Whether they meant to leave you out or not, this situation can stir up big feelings like anger or loneliness, notes Blankenbecler. That can lead to things like rumination and negative self-talk. Raise your hand if you’ve ever thought, Why am I the friend who gets left out?!
Here, we asked experts how to deal with not being invited when you’re in the middle of a loneliness spiral so you can see yourself out of it.
Step 1: Find some calm.
While you might feel angry or frustrated, causing a raucous might not be the best move for you or anyone else involved, Blankenbecler notes. Reacting impulsively on your feelings can lead to unnecessary conflict, especially if it’s based on your assumptions (turns out, feelings aren’t always facts).
Instead, focus your energy on calming down. That process can help you see things more rationally. Take a walk, focus on your senses (like feeling the ground beneath your feet), or name the supportive people and places that make you feel safe, suggests Blankenbecler.
Step 2: Consider why you’re actually upset.
If social media is how you found out you’re not invited, you’ll probably have FOMO. “Everyone is only portraying the best parts. It gives the impression that everyone else is happy and you’re not,” says clinical psychologist Janet Brito, PhD, founder of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health. So take a step back and think about whether you’d actually make it to that event—or if you’d honestly want to be there.
It’s possible that you’re more upset about seeing the highlight on IG where everybody looked like they were having the most fun without you. If that’s the case, try to remember that there’s always more to the story than what you get in a caption (like the two hours of traffic it took to get to the restaurant or the drama you wouldn’t have wanted to deal with anyway).
Giving yourself a quick reality check (do you really feel like putting on pants right now?) might put things into perspective and help you feel better. You can also consider if other stuff in your life is making you more sensitive to social FOMO right now, Blankenbecler suggests. Perhaps those things are making you feel extra lonely or upset.
Step 3: Call out mean voices in your head.
You probably don't know why you weren’t invited, Dr. Brito says. Be open to the idea that it might’ve been a last-minute get-together or that your friend just wants time with their old work buds. Trust: It could have legit nothing to do with you.
Yeah, it’s easy to fall into extreme all-or-nothing (or catastrophic) thinking in moments like this, so don’t feel bad about it, says Blankenbecler. Instead, when thoughts like, I’m not good enough, or, I have no friends, or, All my friends suck, are running through your mind, use this as an opportunity to get a little curious about your reaction. Dr. Brito suggests asking yourself, Where is this voice coming from? From there, question whether these negative thoughts are true. Do you have evidence you’re actually a terrible human without any friends or that every one of your friends is shitty? Probably not! “Be compassionate. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend or a younger child,” Dr. Brito explains. Remember that these thoughts and feelings will pass.
Step 4: Give these friends a quick lil eval.
Sure, you can give someone the benefit of the doubt and prove your thoughts wrong. But, could this non-invite be a red flag? Maybe! That’s especially true if you’ve had an iffy feeling about those friends as of late. “Maybe this is an opportunity for you to separate yourself from them because they’re mean to you,” Dr. Brito says. If this person only makes you feel bad when you're with them, you might want to take a closer look at those feelings post missed invite.
Step 5: Do something nice for yourself.
Turn off social media, put your phone away, try some self-love affirmations, pick up a book, get in the bath, or do whatever makes you feel safe and taken care of, Dr. Brito says. (Especially if you realize that your friend isn’t really a friend and you need TLC.) Once you’ve identified an activity that works for you, try to do it more often. Over time, it can help your mood and self-worth improve no matter what events you miss out on.
Step 6: Maybe have a convo about it (but also maybe don’t).
Whether you should bring up The Event and your absence depends on the relationship. If it’s casual, like a coworker, maybe it’s not worth confronting them about it, especially if it’s going to impact your day-to-day interactions, Dr. Brito says. If you’re tight with the person who left you out, and you feel like you can talk through it without a major fallout, you can embrace vulnerability by saying something along the lines of, “I heard you planned a group dinner. I felt bad that I wasn't invited. Did I do anything to upset you? Should we talk about this?”
If they’re straightforward with you, keep an open mind. A true relationship requires honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable at times. When you work through miscommunication or areas where you’ve hurt each other and repair that hurt, you’re actually strengthening the bond you have with each other, says Blankenbecler.
That said, if your close friend’s making excuses and avoiding your question altogether? That’s not a great look.
Step 7: Have a little self-reflection moment.
If it seems like you were intentionally left out and you feel like you’re in a mentally good space to reflect on that, consider taking some time to think about why. Heads up: This might not feel great, so it’s not a bad idea to work through this with the help of a mental health professional or a friend or family member whose opinion you value. Consider (with your journal or with that trusted someone) how you show up socially and if there might be any conflicts in this group that you’ve been ignoring. “Do you tend to take up a lot of space? Are you pretty demanding? Do you need a lot of care? If you're saying yes to all this, maybe that's why they didn’t invite you,” Dr. Brito explains. It’s possible there’s some stuff you need to work through in these adult friendships—but this does not mean you’re a bad person. The fact that you’re self-assessing in the first place is a sign that you’re someone who cares about others.
Step 8: Lean into genuine friendships.
Whether or not you want space from the friend who didn’t invite you, focusing on other bonds can help you feel better. FOMO doesn’t sting as badly when you know there are good people in your life.
If you don’t have too many close friends, that’s OK! Blankenbecler recommends surrounding yourself with as many potential connections as possible. Join a group workout class or book club. Go to networking events in your industry. Putting yourself out there can help you suss out which connections feel good and which don’t, she notes.
Step 9: Think about getting professional support.
If you find yourself stuck in this pattern of feeling left out or on the fringe of your social interactions often, you might want to consider finding a mental health professional to discuss your relationships, notes Blankenbecler. With a therapist, you can talk about the feelings you continue to experience and come up with healthy coping skills to deal, she says.
A therapist can also help you assess the authenticity of your friendships, decide if you want to foster new ones, and pinpoint if there are ways you can step up in your existing relationships—basically, most of the steps we already addressed but with extra support!
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
